baby steps glad things are looking up

After marrying me, things CHANGED. DH changed. The relationship between DH and their mom CHANGED. And all this CHANGE is the saddest part for them. Even 5 years down the line.

^^^ EXACTLY what SS18 says.

Now DH knows that he's changed for the better. He says it all the time, that without me, his life would still be in a rut, and now he values so many things that he didn't give a shit about before. So DH is happy with his change,

^^^ THIS too. DH is happy but SS and BM are not. So they make our lives miserable by causing all kinds of havic and spewing out venum about us to anyone that will listen.

I think he is on the right track and making great progress.

I also think he should tell the kids they can come talk with him about problems they're having in life, problems they're having with this divorce/stepfamily situation (let's face it- these situations are unpleasant for everyone, BPs, SPs and the kids) and he will help them work through it. He should clarify for them that saying things like, "Dad, often I feel jealousy of SM31 and the younger kids" and/or "Dad, I'm having trouble getting along with SM31 and the younger kids" and/or "Dad, I'm very unhappy and really need to talk with you" is very different than actually disrespecting you. He should let them know that more than anything, he wants them to be happy and will do whatever he can to help, but they have to put forth some effort too. That this effort will likely include them having to learn to accept and cope with a difficult situation and treat you all respectfully. That they will have to learn healthier, better ways of coping and venting. That they may be getting help from a third, neutral party (a counselor).

For him, that will mean that he has to face the reality that this is a sucky situation for his older kids, and do what he can as a parent to help them out and teach them healthy coping and venting skills. That may well mean that he has to hear about unpleasant issues they have with you and your bios. This will mean he has to do heavy duty parenting and let them know that feelings are ok, healthy and should be talked out and dealt with, but they don't give them a free pass to be disrespectful to you and your bios. This will mean that he has to face the reality that you may never be one big happy family, and should be doing what he can to help you all get to peaceful co-existence. This may well mean he needs to get his kids counseling (or ask the court to order that).

For you (and your bios), this means accepting that they may never like you or grow close to you. That you will have to face the fact that they do feel jealous of you. That your bios may never be close with them. That you will have to hear about BM and the fun things that go on at her house. That in the course of Dad's helping these kids work through their problems, you might come up in their discussions. Again, that's where DH needs to step up and say feelings are ok, it's how you handle them that matters, and let's talk this through and come up with some solutions that can help you.

Last, but not least, he needs to let them know that HE wants them to be happy and live fulfilling lives. And that he, as their dad, will do whatever he can to help them, but will not tolerate them being disrespectful to you. That he wouldn't treat their partners that way and he expects that from them.

He needs to have these chats with them, and often.