My first husband started out our marriage - and even before - saying he wanted the same things I did.. a house.. and a couple of kids. Somewhere along the line of our 6 year marriage, all that changed (after the wedding of course), and suddenly he was telling me he never wanted a house and never ever wanted kids.. they were apparently, too much responsibility.

I tried really hard for a long time to change his mind.. reminded him of what he'd told me in the beginning, but he stood firm. So we didn't have kids (probably for the best looking back) and our marriage was over after only 6 years. I wanted kids more than I wanted to stay married to a man who said one thing, but changed his mind. Kids were and are very important to me.

When I married my DH (with two kids of his own already) I made sure we were on the same page about having children. Funny thing, if he had his way I'd give him 10 more kids! But he'll have to settle for two.. trying to raise and put 4 kids through college will be tough enough.

So yes, they do sometimes change their minds.. and you need to decide how important this is to you. If having a child is REALLY important, than you need to call that to his attention. Remind him that the decisions for your family aren't just about him and his kids, but also about you, and the children you agreed to have together. Maybe going back into counceling will help remind him of that. Communication is the key though.. if he hasn't said he doesn't want to have a child wiht you, don't assume. Talk to him.. and let him talk to you!

Good luck!
Stepup

I told my hubby from the beginning that having children were very important to me. And if he changed his mind later, as much as I love him I would have given him an ultamatum. It is not fair to go into a situation where a mutual agreement was made and then change your mind without consideration to the other persons wants and needs. Being a mother is a beautiful thing and for me personally, I don;t think I would have ever felt complete without it. They question you have to ask yourself is if you give this up will you regret it later????? Major choice!

We talked about this a lot before we got married, because although I'd only had one child, he already had three. And when you have that many, you have to be really sure before you add more!

Fortunately, we were on the same page. We both wanted to have children together... we wanted at least one, possibly two. We found a way to make it work financially so that we could have a baby together and commenced to going at it like bunnies. I conceived right away, but had a miscarriage. We tried again and succeeded. Although it sent his ex straight to the courthouse to file suit for more CS, we've never regretted having our little "angel," and I use that term loosely. (The newbies might not know, but some of you oldsters probably remember hearing me tell all about my darling little demon-girl and her evil little 4yo self.)

After we had our daughter, hubby deployed to Afghanistan and when he got back, we decided to try for one more. I miscarried again. I was in really bad shape and it scared him to death, so after that, DH said absolutely no more. I wanted to try again, but he refused. Well, there was no way for me to have a baby and him not to, nor can you have half a child. You just cannot compromise on this issue. You either have it or you don't and someone is going to lose that argument and, probably, take hurt feelings over it with them to their grave. I will never be okay with not having one more. I've accepted it, I'm okay with hubby not wanting to try again and I don't hold it against him anymore, but I will always regret not having a third child. Always. It's been two years since my last miscarriage and I still have a hard time around pregnant women and babies, and I avoid the baby aisle at all costs. I am okay with DH, because I know it's just that he can't stand the thought of watching me go through another loss if I miscarried again, but it's hard to know that I'm not having another baby and it's not by my own choice.

Whatever decision is made, both people have to really be okay with it. I let go of my resentment, but there will always be some lingering sadness there.

~ Anne ~

Ladies and gentlemen, take my advice: Pull down your pants and slide on the ice! -M*A*S*H (Sidney Freedman to the OR staff on dealing with stress)

hey i'm on the other end of the same rope. my husband wants a baby from me, and i am uncomfortable with this prospect at this time in my life. i don't want to hurt or deprive him, i love him dearly. its just that i fear that our relationship might just be a little too unstable sometimes for us to go and jumble our situation anymore. i have agreat thing going with my stepson and my husband. i try not to show it, but it really upsets me when he puts pressure on me about it. i feel like a horrible person for it, but i'm not ready yet. i encourage his relationship with his son. i fear that maybe sometimes he looks past the wonderful things that he has and is sad about the things he doesn't. (i'm guilty of this too in many other situations)
anyway, maybe if you can get your man to explain why he feels the way he does about it, he might be more willing to listen to you. anne is right, though, you can't have half a baby. i guess just be absolutely sure this is what you want, but i wouldn't be aggressive . it takes 2, and you guys really need to agree, because you and your husband will not be the only ones whose feelings are in jeopardy. i didn't mean to sound so negative, but good luck!

Hi..I actually am very sad that next week my DH is getting snipped.... To backtrack, I was married in my early twenties. Hubby did not want children at all!!!! I knew I couldn't stay - that was a dealbreaker. -- Eight years later I remarried a man and had my one and only daughter - 12.....She's a blessing. When I met my current DH I was 44. Of course, I couldn't rush into having a child with him, and now I do think I'm too old and financially since gaining a stepfamily, I have no extra money...and we'd struggle so much more than we do already. He wants to devote this time now to "us" and concentrate exclusively on me (and me on him I suppose.) How could we go golfing????He definitely doesn't want any more (he has two girls and a boy.14, 15, 20). But it makes me sad....I would have loved to have his baby...our baby...So, logically I know his getting snipped is the right thing....but my heart hurts about this.

(Also, I do remember him telling me when we first got engaged that his daughter said she'd be okay with him getting married, but he better not have any kids with me.) I thought he was kidding but I don't think so...yet months later, I heard her say how much she wishes her mom would have another baby. Why the double standard???

I'm just grateful for my daughter at least and after next week will try not to think about it again. I also just hope our future granchildren will feel like "ours" God, I hope I don't go to a christening and see my DH and his ex and feel like that baby also is "their" grandchild and not mine...Any one experience that yet????

I did the whole power executive career thing in my 20's and didn't really think about this until I hit 30. I got divorced which put the whole thing on the back burner again until I married current DH 2 years ago. Just before we got married I became pregnant accidentally but miscarried. I really didn't like how my DH handled the whole thing. For the 8 weeks before I miscarried I had to listen to him drone on about how I couldn't call our baby after him since it wouldn't be fair to SS or how my SD would need the biggest spare bedroom in the house so as not to feel left out and how it was so important to make sure they knew how special SS and SD were. Wasn't my baby special too? I almost barfed the way he got on - where was he when I was overcome with joy and trying to take in all the information I could. When I miscarried he was very insensitive to me. He's moved on a lot now and wants another baby but both my skids have ADHD and are a handful even if only part-time. I always said 35 was my cut-off and now I am but the real stinger is that before I wanted it and embraced the possibility but now after 3 years of living with my skids and DH I am certain it will never be for me as long as I'm in this relationship. I really couldn't take on any more responsibility or stress and my skids are adamant there's to be no more children. It really wouldn't be fair to my potential child. I don't necessarily resent DH now but I do feel I may come to do so as I get older.

Originally, when DH and I met, neither one of us were really wanting a serious relationship, marriage or children... but we fell in love. Something that was NOT suppose to happen. LOL :O We were movie buddies, chums, pals... friends with benefits. But... things change. It's normal and natural. In fact, we both can recall the exact moment that we 'fell in love' with each other- ironically, it was the same moment for the same reasons! LOL. I'm a firm believer that things happen for a reason, we may not like the reasons or the causes, but there they be.

I was ADAMANT about NOT having children... NO way, Jose. Not me. I'm not the motherly type! Too independent, stubborn, whimsical, and well, truthfully scared. I didn't have the best childhood, in fact it was pretty pretty bad. But then comes along my SS. He just opened a whole new world and experience that I just didn't have. I see him as my own, he is my son, and many will say "Gosh, I thought YOU were his mother!" So, because of him, my heart softened and I so long to have a child of my own for many many reasons only my heart can convey that I can not find words to type.

But... (there's always a but!)

DH is ADAMANT about not having a child many thanks to BM2. Had she not withheld his daughter from him, we probably would not be together today. But, as course may have it, SD appeared, DH is scared to death of 'affording another child'- which is his whole basis for any new 'additions', and so I remain in this relationship despite that I know my feelings on the subject won't be heard... hence I type instead.

My real feelings on this is that I do want a child, but I can't imagine not living without my DH or SS either. Adjustments have been made, and always will be made. Perhaps someday, things will change. We did get married, and that was yet another hurtle that my DH had to make great strides for too. I never pressure him about it. I don't bring it up, EVER, because I know that he'll just get defensive right off the bat without batting an eyelash or hearing me out. Sad as it is, I know my limitations, but I also know that in reality, it really is better for us not to have a child under the circumstances financially. One side of me really really really likes my independence, but the other side of me is ticking away.

So, my solution was to get a cat. (And I have a sneaking suspicion that my DH and SS are going to get me a kitten for my birthday next month! My baby is lonely and needs a playmate.)

StepMom

Man has the intelligence to change his life,
Sometimes, he just fails to use it...