Thanks so much for the support and nice words! I will definitely be asking a lot of questions and needing input if we actually do have the skids for res. custody or possibly (eeek!) full-time. It's hard to imagine BM giving them up completely because she is so tied in with them emotionally (in her weird way) but I definitely like to be prepared for every possible situation so nothing catches me too off-guard! I am worried about everything you all mention and am giving this a lot of thought.

Thanks for the honest advice Lotus, it helps me to think about the possible negatives in order to be sure that I am okay with this possibly happening. Space and time would be a lot harder to get if BM just lost it to the point where she wouldn't want the skids at all or they wouldn't want to see her! At the moment, we (H and I) and the skids would just be going for a flip on the residential custody, but depending on how BM might react, it could go anywhere from there. We learned a long time ago to not try to predict her behavior. With almost no exceptions her response has always been a) crazy b) unexpected and c) crazy, so I would normally predict the worst. She is so weird about the skids that I can barely imagine her just giving up custody easily. I don't want full custody (with no break) for purely selfish reasons, I think I would lose my mind if we ALWAYS had the skids. If we do flip the custody, I will really need the times when BM has them and being able to have some nights w/out them.

Have any of you experienced a BM who was similar in that she was a horrible mom, but had her self-image completely tied up with "being a mom."? We are trying to figure out how BM might possibly react to a custody flip given that she is nuts and is a phenomenally horrible mother, but unlikely to let the skids "abandon" her (because that is how she would see it). When H left her, she didn't perceive it as him leaving her, she perceived it as him leaving "his family." She was so completely psycho about it and if she could have kidnapped H and forced him to live in her basement, she probably would have! She could not face him dumping her and did everything she could to stop him leaving. When that didn't work, she created a fantasy scenario in her head and refused to view the situation correctly. No matter what H did or said to be clear (and folks, he was blunt) about the fact that he was not breaking up with his children, but only with her, she refused to acknowledge the truth. He told her that his relationship with his kids is permanent and will never change and he will never abandon them or stop loving them. At the same time (and probably about 95 times since) he clarified that he was leaving HER, did not love HER. He started out being very kind and as compassionate as he could manage, but as she stubbornly maintained her fictitious view, he had to get really blunt and honest and it STILL didn't work! Conversationally whenever she is backed into a corner or is really angry, she brings up The Great Abandonment (as H and I now call it). We realized a long time ago that BM has severe abandonment issues and that this will most likely come into play with any future custody negotiations. When H left her, she went into severe denial/panic mode and tried a series of pathetic and sad attempts to deny/reject/alter the fact that she was being dumped. At first, she tried to get H to agree (without my consent of course) to just "date" me, spend evenings with me, and then go back to BMs house at night! She tried a few other insane tactics and when nothing worked, she went with simple denial of reality. She made up a fantasy version of their previous life together "as a family" and lashed into H constantly about how he was abandoning his kids/family etc... This was her constant refrain even though he was clear about leaving HER, not the kids, and she still says this to this day if given a chance. She has never been able to admit (to our knowledge, at least) that it was her and her alone that he broke up with. She tried to guilt trip him into staying with her by implying that he broke some vow or commitment made to her by breaking up with her. Despite her wishes, they were never married and H never led her on or committed to her in any way, official or unofficial. He got angry when she acted like he had cheated or broken a vow by leaving her, and she gave up on that to his face, but continues to bitch about it to others. We've tried to figure out why she would rather be a laughingstock and public joke by pretending that her fantasy life is real, than being willing to face hard truths and making a new and better life for herself, but I will never understand. H thinks she literally just can't handle facing the truth and just doesn't have even basic life coping skills, which makes sense. She has very good reason to have abandonment issues, given her past, but I wonder how far she is willing to go before she realizes that she needs to put her kids first? I honestly think that her own emotional issues come first for her and that she is absolutely nowhere near emotionally mature enough to do what is best for her kids, rather than what is easiest for her fragile ego. When the skids bring it up, she will not be thinking, "hmm, what would be the happiest and best situation for ---- and ----?", she will be thinking, "my kids don't love me and are leaving me too" and relate the whole thing back to herself. I can also see her thinking that we have somehow brainwashed them or forced them to say something they don't mean. I do know that when faced with upsetting information, BM will make up a version of it that most fits her crazy world view and then denies anything else. In wildly wishful thinking, I hope that she doesn't flip out of control and handles it better than she handled H leaving her. I am very concerned about an emotional meltdown affecting the skids, but I don't know what to do other than be prepared for every possibility?

Also, right now I am really happy with our current schedule because I get two extra days off a week and we also get extended time on the remaining days so that we actually have quality time with them without a big rush to get everything done and get them fed and squared away before they are carted off back to BM. I've gotten the break from them I needed (and a break from seeing BMs ugly face on my front porch) and our time with them is definitely more relaxed and fun. If the schedule just flips (without BM losing it completely) I will be really happy and I know H and the skids will be too, it's the other scenarios I am worried about... (BM losing it and/or having the skids all the time and having BM abandon them)

"The truth shall set you free." ~John 8:32