New Here!
Well, not really new...I've been lurking for YEARS trying to get an understanding of how stepparenting works.
Like my name suggests, I WAS a stepmom, but no more. My DH signed over his rights to both my SS's back in 2006 after an attempt at custody went horribly wrong. All the details are in my bio. I tried SO HARD with both boys. The 11 year old SS was so disturbed we never got custody of him, and the 8 year old SS was finally awarded to us. A total nightmare. His BM gave him ALL sorts of suggestions on how to ruin us and he tried EVERY ONE. Too bad she didn't put that much effort into putting the drugs down so she could parent her children and allow them (four total, 3 baby daddies) to have a healthy relationship with their fathers. Every effort my husband and the other men made to visit their kids was met with violence and threats-even CPS wouldn't go to her house without a police escort. That speaks VOLUMES.
Well, like I said, we got custody of SS8 and though he loved us and was SO well behaved during visits we made, he truly made our lives miserable. One example-he was outside with DD and she got caught in the little wicker seat we had up front. She was begging SS to help her or go get myself or DH and he just sat there LAUGHING at her. Thank God I heard it and ran out to get her unstuck. Many more incidents similar happened and his disrespectfulness towards DH and I kept growing...then one day my DD asked me if she could go to work with me. DH and I were delivering papers at the time-he was manager before we had custody-and DD went with one or the other of us and LOVED it. All our stops, the customers knew her and loved her. After we got custody of SS, we hired a sitter because he did not want to go. That was fine, and my DD LOVED the sitter so she usually stayed home as well. So I took her with me and halfway through my paper route she started talking about sexual things she had NO business knowing and damn sure did NOT learn from us-she caught DH and I 'in the act' once and asked if we were 'dogfighting' and we said 'yes' so that's how little she knew! I started asking questions, and eventually, on her own, she told me SS had been molesting her in the early morning hours while the sitter slept on our couch!! My heart broke and I left my route and took her back to our town and straight to the ER, where it was determined he HAD been at her. I LOST it. The police informed us that I HAD to take DD and leave our house while DH watched SS. DD wanted BOTH of us so I flat refused. CPS in our town was supposed to place him for us but decided it was too close to 5 pm Friday and didn't want to spoil their weekend looking for a place for him so they MADE us take him back home or be arrested for child abandonment. We would have lost DD, or I WOULD have gone for it. The police finally told us if we locked him in his room and only took him out to use the restroom when DD was home we could ALL go home. Not ideal but that's what we did for the WEEK it took for his California worker to come take him back. DH then signed rights to both boys away, and his oldest was adopted by his foster family and SS8 was institutionalized.
There's my dilemma. I am SO FRIGGING happy not to have to go through Step Hell like the majority of you are and I feel guilty because the only reason I am not is because my DD was molested. Major, major guilt..any words of advice, Step Talkers?
PS-My DD is now 10 and is doing WONDERFUL!! She only will say she will pray for him. NEVER mentions him unless I ask her if she's doing okay still and does she want to talk about it. The rape crisis nurse told me I would take longer to heal than DD and I thought she was nuts at the time but she was RIGHT. My DS is 4 and he has no idea of any of this and I would like to keep it that way. I don't want to bail him out after he tries to kill the boy. }:)
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Comments
Wow-- I think you did
Wow-- I think you did everything you could do in this situation. This was not your fault and I commend you for taking immediate action to protect your DD. Best of luck to you.
Oh my god, I almost threw up
Oh my god, I almost threw up reading this. Holy shit, I would have killed him had I found out. Nevermind that, if this was us, my FDH would have killed the little bastard himself, bioson or no bioson. I undertsand logically that he must have learned it from somewhere, more than likely BM subjected him to some kind of sexual act and twisted him so badly he thought it was acceptable but it is still unforgiveable. Either that or he's a little monster. Your DD is an admirable young girl for still praying for her molestor.
I'm sorry to hear that this is the road you went down, I cannot judge anyone for making the terrible choices your family had been forced to make. I hope everything works out for you and your family.
(this is why neither me nor SO will allow, when we do have kids, SS to be alone with them for more than a short period of time, and it will always be supervised. I will not risk it, never, and it has been agreed that should there be the inclination with any of our children, we will send them to therapy but they will no longer be allowed overnights in our house. I read way too many instances of this happening to even consider anything less than full parental supervision when SS comes of age to visit us.)
You have the right idea
You have the right idea not2sure! 100% eye on the kids when they're with SS!! DH and I did that, I even went so far as to sleep with DD myself until I had to go to work. It's the sitter who dropped the ball, and she KNEW better. There's a lot of anger there too. WHY didn't I just continue taking DD to work with me...but when she started kindergarten a few months later she would have had to stop anyway. So, yeah. Sorry to ramble on, but stick to your guns on the close supervision!! You'll never regret it!
Thanks for the feedback
Thanks for the feedback y'all!
I was honestly expecting to get flamed since the boy was so young. I was truly mad to find out he couldn't be prosecuted or even detained due to his age. My DD IS my main priority, and if it wasn't for the fact that she was molested, we would have kept going and tried to help my SS. However, he was delivered to us in June in TEXAS! with two suitcases full of sweatpants and sweaters and not ONE piece of paperwork-no birth certificate, SS card, not even so much as a piece of paper that would say DH and I had custody! Thank God SS never needed medical care-we would have been STUCK. Our hands were tied, we could not have gotten him any help anyway. And not2sure...believe me, DH and I BOTH wanted to kill-or at least beat-SS when we found out. The ONLY thing that stopped me was the fact that I would lose DD and that was NOT an option! Part of me feels sorry for BOTH my SS's but I would NEVER run the risk of having them around MY kids, EVER! I try to kick the guilt but sometimes it sneaks in anyway. Again, thanks for the feedback. I really appreciate it!