Child support.

It's been a long road since my last post. DH just told me that lawyer has filed the petition to modify visitation and contempt of child support this morning and will be sending it to a private process server tomorrow -- she has not paid child support in almost 4 years and she has no plans to, so she is essentially over 10,000 in arrears. DH never really asked her for it because, (1) He didn't want to rock the boat and (2)he had the leisure of being able to do that because he makes six figures. I understood that, and until we were married a year and a half ago I was hands-off, like, it's your money you can do what you want with it and I'd ask him every once in a while since then about it but not say much in response.

But a few weeks ago I just -blew-. I didn't really mean to, but it all came spilling out, how I thought it was DISGRACEFUL that she hadn't paid a nickle to her kids, how I was SO SICK of her feeling like WE OWED HER when it was SHE that left them to "discover" herself, and how RIDICULOUS it is that my H has worked his @ss off for YEARS at the same job since he was 23 to provide for these kids and she thinks that money should be hers and how maybe HE didn't need the money and maybe SHE thinks he makes so much that she should be able to do whatever she wants, but HE WAS NOT GOING TO MAKE THAT DECISION FOR THE KIDS. I told him I didn't care if the money sat in a bank account for 10 years and was never touched, SHE WAS NOT GOING TO GET OUT OF THE RESPONSIBILITY TO FISCALLY PROVIDE FOR HER CHILDREN!!!!!!

I think that shook him up a little because he had no idea how I really felt but I was dead serious. I told him, the economy is bad, you never know what's going to happen, what if you didn't make that much money and we were living paycheck to paycheck, and she goes months without seeing them so she's making money and not even sending us any, and if the shoe was on the other foot she'd be knocking the door down calling him a deadbeat daddy and making damn sure she got every penny. Right. Sigh.

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You are doing the right thing IMHO.

Mum,

I understand your passion for ensuring that the NCP (non custodial parent) be held accountable for CS on her/your children.

My SS's BF repeatedly has attempted to either lower or get out of CS both through court action and attempting to "guilt" my SS in to pushing his Mom (my wife) in to dropping CS. Our philosophy is that my SS will have equal access to his SpermDad's resources primarily so that he will never have to hear "your Dad did not love you enough to support you". Soooooo .................. he pays and we will keep him on the hook until my SS is 21. Certainly our perspective could be considered vindictive but it is not about the money for us and never has been. My wife and I are both graduate degreed professionals and BF is an intermittently employed plumber. It is about my SS and his knowing that his "Dad" supported him and his Mom and I looked out for his best interests.

As for not allowing your SS's to have unsupervised visits with BM. I would in no circumstance allow her to have them due to both the flight risk and her unstable mental state posing a threat to their safety. Make sure you get this addressed in court so that your DH does not end up on the bad end of a contempt charge for not allowing the kids time with their Mom.

Just my thoughts and comparable experiences.

Good luck and best regards,

Thank you:)

It obviously breaks my heart to know that she doesn't care enough to provide for them. Maybe "care" is too blase a word, but definitely that she cannot put their interests first. She is willingly underemployed and my husband has her on tape recently saying, "Child support? I haven't paid you a dime." b&@?&!!! We take care of these kids 10 months out of the year or more some years and even when she stayed in our house husband would pay all expenses. Last night I told my husband how much I wished I could call her and ask her for the cs for this month because we recently took the kids out of after-care (4,000 a year) so we could save for a new car. I just wanted the 90 dollars to take them to the YMCA after school, but I can't even ask for that. (I found a great city-run free indoor pool with slides instead:))

We will let the court enforce the cs. Luckily for us, she will still have to pay the retroactive child support, but she may, of course, petition the court to reduce cs prospectively. It is even possible that based on her instability, the Court would issue that regardless of whether it is requested. Given that she does work and is in school and now having to pay for her own apartment (AGAIN only a one-bedroom) I'm not sure what the Court's view will be. We would probably be fine with her reducing the support at this point but I personally, speaking for myself, don't see the reasoning in rewarding her willingness to abuse support programs because she feels she shouldn't have to work or only work a few days a week.

The kids know NOTHING about all of this. I put her letters to them (about 12 from the last 4.5 years) on the wall in their room so they can see them. God willing, they hopefully will never know how skewed her thinking is until such a time comes when they are able to understand. I had not considered how the boys would feel about knowing that she had not been held accountable to care for them financially. That is an interesting new thought.

In the petition to the Court, we are focusing solely on her mental issues as the basis for supervised visitation and have provided reams and reams of evidence (most, but not all, straight from the horse's mouth) to support our claim. Since we are NOT filing for child custody, it is not before the Court.

Thanks so much for your words!

Bygones. Move on. Leave it behind. Let go. Make lemonade out of lemons. Walk it off. Laugh instead. Change what you can, accept what you can't.

How many other ways can one say, "Life is too short!"

In through the nose, out through the mouth.

Mum,

My pleasure. I am confident that eventually it will work out for you and your family. Hopefully sooner for you rather than later.

If you get a chance you may want to read "Don't Sweat the Small Stuff. And it is all small stuff." Which is a good read for coping with all of the nagging issues we sometimes face.