Us + Daycare VS. BM
The last year has been a constant battle trying to get SS3 to do things for himself. We always have to start over with him the first day we have him because BM is "a slave for him" (her words). BM puts his shoes on for him, takes his coat off for him, hangs it up on the hook for him, brushes his teeth for him (don't get me wrong, we help him out with that since he's still young but we're teaching him how to do it well on his own), etc, etc, etc.
In recent weeks, daycare has been much more vocal with us about how she can see the difference between our households. A week ago, SS3 kind of held up his foot for me to take his boot off. I said, "You always do that by yourself at our house, so you can do it now, too." and daycare made a comment like, "Yup, mom isn't here to do everything for you is she?" Last night, SD5 almost forgot her snowpants and daycare said, "Yup, your mom isn't here to carry them for you so you have to do a better job remembering!" This morning I was praising SS3 for doing such a good job taking everything off once we got to daycare and doing it all on his own, and daycare said, "Yes, it's such a struggle for all of us when no one makes him do that stuff at the other house." Our daycare is very much on the same page with us as far as raising kids go, so that's really nice.
This morning FDH and I discussed this briefly and I said, "The hard part is, BM thinks she's being a good mom by doing all this for her kids." FDH said that's how SHE was raised. It makes sense. BM thinks she's entitled to everything, never utters a 'thank you' or any sort of gratitude toward anything. Hopefully we're teaching the skids something they'd never learn without us around.
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Fix it now!!! I have a SS12
Fix it now!!! I have a SS12 and SD13 who can't function unless they are told every stupid little thing to do... even drives my DH nutso! Here's just a few examples:
DH told skids he would take them skiing. SD shows up with no coat (WHAT??) SS shows up with no coat and then after we go to BM's to get his coat we get 1/2 way home and DH says "Do you have your ski pass?" SS- (deer in the headlights look)..."No" So we have to turn around and go all the way back... WTF?
DH takes skids skiing, they are about 45 minutes into the trip home, DH says to SS "You got your snowboard right?" SS- (deer in the headlights look)... "Um I thought you did" DH says "What??? Why would I get YOUR snowboard, that is YOUR responsibility, not mine!" So they have to turn around and drive all the way back (thank God it was still there)
SD loses her cell phone on a monthly basis for weeks at a time
I could go on and on... and what drives me and DH nuts is it is ALL common sense stuff, they are just lazy and used to BM doing everything for them so they don't have a shred of responsibility for ANYTHING! thank God my DH agrees it is absurd and reads them the riot act about it.. not that it helps...
Yes, I see this being our
Yes, I see this being our future if BM doesn't get her crap together. Hopefully the skids will start to do things for themselves at BM's house, too. Like this morning I just told SD5 that. She was brushing her own hair, which is a rat's nest all the time. I've always suspected that BM doesn't really brush her hair and it was totally confirmed this morning. SD5 was complaining about it hurting, but I reminded her to go from the bottom-up and explained that I have curly/wavy hair too and had a hard time with it, but hte more you brush it the better it gets. SD5 then said that BM always just brushes the top and leaves all the knots on the bottom. I said, "Why don't you just brush your hair then, like you do at our house?" SD was stupefied that she could do things for herself at mom's house, too!!! *rolling my eyes*
Why is your DH enabling this
Why is your DH enabling this behavior ?? The first time maybe, after that well I guess your not sking are you
Why is your DH enabling this
Why is your DH enabling this behavior ?? The first time maybe, after that well I guess your not sking are you
++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
That's the conversation we had... that unless he starts making consequences for their actions ( or inactions), they will never grow to be functioning adults. At 12 and 13 they are certainly old enough to have responsibility.. especially for their own things! I didn't add it in my previous post, but DH DID tell SS that if the snowboard was not there when they got back to the resort that he was NOT getting a new one and they would be done for the year. He also told them after the no coats, no ski pass incident that whoever showed up the next time missing things, would not be going skiing. I told him, "yeah right, you won't do that".. but he swore he was not kidding that he is just as sick of it as I am.... at this point they haven't been skiing since, so still waiting for the next trip, to see if skids took him at his word or what and to see if DH will follow through with his consequences.
Oh Daisy you are singing my
Oh Daisy you are singing my song!
fsd11 and fss13 cut their food with a knife...I kid you not. My SO was cutting up their food when I met them.
They picked up nothing after themselves. We have since started the "fixing" process as well.
After sd10 at the time said I don't pick up my towel at my moms, I said sweetie does this look like your moms? Pick it up. I cut them no slack..if it is yours you will pick it up you will put it away. I don't expect you to pick up my stuff..so don't expect me to pick up after you.
I have even talked to grandmommy and said you are not to pick up after them. She said I don't mind. I said I do. We are trying to teach them to pick up after themselves and to be responsible for their things...she then got it, and is now following our lead.
It amazes me how these people including my SO think they are going to raise responsible adults when they don't teach them to be responsible?????I just don't get it!
YES YES! Yet another thing in
YES YES! Yet another thing in our house that is such a struggle -- they never have to pick up anything for themselves at BM's house. After the bath, their towels get left on the floor of our living room...every single time I have to remind them to hang them up. Just constant prompts every single day about every little thing! Getting them to clean their room *gasp* is a total struggle because they don't know 'how' to clean up their toys. I have can't even say, "Put all the cars on the floor into its bin where it belongs," I have to say, "See that red bin right there? Pick up that car that's right by your foot, and put it into the bin. Now pick up all the other ones on the floor too. See the other cars?" Hopefully we can teach these kids to be responsible adults some day!
well just be glad the towels
well just be glad the towels didnt end up in the toilet my 13 year old stepson has a habit of putting bath towels in the toilet and then taking them out and then putting them on the floor,so when you pick them up and ask why its completely soaked his reply it was in the toilet and my crap was in the toilet at the same time,but it was accident,yes he is the Devil!!! :jawdrop: :sick:
Accountability,
Accountability, accountability, accountability builds self reliance.
We still struggle with our son (my SS-18) with follow through, doing "it" right, finishing the job, etc, etc, etc....
Even with only 7wks of SpermClan visitation a year their catering to him and excusing poor or non existent performance as "he is just a kid" has adversely impacted our kid.
We still do not let him off of the hook for this crap though it has been going on to some level for 17 years.
I make it a point to observe what he has not completed and when he is on to doing something he likes I stop him and send him back to finish what he already should have done. This drives him nuts but I always close the conversation with "if you don't like having your mom and I telling you what to do or on your case all of the time then you can fix it by doing what you know you are supposed to do, doing it right and doing it all when you know you are supposed to do it".
Nip this crap in the bud immediately or you will be dealing with it 15yrs from now.
Trust me.
"Oh, I forgot" Grrrrrr!!!!!!
"Oh, I forgot" Grrrrrr!!!!!! That one just chaps my ass.
I have heard it from my SS-18 since he was 4yo. It has gotten no better. So, now we don't punish ourselves by facilitating his fixing it, we just leave what he forgot where he forgot it and don't replace it.
If he forgot to do something he does it immediately after we ask about it. My favorite torment tactic on this issue right know is sushi. The kid is a junky. When we get home and he has not done the chores he was supposed to do my wife and I get in the car and go for sushi while the kid finishes his chores and eats whatever is available in the fridge or pantry.
If we are really frustrated with him about it after sushi we will go see a movie that he has said several times that he wants to see. When we get home we talk incessantly about how good the new sushi place we ate at is and how awesome the movie was.
He will get pissed off teen lockjaw over this for a few days but he will stay on top of his responsibilities until the next time.
I am so evil, but I LIKE IT!!!! }:)
My SD5's BM is guilty of this
My SD5's BM is guilty of this as well. Instead of daycare noticing its kindergarten teachers in our case. BM does way to much for SD5 and she if often astonished at the things she finds out SD can do on her own. She also excuses alot of SD5's brat like behavior. She has gotten better since she married but still she babies SD5. I've heard "well she is still little" come out of her mouth a few to many times. She might be a small child but she's not a baby. At our house she knows she has to do things for herself and she huffs and puffs and roles her eyes and proclaims "but BM would do it for me". I just say well your at this house not your other house and here you will do it yourself. She does it (usually) without much issue after that. It is frustrating though...if BM would just STOP babying her then we wouldn't have to keep discussing it with her and her teachers wouldn't have to keep complaining about it and then I wouldn't have to keep hearing BM complain about the teachers and how their to nit-picky and their expectations are to high for a 5 year old....
I make the skids buckle
I make the skids buckle themselves up in the car (SS3, I help to an extent, but he has to get the buckle ready to put into the thing, I hold the thing for him and he clicks it in). This am, SD5 was complaining about how hard the buckles are in my car. I said, "Yeah, they are kind of tricky because they're floppy. Some cars have the kind that are stiff so it's easier to click in. Oh well!" and SD5 goes, "I think EVERY one has cars that are tricky, except for Mommy's. Because Mommy just buckles us in."
I explained that she should start telling mommy "I'll try to do it!" so she can show Mommy what a big girl she is. She didn't seem too sure about it. I am just hoping we can instill in the kids the DESIRE to do things on their own and if we keep praising them at our house for these things hopefully it'll bubble over to BM's house.