You are here

Failing Math

stepmom31's picture

Submitted by stepmom31 on Fri, 10/08/2010 - 7:44am

SS was made inactive in his 5th grade math class. I know DH is worried. I'm great at math and want to help but we get the kids only on the weekends and they never bring books home from school on the weekend. I asked DH to get SS to bring his math book home, I asked DH to call the teacher and ask her to let SS bring it home. SS is seriously falling behind, and he says his mom only helps him with hard HW questions. I feel so sad that I can't help more, and so angry that I have to watch this happen, knowing that I can help, but unable to help unless all the other players (DH, BM, SS) play their part. I'm also sad and angry that the success or failure of SS is going to affect me and my family in the long run somehow, and I barely have any control over it.

Comments

Milomom's picture

Submitted by Milomom on Fri, 10/08/2010 - 10:44am

Stepmom31, I'm sorry you're going through this and you are DEFINITELY NOT ALONE.

I've been going through the same exact thing as you for YEARS now with my BF. Your post made me remember how ANGRY AND FRUSTRATED I used to get so often. Unfortunately, if this is turning into a larger problem (causing conflict/arguments between you & your DH), you have to step back and let HIM do the parenting. Crayon knows what she's talking about - she has gone through it all over the years and she is right.

My situation: After all the offers over YEARS to tutor FSD16 in every subject she was having trouble with and just being ignored/blown off/yelled at, I eventually had to disengage from skids' education and everything related to it. Imagine how hard it is to watch a young girl fail math class the ENTIRE YEAR in 9th grade and 10th grade (I have a Bachelor's Degree in Applied Mathematics & Statistics!!) and also fail science the ENTIRE YEAR in 10th grade, as well as failing the State Regents Exam (which is REQUIRED that she pass or she won't graduate high school). Trust me, it saddens me, it frustrates me - and I have practically become an EXPERT IN TONGUE-BITING (I have a purple tongue that's falling off to prove it - lol).

Take a deep breath and repeat after me: NOT MY KID, NOT MY PROBLEM.

I'm sorry, but the reality of your situation (and mine and Crayon's) is unfortunately this: how the skids turn out, either way, is NOT A REFLECTION OF YOU AND WHO YOU ARE/HOW YOU WOULD RAISE YOUR KIDS.

So, if the skids do wonderfully, excel in every class & sport, graduate with honors, become raging successes in life, etc... you will probably get NONE of the credit. All of the credit will go to BM & DH/SO about what a great job they did raising THEIR kids.

HOWEVER, if the skids do horribly, fail all classes, struggle to graduate high school...you will likely get the blame if you involve yourself too much - so if you stay out of it, you won't be blamed.

At the end of the day, you have to think about the "big picture" - if your skid failing math is causing so much conflict between you & DH that it may eventually destroy your relationship via. arguing, him making you feel like a "nag" to him and his kids, etc... when all you are trying to do is HELP them and PREVENT them from failing (as what happened in my case), then DISENGAGE.

Let BM & DH do the parenting - after all, they ARE the bioparents and the responsibility lies with them. You trying to help with that responsibility will likely come back right to smack you in the face. You know the phrase: "No good deed goes unpunished." Remember it, EVERY.SINGLE.TIME.

Good luck Stepmom31!!

oneoffour's picture

Submitted by oneoffour on Fri, 10/08/2010 - 11:01am

I agree with the others. I am very history/english/geography minded. Math and science are foreign to me. It drove me crazy to watch SSons produce half-arsed work for subjects I knew better than they did (and I have only lived here 6 yrs). I taught as a paraprofessional for 5 yrs. i wasn't about to do the work for them but just a nudge in the right direction or a hint or 2 about layout and not writing your headings in 25 different colours.

But ... I had to step back and watch them miss a better grade. I realised that as a mother I wanted what was best for ALL the kids placed in my care. And as they failed or got lower marks in class I was not repsonsible.

It still hurts but it isn't MY future they are screwing up.