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HA! DF asked me if I think we should invite BM to our wedding......HELL NO!

SteppingUp's picture

Submitted by SteppingUp on Mon, 02/07/2011 - 2:05pm

DF and I both stopped at home for lunch today. Somehow BM came up and he mentioned how strange it is that BM has a holiday picture card on her refrigerator of her ex's family (which includes her ex's girlfriend). This is the guy who is SD5's bio dad. Anyway, this led to me saying, "That's a little weird but she must be doing it to try to be 'good' -- for her daughter's sake. However, I can't imagine being the ex's mom and sending that card to BM. That's like us sending BM a card after our wedding (which is in Sept) with us and the skids and her putting it on her fridge."

This in itself is not the weird part -- sure, whatever works. Some people would do that and it'd be normal, I'm just saying that in our situation it seems strange.

However, DF then said, "Do you think we should invite BM to our wedding?"

I blurted out, "HELL NO! There's no FREAKING way I want her there."

He seemed a little shocked and was like, "Woah, calm down. You know, we're trying to work together better and communicate better with BM and be friendly...maybe it'd be a nice gesture for her to be invited since the kids are IN the wedding."

I said, "No. No. No. BM's face is the LAST face I want to see on our wedding day. If she wants to come see the kids dressed up before/after the wedding or whatever, fine. But I do not want to see her what.so.ever. on OUR wedding day!!!"

DF kind of got a little upset with me...he said he was really shocked with my reaction and that it seems like I have a lot of resentment towards her and the situation and he's SURPRISED that I have those feelings. I told him, "Of course I have these feelings for her! Every single time you think she's turning a new leaf and trying to be a better person and things are going better, she ends up walking all over you, the kids, and me! You have to see that it's hard for me to believe that 'this time' will be different than all those other times. And it's still not my fault for not wanting one of YOUR exes at OUR wedding. Would you want one of MY exes at our wedding?"

His answer of course was no...and he started to say that this is a different situation because BM is always going to be in our life so maybe we should try to include her in things like this to extend an olive branch...blahblahblah...

The moral of this post is that it pisses me off that BM manipulates him into thinking she's changed (they had a sit-down meeting last week that went really well) so now he'll get walked on for the next two months and think things are turning around...and will give her the benefit of the doubt on EVERYTHING...and then she will royally F up again, hurt the kids in the meantime, and it'll makes us realize ONCE AGAIN that she'll forever put HERSELF before her kids. I am just sick of playing that game so I am not going to let him be manipulated like that anymore.

I realize I'm being harsh on her and that maybe I should be more open to the idea that things are changing...I am just finding it REALLY hard to do....and this really got me fired up this afternoon!!!!

Comments

SteppingUp's picture

Submitted by SteppingUp on Mon, 02/07/2011 - 3:40pm

heheheheh Smile

He did have a few drinks last night for the Superbowl...maybe it was his hangover talking!

karenemoy's picture

Submitted by karenemoy on Mon, 02/07/2011 - 2:14pm

Really - same here - just when you think BM has changed - BAM! Things are totally about her. DH does not learn because I told him - you want that evil bitch out of your life - then tell her NEVER to contact you again and if she does you are going to the police.

But NO - he does not want to get her mad. WTF - do what you want DH. I have been very clear - now that SD is married I will NEVER be in the same room as that crazy bitch ever again.

NO WAY. And I will never be in the same room as your drug addict, manipulation son. DONE!

VioletsareBlue's picture

Submitted by VioletsareBlue on Mon, 02/07/2011 - 2:18pm

BM was whining that she hoped DH and her (and me) could have SDs birthday parties together one day. SD6's 5th bday, I relented and let her come. NEVER AGAIN.
All she did was sulk and bitch the whole damn time. No thanks .. we don't allow that kind of crazy here.

SteppingUp's picture

Submitted by SteppingUp on Mon, 02/07/2011 - 3:39pm

You see, that's something I could handle. If it's about the skids, sure we'll suck it up and try to compromise/extend olive branch/be "normal"... but not on my wedding day!!!

iwishyouwould's picture

Submitted by iwishyouwould on Mon, 02/07/2011 - 2:20pm

I think its funny that he was *shocked* that you would feel that way. LOL. "im shocked! shocked to find there's gambling going on here!" ... anyway, it's supposed to be your special day, not the day that you hold peace accords with BM.

Butterflykissesandlicks's picture

Submitted by Butterflykisses... on Mon, 02/07/2011 - 3:46pm

LOL

" ... anyway, it's supposed to be your special day, not the day that you hold peace accords with BM."

jjj111's picture

Submitted by jjj111 on Mon, 02/07/2011 - 3:01pm

All I can say is unreal. Whether or not you like her, there is no need to invite her to your wedding. This is your day and you do not need the "past" there. Your fiance needs to understand this loud and clear. There are other ways of making nice gestures but this is not one of them. Put it to him this way, not sure if this is your first marriage and his second but if it is then say..."I already have to walk down the aisle with a man who already did this once. That makes this hard on me to begin with with as you have already done this and the first time is always well just that... your first time. Since I am your second time, I would appreciate it if your "first time" wasn't here reminding me of that. This is my special day too and this is what my heart needs. Let me feel like your first for just one day, ok?"

Rags's picture

Submitted by Rags on Mon, 02/07/2011 - 3:09pm

Past behavior is the best predictor of future behavior and performance. Insanity is doing the same things over and over again while expecting a different result.

People do not change. Personality and character are set before a child turns 10 yrs old.

If your FDHs X has not changed how she interfaces with him and has not lived up to her previous promises she likely never will.

Extending an olive branch to someone who incessantly uses the branch to beat the shit out of you is insane. If FDH does not learn to get his X under control rather than incessantly expecting her to "work with you/him" this problem will become his to be accountable for.

At this rate FDH is showing himself to be as insane as his X is if he expects her to change when she has failed to do so over and over again.

Stick to your guns and keep BM as far away from your wedding day as possible.

All IMHO of course.

SteppingUp's picture

Submitted by SteppingUp on Mon, 02/07/2011 - 3:38pm

I agree...that's definite insanity! He just keeps trying to see the good in her, I think to make himself feel better for ever being with her... Smile He's gradually getting better, though! But this definitely showed me that he's not quite there yet.

aggravated1's picture

Submitted by aggravated1 on Mon, 02/07/2011 - 3:14pm

Just a warning....
EVERY TIME I have tried to be nice to BM and extend an olive branch, she has tried to gnaw my arm off. If you let her attend, 2 days later she may show her true colors again, and you are always going to look back on your wedding day as the day you were played for a fool by allowing her to be there.
And your fiance' is an idiot. I would really have to think about this one.

SteppingUp's picture

Submitted by SteppingUp on Mon, 02/07/2011 - 3:36pm

I totally agree...you know that SOMETHING would happen... like a snarky comment, or a gawk with a side of disdain that would just rub me the wrong way. No way, Jose.

And even with 250ish people in attendance I can guarantee she'd stand out like a sore thumb.

Butterflykissesandlicks's picture

Submitted by Butterflykisses... on Mon, 02/07/2011 - 3:48pm

" They just blend them together into one."

Right? NOT going to happen.

skylarksms's picture

Submitted by skylarksms on Mon, 02/07/2011 - 3:51pm

I'm raising my hand here! I've asked my H numerous times, you DO remember who you are with, right? He has major mistrust issues caused by BM screwing around with multiple men.

Oh, and if he would have even SUGGESTED inviting BM to our wedding?!?!? There wouldn't have BEEN a wedding.

FedUpFallon's picture

Submitted by FedUpFallon on Mon, 02/07/2011 - 3:25pm

Tell him, "sure and while we're at it we need to make sure that she is invited to the birth of our first child- or do you just want to invite her to the conception!" }:) Ya, I can be a little monster. LOL

SteppingUp's picture

Submitted by SteppingUp on Mon, 02/07/2011 - 3:34pm

That's a whole other thing there! I'm having our first child and due in 3 weeks! I told him I don't want BM anywhere near that hospital...she can drop the skids off at the door to see their little brother and he can meet them downstairs in the lobby...there's no freakin way she's coming up to the OB unit.... haha!

SteppingUp's picture

Submitted by SteppingUp on Mon, 02/07/2011 - 3:33pm

You guys are all hilarious!

Okay, in my FDH's defense:

He said it without thinking, I know this. I do truly feel that if he had given it a moment's thought he would have realized not to even GO there! Smile I think he's just used to me being a very level-headed person...and this was something that I HAVE thought about before and knew what my response would be to such a thing (having seen this situation played out on these boards before), so my reaction certainly was much harsher than he probably expected it to be. And like I said, the moment I mentioned inviting one of MY exes, he seemed to "get" it.

So yes, DUMB DUMB DUMB DUMB for him to even UTTER the words...but I will give HIM the benefit of the doubt that he didn't really think through it before mentioning it. He really wants things to be peaceful...he's TOO good, sometimes. Smile

LizzieA's picture

Submitted by LizzieA on Mon, 02/07/2011 - 7:17pm

Attendees at a wedding should be there to wish the couple well. Can he honestly say that she wishes you two happiness? Talk about a specter at the feast! Barf.

SteppingUp's picture

Submitted by SteppingUp on Thu, 02/10/2011 - 8:55am

I see what you're saying. Yes it is me who was very careful abuout making sure BM knew about our new baby (good memory!). I think he thought I was being harsh because he's not used to me being so blunt and quick. I'm usually the type to kind of weigh things he asks/says/requests and think about it for a second. I think it just surprised him that I HAVE already thought about it and knew what my answer would be! Smile

somerg's picture

Submitted by somerg on Tue, 02/08/2011 - 9:32am

i got one better......bm and her fiance' invited my dh ONLY to their wedding (yes they needed us there to pu the kids after the wedding which was no prob, but we BOTH waited in the car) my ex's family invited me to his wedding with my sd's smom...........WTF? i dont' think so

and of course skids (when dh and i were getting married) asked if their mom could go........uh NO!