She has "adult spousal status" assigned to her by both bioparents. In their world, SD is equal to you (in the case of DH) and ABOVE you AND DH (in the case of BM).

She needs to be put in her place through traditional parenting and heirarchy. Of course that won't happen due to guilty daddy "I might lose her to the BM if I start giving her boundaries" (TM)

I feel for you. My only defense was to let skids know that I was the ultimate authority DESPITE what they heard from biodad. I did this out of earshot of GG (biodad I live with) because, of course, he thought to the contrary.

Since a child by nature wants to "divide and conquer" (especially so in non "intact" families) if you gradually let the child know that you see their manipulative tricks etc. they will soon be more wary of you. Now you have the opportunity to slowly but surely attack. Soon SD will be getting older. You disengage from her messes and let daddykins clean up after her, refusing to be her maid. Daddykins will soon get an eyeful of what his coddling has done.

If SD "tattles" on you to DH, you'll need to play it off "Kids say the DARNDEST THINGS!!" Then try introducing CHORES to SD. Then brag to DH about "how QUICKLY SD is CATCHING ON to dishwashing, sweeping the floors, cleaning the bathroom"

One of two things will happen. Either SD will "get with the program" and start her training program for the future as a responsible adult OR she will start trying to spend more time at the BM's if said BM has no rules (they usually don't). I think you see where this is going.

I feel your pain. My SD is 15 and has lived with us full time now for 2 years. She moved in 3 months after we got married. What a present, huh? NOT!!! She had lived several states away and visited only a few weeks a year.

I'm to the point now I can't even look at her. If she does talk to me, I respond in one word sentences. And yes, it's taken a toll on my marriage. What used to be an absolutely wonderful relationship is now full of arguing, ugly looks etc.

I have those same feelings. Those ugly feelings shock me. I am a good person, I was/am a good mom to my kids...what kind of woman thinks ill of a child/young adult? Me. I'm angry the majority of the time for the same reasons you mentioned. When he does something with SD or says something to her that he used to ONLY say to me, makes me wanta throw up.

So what do you do when you get those feelings? I end up downstairs alot. Then they'll sit upstairs together, and my mind just races. What are they talking about? How can he be so good to her when she has crapped on him and me? Then get mad at me for treating her badly? I'm at a loss...this is not what I signed on for, and my husband knows I feel that way. His response is, "What do you want me to do? Disown her?" Of course he can't do that. But what can I tell him to do? Any thoughts? I guess it's good knowing someone else is going through the same thing. "Misery loves company." I'm miserable.

I met my DH when his daughters were 5 and 7, and they are now 15 and 16, nearly 17. That decade can take an awfully long time to pass, but I don't want to make you feel any worse than you do already.
The way I have coped is by disengaging (8 yrs ago) and occupying myself by doing other things on my own or with friends when the SKIDS are here, EOW.
If your DH supports you and doesn't try to make you feel guilty over your attitude towards his child/ren then you are in with a chance.

Well I left. He still thinks it is my problem. His daughter did not live with us. His dream is that the BM one day will somehow die because she drinks and smokes and has seizures and his perfect precious princess will come live with him. I have told him that if that happens he and her can live together and I will move far away.He is intent to do right by her no matter how he is treated or I am treated or how his daughter treats his parents( there were instances where she was verbally abusive towards his father). His mother and father worship the ground on which his daughter steps- trips to Washington, piles of clothes , jewellery you name it they give it. In one instancn ehis mother gave his daughter a nice princess like dress. His daughter turned to his mother and said- give me the money. Great respect !
Of course I am the evil villain for pointing out his non parenting skills and his disney dad enabling behaviour and guilty daddy syndrome. He gets mad and defensive whenever I mention something about how he parents her . He says- it is not for you to tell me how to parent. He likes the attention that he gets from his daughter and I think from BM too. Somehow in his mind I think they are his family. I donot think he saw me as part of his family.
I saw the problems two years ago.i did not act- I did not leave. I wasted so much time and money. Do not make my mistake. His grandmother has told him - DONOT INVITE this child in your apartment where you and anafiodorova live. His aunts have told him that he will have problems with his daughter. His mother has told him that no woman will stay around until he is around his daughter and the BM. He just did not listen - he just still pines for the day when he and his daughter will live happily together. He wants her in his home. He wants to give her spousal status. And any woman that he is with will just be a mere shadow that has to agree to all he does and just cry quietly and suck it up. I just chose not to do this.
I have tried to occupy myself and do stuff. For me it just prolong the pain and made it worse. There are some great women here that will open up your eyes and give you great advice.Please, take it to heart and take the time to think about it. If I did that I would have been at a much better place financially and professionally now. I thought I loved him. I do love people . i am caring and compassionate towards everybody. He never loved me - he used me , manipulated me and did not respect me. He still thinks I am the one with the "issues". I told him - you will understand one day .... but it will be too late

Two things that have changed my outlook on life in a dramatic way:

1) DH said he actually sees how his kids treat me. He's confirmed that they are socially stunted towards me.

2) DH said he acknowledges how BM works, how she treats others, etc.

In both instances, I had always interpreted his silence as "acceptance" of their behaviors towards me (because he was NEVER silent with me when I would lose my patience with how they all acted). I finally told him exactly that -- and found out that his silence didn't mean he liked how they are, but after so many years of this he has "resigned" himself to the mantra that he is not going to acknkowledge that which he has no control over.

I agree. His kids aren't mouthy rude to me, they just won't speak to me. I guess that's a plus considering what some on here have to put up with. And the BM, well, I just made it clear to him that I do not and will not engage her in conversation, will not pick up the phone when she calls, etc. I don't inquire about anything regarding any of them because honestly, I'm not really that interested.

Things will never change -- the skids are old enough to know how they are acting. They are a product of their environment (I've stated in previous blogs and replies that they have been raised to look on all others with extreme disdain. NOBODY measures up in their eyes). And the BM, well, I guess this is how she's always been also -- self absorbed, above all others, selfish, etc.

What did change is that my DH spoke openly about his feelings, in turn validating mine. And it made me feel lots better.

This is what my fiancee asked me to do - fake it. He wants me to keep a smile and fake it so that his mother, his daughter the BM and everybody in his family is happy. How I feel is of little concern for him. For him if I fake it - he will be happy and will want to be with me. He likes to pretend that this his family is normal, which they are very far from being normal.
His motto - no matter what fake ot and pretend . Just smile. Well, I have dignity and self - respect. If I want to be with him he thinks that I should suport him by diregarding my dignity and self - respect. As long as he and his precious daighter, BM and mother are happy.I am so so sorry - my happiness means more to me and my parents and brother. There are people out there who truly care and love me and donot want me to prentend, fake it or suck it up. All of the last three words have been used by him in relation to how I should interact with his precious family.
He knows the flaws in his mothers, BM and daughters character . Among many they include mental health history of bipolar disorder for the BM that got it from her mother and possibly his daughter might develop it in teenage years. His mother is on depression pills- nobody actually knows what pills but on pills for her strange behviour . So yes, he also has told me that his daughter is a lying ass snitch. That was confirmed by his mother too. His grandmother is the only sane woman that has given him plenty of productive advice and has supported our relationship. She has told him many truths even beofre she has met me.
So my ex knows this dysfunctional situation - yet I am the one with the "issues" with his daughter. And as of late jelous of his BM that is with 9 th grade education , never has been permanently employed, all her life on welfare, monitored weekly by a social worker etc etc. I can continue forever. So i am jelous of this precious BM - wow!
A side note- everyone that has seen his daughter tells me- she looks scary and there is somethign evil in her eyes. Even people I have not talked to about the problems.

I love that "jealous" line. Had it thrown at me many times. So much so that I used it against him!!! When GG was particularly pissed at me for "talking bad about his family" (aka the BM who totally PASed his kids against him and the skids who won't give him the time of day despite everything we did for them) and was getting physically violent with me because of it, I told him that I was "jealous of him" and that seemed to calm him down. What a nit wit!!

Troperh,
It is my ex fiancee. I left three weeks ago.Prior to that I was disengaged from his daughter. No she did not live with us. His grandmother told him not to invite his daughter at our apartment. She even told him that he is crazy for thinking that. I never expressed an opinion on that.I did not even know his grandmother when she has told him that . It was an year into the relationship.
His daughter is 12 right now and next year will be 13. I left over an argument about her texting him at 7-8 p.m just to say hi.He liked the attention and kept texting with her back and forth. I wanted him to call and ask her why she is texting. I explaine dto him that I see the hand of the BM in these evening text messages. He said he is ok if it is the BM texting but it is not probable it is her because she is drunk at this time.I did not like the texting because he spend the whole weekend with her for aloen time going to movie and such. He has a son that he has full custody of and is very respectful. The son has been a joy.His son was not invited to the alone movie time. Well he comes from the weekend and I learn from his daughter`s facebook about their movie date. He didnot even tell me about it. I confornt him about it and he laughs in my face calls me jelous and has this content demanour that I just could not handle. He looked like anotehr man sitting in the armchair all happy with himself with a big smile. Well I left to see a movie by myself. When I cam eback he looked worried. Comes Monday evening and the texting starts. I asked him to call her. He would not but he said that he will set time to speak with her aloone every week?! Ok. Comes Tuesday the same text hey at 7p.m sharp. I address it - his reaction. I am jelous of the BM. Comes Wednesday the texting continues. What do I do cry , mourn and cannot take it. Place an ad go look for apartments , pack my stuff. I cry and mourn I ask him to talk. He shuts down completely and does not want to communicate - nothing. I found an aprtment on Friday. He leaves for his mother`s and comes back on Sunday evening. I cannot be around him. I go to a hotel. On Monday I take a u haul , load my stuff and leave. Since I have left he has e mailed me. Basically about me having issues with his daughter and he has not done anything wrong but text his precious precious. I am not mentioning other issues with his daughter sleeping in his bedroom on a mattress while I sleep upstairs , because we are not married and we respect his mother.Again we had a huge blow up in which I was ready to walk out because he did not see how wrong that was. His mother still thinks I overexaggerated the sleeping thing and his mother was upset at me. Really? So no I am not going back to this. He NEEDS me because his precious mother, daughter or BM do not give a ..... about him and never have and never will. I say karma is a bitch. When I left his laptop broke and his car broke all at once. No he WANTS and NEEDS my spare laptop. That is why he e mails.
No he will not change. He will make everybody else happy. He wants a perfect normal family in which the wife accepts all that crap with joy , happiness and just loves it. Well I am not that woman

But you have already said that you suck at faking - and yet that's all, it seems that DH wants you to do. Personally if I had to do that, I would consider it a step too far - no marriage is worth denying your own reality in order to save. Even if you did this, it would probably backfire on you in the end, because no-one can conceal their real self for ever, resentment builds - and it will come to an explosive head.
The only thing I could suggest is perhaps the two of you having some counselling so that you can come to an accommodation with each other regarding how each of you relate to SD.
My DH is well aware that I don't like my younger SD15. I tolerate her & am polite to her when she stays EOW. My older SD16 is easier to deal with, but we don't have a close relationship. Your DH will have to accept that he's not going to be able to create the perfect little nuclear family that he failed to create with his first wife/partner. If he wants this marriage, he's going to have to work at accepting your ambivalent feelings towards his daughters - this is the work that HE has to do - not you.

KES, you're l00% dead on. I do suck at faking, and faking is TOTALLY denying my reality. I've never thought that HE needs to realize this is how it is, and HE can figure out how to deal with it. He had never married my SD's BM....it was a teenage mistake. HUGE mistake, I might add. And they lived several states away until the year we got married....Then BM moved l0 minutes away from us. Full custody of then a 13yo SD, nice wedding present huh? NOT!!! So in all honesty, DH is just not getting to REALLY know his daughter at the same time I am. And it's been a rude awakening for him. Little precious princess isn't so precious, and hates to admit it just how big of a mistake it was....but here we are.

I honestly believe his eyes have been opened up BIG TIME. SD15 has done some horrible things to him, and it's been very hard on him, but he gets over it so fast and then gets pissed at me for calling her out on her bullshit. BLOWS MY MIND. Is that the guilty daddy symdrome I've been reading about on this site? TOTALLY makes sense. I told DH last night that I would come home and from now on would be nice to SD no matter what she does to him. 75% of the time I'm pissed at SD because she's treating my DH like shit. But I guess if he can get over being treated shitty, why should I fret about it. ??? Wow....

Thank you so much for your input.