Met with SD's counselor today
SD will be starting counseling sessions soon with her BM. SD has said she doesn't want any relationship with her mom, but counselor thinks she wants something, just is not sure what. I met with the counselor to see where this is going and what to do. What are we looking at?
It's an unknown. The relationship depends on what SD is capable of (as far as forgiveness and maturity), as well as what BM is capable of (as far as admitting she did some wrong, and actually growing up finally).
Counselor did let me know that in her opinion, BM is emotionally immature. She said that BM is on par with the age of SD, probably even younger. So emotionally BM is at the level of a 12 year old!! And this is coming from a counselor!
Great!
Well, at least DH and I know that it's not just us. BM is really as immature and as tough to get along with as we have always felt. BM's family is dysfunctional and also not helping the situation. The counselor confirmed it for us. I actually do feel somewhat better hearing that validation.
Now, it's just a matter of trying to figure out a relationship between BM and SD. There's talk of things getting worse before they get better.
I have always felt lucky SD's anger has not been directed at me or DH. It seems as though that could change. Counselor told me that SD could start misplacing her anger toward me - for forcing her to continue her relationship with BM. Or toward DH - for not being here right now. Or, just general anger with no place to go and guilt about it.
BM is starting to blame DH and I for her poor relationship with her own daughter. Of course, she'll blame her daughter (she's difficult), her ex-husband (SD is too much like him) , and me for keeping her away.
SD has been talking a lot lately about her mom. Almost every day something comes up. She is telling me she wants no relationship with BM. I'll see how she is tomorrow. She gets home from camp and is supposed to spend tomorrow night at BM's house. I'll see if anything happened at camp that changed her mind - it is a Bible based camp.
I just want this to get going. I want these two to hash it out. So that one way or another we can all move forward.
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DPW
SD has a very bad relationship with her mom. It goes beyond the normal teenage daughter / mother thing.
SD has a lot of anger toward her mom for things in their past.... From never ever picking her up on time... to openly showing disapproval of both SD / DH... to dropping her off at a relative every weekend she had her.
BM and BM's family had kept telling SD how DH "left" BM, how much BM was struggling and how much money DH made. They were painting DH in a very unflattering and it got worse a couple of years ago. Finally, DH and I did straighten out those misperceptions, in the fear that if we didn't, eventually SD would believe all the lies. It pretty much came to a head right around the wedding and shortly thereafter.
SD has been in counseling for a year, and finally came out the other day and said that she "can't trust her mom to take her of her physically. She can't trust her mom to take care of her emotionally". SD has also come out and said that she although she knows her mom "loves" her, she doesn't feel that her mom "likes her as a person". SD feels that if her mom had another little girl and SD wasn't her daughter... her mom wouldn't want her daughter playing with her (SD) because she doesn't like the kid that she is. It's very sad.
I met with the counselor today because ever since that came out, SD has been talking a lot about her mom and has come to the decision that she "doesn't" want a relationship. I wanted to be sure that SD was not manipulating me, or DH, by saying these things to us. (Ie. not making her go to her mom's or just giving her a little space, whatever.) I also am trying to stay neutral and keep telling SD that when she grows up, she may change her mind.
Counselor thinks that SD is talking to me like this because she's trying to work something out. We just aren't sure exactly what. And unfortunately, SD cannot talk to her best girlfriends that are her own age because when all the sh*t started to hit the fan, BM started talking to them. So BM was crying to SD's friends and then SD's friends would make SD feel guilty and say how "great" her mom is. Little did they know. BM even had the girlfriends turned against DH and I, which we also had to battle.
So, now, there we are. The woman is a complete jerk, but she is still SD's mom. And I really do believe that when SD gets older, she is going to want to be able to call her mom and talk to her - at least once in a while.
Thanks for asking!! Do you know anyone like that?
Thank you DPW!
So many things that you have written here are things that SD has said to me, or discussed with me. (Her feelings on the whole "But it's your mom!" comments, and the guilt and the disappointment.) Poor SD... she has even recently asked me... "Is it possible for me to be a good mother someday, if I don't even like my own mom?". My heart just breaks for her because she's only 15 and to be thinking about that!!
Thank you for letting me know that she CAN be okay as a woman if she decides to go forward like this as a teen. I do worry that she will regret her decision. But as you say, I don't know exactly what she is going through either so I need to respect what she decides. DH and I too, struggle with our feelings on supporting SD's decision. We are trying not to let our own feelings of BM (we don't like her) influence SD, or overcompensate and try to push it on her, you know?? We want SD to be able "keep sane" and her relationship with her mom is not helping with her depression at all. If I could have it my way, I would actually give SD a break for about a month or so from her mom, and then let them start counseling, but counselor wants to start before school. Counselor is also not supporting a clean "break" at this point in time.
So, I understand what you are saying (as much as I can), and am going to try to stay supportive and somewhat neutral as much as possible. I want to let her know I hear her, but I'm afraid if DH and I back her too much, we will be "PAS" ing... and if not enough, she will feel worse than she does already. When you were younger, did you have anyone support you? Did you have to go through all of that by yourself? Did support "encourage" you, or not really matter to how you felt?
Thanks again - I really appreciate your taking the time to respond and for sharing your story. Hearing that from you - someone who's actually been there and is now a great woman - helps a lot!
Thank you again DPW
I wish there were a way I could express it better... so just , thank you!