UNFORTUNATELY for just about everyone that knows me!!! Quick update:

BM has had 2 sessions with SD and therapist. SD comes out of these sessions, basically frustrated. The first one was all fighting. The 2nd one - no fighting (yay!) but SD walks out and says that BM doesn't really "get it". At the end of the 2nd session, after BM left, I was brought in to the counselor's office. I told the counselor that SD has a problem she needs to discuss alone with counselor, and that is... How can SD "forgive" her mom and move on, so she can get past this.. WITHOUT giving her mom the "okay" signal. BM won't change her behavior. The counselor agreed it is a good subject for SD because SD needs to learn to accept her mom for who she is, knowing that she probably won't change. In other words, BM is lost in her own world. SD needs to fit her mom into her life.... not let her mom fit SD into mom's life (which is what was happening).

Soooooo... OKAY! Ugh..

BM calls me last night about some scheduling this weekend. Fine, good, whatever. I then say to BM.. Hey let's talk about SD's 16th birthday party and what is going on. SD wants a party with EVERYONE involved. She's tired of 3 parties per event (mom side, dad side, friends) and really would like just 1 party. Her thinking is, what's going to happen at my high school graduation, college graduation, etc. So SD is kind of pushing for this.

Here's some snippets from a 2 hour conversation, where at some points, I did lose my temper, and I did say some mean things that I really feel bad about.

BM: Well, I just want what's best for daughter! I'm her mother! I would never hurt her! I just want this and this and this for her.
ME: (after hearing that about 5 times) OK BM, but I want the same things. And I have to tell you that just because I didn't give physical birth to this girl, she does live with me. I DO CARE about her just about as much as you do.
which led to...
BM: (raised voice, almost screaming) WHAT??!! Is this a competition? I'm her Mother!! YOU don't understand! How can you even say that to me? (and to my saying SD lives with me) "Oh that's fine". (I felt bad about saying that, because I know it probably really hurt her, and I lost my control.)

****

BM: OK, so I want to have a surprise party for SD at my house. But I know SD doesn't really like surprises!! But cousin 1 had a party and liked it and cousin 2 had a party and liked it!! And I wouldn't do anything, except be there to serve food and I'll take care of the food for them!
ME: Well, BM , you know it could go either way. I completely agree SD needs a party with her friends. But she already said she doesn't want that and she is funny about surprises. Also, you guys are not really in a place right now where this would be a good idea for her.
BM: Well, I want to have the party! She can have her friends and you know cousin 1 and cousin 2.... (Which she went over all of the reasons why she wants this party to happen. Over and Over and Over again.)
ME: OK BM, but she already has issues at your house. Do you want to do it here? And bring her home from a visit and come up with her and surprise her that way? Or, maybe you could take her to a movie theater and have her friends there, or a bowling alley? That way it's her and her friends...
BM fought this idea for a while, because she wanted to have it at HER HOUSE. She wants this at her house because then it proves to SD's friends that she is a good mother!! We all know this .
ME TO BM after hearing again how she wants this: Listen, is this party for YOU or for SD? Take yourself out of it. It's not about WHAT YOU WANT. It's about what SD wants!! (and then I had to listen to the fallout from that.)

****

BM: Daughter is so rigid and not funny. She has no sense of humor. She doesn't get my sense of humor. She doesn't think I'm funny.
ME: SD is funny! But she's got a very dark, sarcastic wit. She can really joke, but it's dark, it's not silly like yours!
BM: Oh yeah, But she'll grow out of that!!
ME: What's wrong with her the way she is?
BM: Well, I'm just saying she'll grow. She'll be a different person when she's older!!
ME: OK BM... but you are trying to relate to her NOW and not when she's 30. !! (UGH)

*** and my favorite...

ME: SD is pretty much exactly like DH. They talk the same, they say the same things apart from each other, they have the same mannerisms, etc.
BM: But she's like me too!
ME: But when you say that, it makes it sound like it's bad that SD is like DH. What's wrong with her being like DH!
BM: Well, it's just that she's my blood too! She's like me too! She has me in her!
ME: When I was little, if someone said that I was like my dad, my mom would laugh! She didn't take it like she had to jump in there and say "Oh Stick is like me too!!"... It doesn't matter!!! It's who SD IS. She doesn't have as much you in her as you'd hope, so you can't try to relate to her on your level... you have to try to relate to her the way she is!
BM: But she has me in her too!
ME: (After a long go round and her basically disregarding my husband) YOU DON'T ACCEPT YOUR DAUGHTER FOR WHO SHE IS.
(Which got us into another little mini argument.)

****

And then we also got into the argument about families. And how DH's husband still accepts and treats her nice because she tried so hard (it's all about her), and her family treats DH like dirt, but that's okay because that's the way they are and she can't help it.

NOTE TO Barbie: I got on the phone last night with BM, because I truly want their relationship to get better. At one point, BM accused DH and I of trying to keep SD away from her. And I asked her straight up... WHY? What do DH or I have to gain by you having a bad relationship with SD? NOTHING. (We aren't getting child support right now, and actually their horrible relationship is to our detriment!! We'd do better if they got along better!!)

But in the end, it's not how it came out. I felt horrible, because BM thinks that SD should just accept her and everything she did to SD while she was growing up without any accountability because she's "sorry for it all" and that should be enough. BM doesn't realize how close she is to losing her daughter. I felt horrible for hurting her. And I felt horrible because I couldn't keep my own self OUT OF IT.

If you can sit with BM and listen to her and let it roll of your back... great. But if you are like me and can't keep your mouth shut... you may want to wait!!