Stepdaughter starts counseling sessions today with her mom - Help!
The poor thing is stressed out to no end and imagining all kinds of scenarios because she doesn't know what she is walking into.
SD has been in counseling for a year. She has decided she doesn't want a relationship with her mom. Counselor thinks (and I agree) that SD DOES want a relationship with her mom, but only if her mom will change and become a real mother. Unfortunately, I don't think this will happen. I have sat in literal amazement as SD has said things to me during private talks that are exactly the same substance as DH has said to me in private talks. And I know that DH is not the kind of guy to badmouth BM. It's SCARY how much they think alike, and how much their opinions are both expressed the same way about BM. (Don't forget.. DH has been on the road since January of this year.)
My opinion, after doing a lot of research, is that BM over here is a Narcissistic Parent. BM falls into most of the criteria to meet that diagnosis (made by me, not a counselor) and SD falls into the description of a child of a narcissistic parent. Both, almost to a "T".
Hubby called BM the other day to let her know that I would be driving SD to and from the session. Her and SD would not be riding together to and from. To which, the reply was "What? Does my own daughter have to be saved from me??"
And then she went on to blame myself and DH and SD all for the bad relationship between BM and SD. SD is too sensitive. DH and I are keeping SD from BM. The 3 of us are not "sticking together" as adults. She even went as far as to tell DH... "I'm a GOOD MOTHER". So, the problem is with all of us, not her.
When BM does get too overwhelmed with everyone saying that she - yes indeed-y (!) - could be A BIG PART of the problem, then she goes into "Victim" Mode. Like this.... "Oh Okay I get it. It's all MY fault. I'm a bad mother. I don't know anything." Like poor poor pitiful BM. But that only lasts a moment and then we hear again of how good of a mom she is and how all of these OTHER CHILDREN would love to have her as their mom (she's a dental hygenist in a practice for children). One of her great ideas recently was to have her daughter come in bed with her and read a book together!! Did I mention before that daughter is almost 16????
So tonight it begins. Counselor has told me that the relationship between SD and BM will depend on what each is capable of. SD told me that tonight is "Mom's night". Where her mom gets to tell the counselor "her" side of what is going on and SD has to basically sit there and listen. I"m not sure that BM will give her true feelings or her complaints with SD sitting there, but I am afraid if she does, SD will shut down and their relationship will deteriorate even further.
I'm trying to comfort this girl by giving her space, but letting her know I'm here. I'm letting her have a "lazy day" today and just relax and then later, after her session, we are getting some take out Chinese. I told her to ask her friends to be available after 7:00p so she can talk to them and she did that.
Anyone else have any advice? I"m kind of nervous myself.
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I think you are an awesome step-mom!
She is lucky to have you! Sounds like you are doing everything I would think of and more.
I will keep you both in my prayers.
"God grant me the serenity accept the things I cannot change; the strength to change the things I can; and the wisdom to know the difference."
Thank you Falling...
I must be nervous because your response made me tear up!! Thank you!
Hugs!
I really like the idea about
I really like the idea about making sure SD asked her friends to be available to talk after the appt. That was BRILLIANT on your part! It also makes me feel more at ease to know SD doesn't have to face her mother before the appt OR after the appt bc you will be with her...that makes the stress she is feeling come down so much I imagine.
Honestly, I would have sd read some snippets of the narc.parent/child symptoms and see if she feels any of those things...maybe putting a "name" to it all will give her some peace too? Is there any chance you'll be able to sit in for a session with the two of them someday? Who knows, maybe BM can "woman up" and speak truthfully about why she is doing the things she does...
I have a feeling this session is going to be rough for SD, but I hope you remind her that she needs to be STRONG and don't let BM run the show and say things that aren't true. Therapy only works when people are HONEST.
This part says it all for me...
"Hubby called BM the other day to let her know that I would be driving SD to and from the session. Her and SD would not be riding together to and from. To which, the reply was "What? Does my own daughter have to be saved from me??"" :jawdrop: YES, her daughter ABSOLUTELY needs to be saved from this woman!
PLEASE let us know how she does ok?? I'll be thinking about you guys!!!
The thing that impresses me most about America is the way parents obey their children. ~Edward, Duke of Windsor, Look, 5 March 1957
Thank you so much BBB!!!
You know - I was wondering about showing SD the signs of a narcissistic parent and also the signs of a child of a narcissistic parent, to see if that would make her feel better. But I am worried because I am not a counselor and don't want to make the wrong diagnosis and then feed it to SD. I really am concerned about PAS.
I also worry about BM being honest when she will be trying so hard to put on the facade of the good mother! As it is, I know she will completely deny
1. Leaving SD alone at 8,9, years old until 9 or 10 at night while she was out doing who knows what
2. Having explosive anger at the dog once a month
3. Talking to SD's friends and trying to get them on "her side"
All of these things she has been confronted with and has denied, so why should it be any different in front of a counselor?
THANK YOU BBB!!! Hugs girly! I think I'm going to take your lead and pour myself a fruity drink and go to the pool soon!
question
Some of the things you have posted about SDs words portray her to be very levelheaded and able to see the whole picture...do you think it would help her feel better about herself if she knew her mother could possibly be mentally ill? I understand it hasn't be diagnosed "professionally" yet but sometimes when you know,you JUST KNOW. Maybe just probe sd for answers like,"hey sd...have you ever felt mom does this stuff or makes you feel this way?"
Definitely have a drink and try to enjoy your day! Maybe give yourself a mani-pedi? That always makes me feel better:)
The thing that impresses me most about America is the way parents obey their children. ~Edward, Duke of Windsor, Look, 5 March 1957
I don't know... does being mentally ill
give BM the excuse? We have talked somewhat about WHY people act the way they do. For example, BM's mom is pretty nasty while also being "my family is the best". One of Nana's (Bm's mom) classic lines to her stepdaughters is "You should marry an engineer. They make a lot of money". Mind you, she said this while being introduced to one of the girl's new boyfriends. When Nana asked the boy what he wanted to do, she would NOT shut up until the boy just agreed he'd try to become an engineer.
So the apple doesn't fall far from the tree here either.
When we talk about that, it is followed by the discussion that OK... some people have worse childhoods than others. But eventually you grow up and take responsibility for your actions and choices.
And then SD has no sympathy. BM was driving SD down a road one day close to their house. SD was little - again maybe between 7-9 years old. BM points to a huge house that literally has a basketball court, pool and go-kart track. Huge mansion. BM drives by and frequently tells little girl - "Oh see that!! You should MAKE FRIENDS with those kids because they are rich and then you could go play at their house!!" And even at that young age, SD knew this was messed up thing to tell your kids. Of course, BM now says, she was "just joking".
Maybe I'll take SD for a mani-pedi today!!
Thanks again BBB!
not an excuse
but it takes the burden off sd because I guarantee she's thinking,"what did I do to have a mom like this? why is she treating me this way...what's wrong with me" But no, not an excuse for bm bc she isn't getting help to improve herself so the fault lies solely on BMs shoulders and not at all on SD.
The thing that impresses me most about America is the way parents obey their children. ~Edward, Duke of Windsor, Look, 5 March 1957
That's true BBB
You are right. It helps take some of the pressure off of her.
Thank you again - for being such a great friend!!
I'm signing off... taking SD to pet puppies !!
Love you! Hugs!
aww honey
i'm happy to help...luv you too babe:) have fun w/puppies, if that doesn't brighten the world nothing will! I love puppies!
The thing that impresses me most about America is the way parents obey their children. ~Edward, Duke of Windsor, Look, 5 March 1957
Can You believe this???
UGHHHHH Counselor had her secretary call me to tell me that session has to be postponed. Counselor is sick!! So I asked, did anyone call BM? And the secretary was confused... She was like - Oh! Don't you bring her? So I said, yes, I bring SD, but this was a session with her mom, so I'll get a hold of her and let her know.
Wouldn't you know.... BM was only concerned with the fact that they called ME. And kept saying, Oh, the doctor must have left a message on my home phone to let me know because she called me to set this up... Like seriously? This is a competition of who gets called to cancel the appointment???
At least she didn't ask to see SD tonight, which is what I was afraid of.
Poor SD... she just went to lay down in her bedroom.
I know it's not good to wish bad things on people
but I think your SD would be lucky if her mother just evaporated into steam and was never heard from again. It would hurt SD at first, but I think she'd get over it real quick especially with you in her corner:)
Why would it have to be postponed? that's kind of unprofessional of the counselor...
The thing that impresses me most about America is the way parents obey their children. ~Edward, Duke of Windsor, Look, 5 March 1957
Counselor is sick
And she has been wonderful with SD. In the whole year + that SD has been seeing her, she hasn't cancelled one other time!!! UGH!!! Can you believe it? It's funny in a sad , sick way.
SD has confided to me and her dad that she has had "dreams" of how her life would be if her mom had died. And she doesn't feel bad in them. I know she doesn't mean what she says. I know she really is hurting at the loss of her mother. I think that's one of the saddest parts... It's almost like she is going through the death acceptance process on the relationship and it's very sad to watch.
THANK YOU again for your support. I'm sorry I'm so "talky" today!!!
talk away honey...
that's the surefire way to get something done in life:) I can't say I'm shocked about sds dreams of her mothers demise. It really makes sense. I think you're right when saying she's going through the death acceptance process on the relationship. But the good new for her is she still has positive womanly influence in her life(that's you dear)...her mother is just an ignorant little fly that can be swatted away over and over. At the risk of being too optimistic I'm gonna throw it out here that my opinion is SD will persevere and grow to be a lovely woman no thanks to bm. She just has to get herself around bms antics and rise above it all. I think with you and her father to help her along, she's gonna do great eventually.
The thing that impresses me most about America is the way parents obey their children. ~Edward, Duke of Windsor, Look, 5 March 1957
DH think thats
Counselor cancelled because she was dreading spending 50 minutes with BM and that made her sick!
Well, I needed that today!!
Thanks again BBB and Falling!
Stick
You are being awesome with your SD. You must be a fantastic stepmom, and I'm sure she knows it.
It sucks about the session being postponed -- when it's rescheduled, just do the same thing for your SD. Maybe you could also tell her that just because the counselor is going to let BM talk and SD and the counselor are to be listening, that doesn't mean that the counselor is going to "buy" everything SD's mom says. The counselor is listening for lots of things, including things that don't sound quite right or that the counselor will suggest BM works on to get better. So suggest to SD that while she's listening to her mom, just try to stay calm, listen, and remember that the counselor is listening for clues about things that her mom might not be thinking clearly about.
BB
- You are not second best, you are not second class. Do not ever let anyone make you feel that way. (2Bloved)
Belle
Good morning!! Great advice and wording on how to get SD to calm down in the session. I have been instructing her just to listen so she can understand what her mom feels, but I like the way you put it. I think it will make more sense to her.
Thanks for being there, for responding and for the kind sentiments. I really appreciate it!