Absolutely you should be there.

No ifs, ands, or buts about it. No excuses.

I think you should be there. If she has something to say regarding you, you should be there to deal with it whether it is good or bad. If its good, there should be no problem with you being there. If its not, you should still be there to listen to what she has to say, hear her view and be able to state your point of view.

You can only be the 'bad guy' if you want to be the 'bad guy'. It is all about perception.

Although your DH should tell his ex that if she has anything to say about you then you will be part of the conversation. Discussions about the children may or may not involve you. After all, they are THEIR kids. But if you are brought up as part of the issue/problem then you get included again.

It may take more than a few days to get the rules system working. I had to fight with my DH for about 3 months before he had the boys take their ball caps off at the dinner table. He lived on his own for so long he almost had a Frat House thing going with his pre teen sons! it wasn't until i refused to cook or do the dishes after a meal that he got the idea he better see my way. Also having his mother back me up was helpful *grin*

Couldn't she just email your DH what her she wants to talk about and then he could avoid a big discussion about it? Or text? 140 characters or less?

"She prefers to hold him down, one-on-one, and demand immediate answers, without giving him a chance to really think about the issue, and definitely without giving him a chance to talk to me."
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All the more reason for him to deny the sit-down & rather offer the opportunity to communicate by phone or by email. As long as he continues to let her do it, she will.

Absolutely you should be there. If the meeting is about you, insist on attending or insist that DH refuse.

I don't think you need to be there. I am of the belief that all conversations regarding the kids should be between their parents. He does need to stand up for you. If my DH had been on my side early on in the rule issues, we may not be having some of the problems with the BM now. If it happens again, than maybe you need to exchange emails with her. But, I think this is a conversation that he needs to have with her. His house, his rules. He doesn't dictate what happens in her house, she can't dictate what happens in his house. He just needs to be very firm on that.

100 % is my vote. You should be there if he is not going to defend you. How would he like it if your ex bashed him ?

I don't see whay BM is deciding there should be a "meeting" in the first place!

This is clearly BM sticking her nose in where it doesn't belong-
in YOUR home. BM should not be having a conversation about the things that happen over at your home.

You and your DH need to institute a clear policy when it comes to BM because it is clear she is "confused" when it comes to boundaries:
"What happens at our home is our business"

We had this same problem with our BM years ago. She felt she could "micromanage" the decisions DH and I made with the kids in our home, because the kids would call her up to complain at every little thing they didn't like. She, in turn, would call DH to "save" them from our "horrible" home, creating a hostile environment ("us vs them").

Don't feed into it. Have DH shut it down immediately.

I didn't read any of the responses but my first reaction is UMMM NO you may NOT talk to me or my dh about 'his wife' you may talk to me if you have a problem about our kids. But NOT about my wife! sorry but that is the way I feel. I don't think it is a good idea for the ex to be talking to her ex about his spouse. I think that if there is a problem the kid is having or the ex is having in regards to the kid at his house she needs to address it that way.

ETA: I also think this converstaion should be held by phone, text, or email. Defiantly not face to face.

One last thing I forgot to mention, a few years or so ago bm took the boys to a councilor and bm tried to make dh believe that the councilor wanted them to sit down and talk about me the kids and everything. Dh talked to him about that and he said he would never ever recommend that ever.

I would ask your DH to tell her that if she has an issue with you than she needs to take it up with you. He is not a mediator, and neither are you. You're all adults. If she's got a problem with one of you she can either suck it up, or approach the person she has a problem with. Simple as that.

After reading other replies I've changed my mind about my answer.

I think your dh should refuse to meet her to discuss you at all.

As others said, if she has a problem with you she needs to take it up with you. He needs to make it clear to her that YOU will not be a topic of conversation between him and her and the ONLY thing he will ever discuss with her is the children.

If she tries to say she wants to talk about your relationship with the children then she needs to talk to YOU not him.

Also, that talk needs to be in writing - email.

I feel for you and if that were my dh that i was luck he even said anything to me I'd rip him a new one! That is not acceptable. I would stand up for myself at this point and demand the respect. tell him how would he feel if the shoe was on the other foot and your ex wanted to talk you about him and he was not allowed to be there. Or would he feel that he has no right to talk about him? See what I mean? Oh no it wouldn't happen here. That shows disrespect toward you. You should have control at your own home and weather your dh talks about to you to whom.

Awesome!!! woohoo so happy for you. BTW I understand where you are coming from as my bm did the same thing, said I make the boys my slaves! Whatever! I just make them clean their own messes, their rooms and help with common areas! GEEZ!

I love it when our dh's do that victory!!!