And I don't think there is a whole lot we can do about it. It is entirely up to the DH if he wants to respect your boundaries or not. Of course he has to kiss her ass because she holds the golden key - his kids, and that will never go away. As in my situation, I'm sure she is lonely and doesn't want him to forget about her. Hopefully she will find a new man some day and this won't be as much of an issue. As for the double standard, too f*ing bad - if he can't respect your boundaries, then you shouldn't have to respect his. You have to keep talking with your ex until he gets the point. Welcome to this site. I have found it to be very helpful.

i would just tell him straight out, that you don't want him talking to her unless it's about the kids and if need to be discussed. that's just me, i'm very straight forward. i wouldn't stand if i were in your situation, i would go crazy....and probably leave this man! i don't know how else you would bring it up, that's just my suggestion.

-happy mom

A little different in my situation but at the moment hubby and I are at logger heads over my ex, no kids involved but we are in business in a round about way. My ex can't stand him being around but has in the past handled it like a gentleman. Recently my ex broke up with his GF and all of a sudden, he doesn't want me talking to him and he is not to come here!!

Well at first I thought 'Ok I can understand how you feel' but I am doing nothing wrong, he only comes here once a month or so and always when hubby is home and only ever to drop off paperwork or mail for me. I am an adult and I am trustworthy and I am seeing him for business purposes and if I tell him never to come here that is the first restriction DH has made and won, if I agree what is to come?? Will he then start to think he can rule everything I do?? He sees his ex for the kid, why do I get the rules and he doesn't because of the kid??

I feel we are all adults and although married and sharing our lives, he doesn't own me. I am never alone with my ex and do not ask to be, we have no 'secret' relationship and I include DH with everything I deal with ex about. So stand up and say whats good for you must too be good for me, and the chit chat thing with his ex is out of control in my opinion. He has no right to have one set of rules for you and another for him. If he wins this round, what is to come for you? I respect my Dh and his feelings and opinions, but as long as I am forfilling these things I don't think I should bow down and let him make all the rules in my life. Good luck and I hope he can compromise with you on this one.

Catch xx
*Mean People Suck*

His communication with her about non-kid related stuff needs to stop. It is very important that you are clear with him about what does and does not make you comfortable with regards to his ex. His position is understandable, but it's time to cut the ties. It can be hard to do and scary as well, but it has to happen. What he is up to on any given day is not any of her business anymore. If they are on such good terms he probably should talk with her about this. He may very well get an angry response, but she will have to deal with it. He still has the right to see his daughters even if she were to try and threaten that. Hopefully you'll be lucky and she will take it well and you can all live happily ever after. It's unlikely it will be this smooth, but it really does have to happen.

If he is not ready to make the break with her after you make your feelings clear, you need to figure out if you can live with this or not. I'd also recommend that you consider why he is not ready for it. If he is just being nice to her he should be willing to cut it out for you. I'm not saying it's easy, by any means. It's tough being the dad in this situation. BM's seem to get more rights and lee-way in these situations.

I hope this works out for you. Trust me when I say that 100% honesty about how you feel is best. I can tell my DH how I feel about anything to do with the ex, from the pety and irrational jealousy that comes at time, to the way I want him to respond about something. He doesn't always fully understand or take my advice, but I can tell him and we can talk about it. This is so important in these situations!!

I have mixed feelings, but I think its because we DON'T have a good realationship with BB, so there is no need for idle chit chat. I recently attended a co-parenting seminar for work. One of the things it said was to treat your relationship with the other parent as a business arrangemnt - the kids are the business. There is no need to talk about personal items, okay to vent about kids, or share cool/funny stories, but no personal crap.

Now, the mixed feelings part. Even though my Ex and I did not part on the best terms, he was my best friend, and that was the loss that hurt the most. We do talk about once per month about small stuff ... hockey, friends, his family (I miss my nephews something fierce), and life in general. But I always have the conversation with DH around, or I tell him I talked to Ex today and this is what we talked about. But ... my DH is an odd duck ... I'm still friends with the man I was seeing before DH ... we still go to lunch, talk on the phone, and enjoy each other as friends. DH has no problem with that because he knows ex-bf wouldn't have satisifed me for long. DH also knows that I need the mental stimulation the ex-bf gives me - DH is smart, but not in the same ways as ex-bf and DH knows I need that (one thing I didn't have with Ex Husband either).

So, I have mixed feelings. But a double standard sure isn't fair. I would just tell him that it bothers you and if she starts talking personal stuff, ask him to interrupt her and say "is there anything else about the girls that I need to know?" Then end the conversation. Small personal chit chat is to be expected, but if the only reason for the phone call is social and it makes you feel uncomfortable ... he should respect your feelings.

~ Katrina

It can go away if you work on it. It takes a lot of time and effort. There are complicated reasons that people continue to talk to exes as "friends" (in many instances, not quite so much "friends" as still emotionally "enmeshed" with one another) after remarriage. It is perfectly natural that it would upset a new spouse.

For those it doesn't upset, that's great and to each her own; personally, I don't think a continued close relationship to an ex, kids or no, is right. Although I say hi to my one ex who is worth saying hi to from time to time, he has a new wife and baby and we are both very respectful of our new relationships. I think regular contact is inappropriate, even if my DH says he doesn't care. Just my opinion!.

Boundaries between exes are healthy. They are recommended by 95% of co-parenting educational materials for reasons that have to do with *protecting* the kids. Your partner needs to understand this. All re-marriage, stepparenting, blended family guidelines say that to create a strong healthy family for your kids, you need to put your new partner and your relationship with him or her first.

If you want to try establishing boundaries and can't afford relationship counseling, perhaps try searching the web for "co-parenting" and "boundaries" and you'll find a plethora of materials to read, absorb and share with your partner (works best during quiet contemplative times and not during fights).

It changed for me, after two years of working through. There are occasional slips out of control issues or inappropriate emotional familiarity, but 99% on her side, and only about 5% of the time. Things have particularly improved since we requested an increase in custody percentage and they went to mediation, and with the mediator present shared materials (that I found on the internet) about boundaries and co-parenting. She read them and said they made sense, and the communication has been very good--focused on the kids, business-like, and yes, still friendly and cordial as it ought to be; but only when appropriate and about the kids--ever since. Just my humble opinion. But the good news is that it can work out.
Good luck!!

I'm reading a book called "The Co-Parenting Survival Guide" ... so far so good, you might want to check it out.

~ Katrina