Random Thought about COD
So I have been watching this reality show and last night while watching an episode, I had a random thought. Do children of divorce who have been successfully alienated by BM, really never notice later in life that BF did not abandon them or any of these awful thoughts that BM has fed them?
I come from an intact family, there is one divorce in my extended family, and my friends growing up and even now to this day 95% of them also come from intact families. So when 3 people on this show said their dad abandoned them or got a new family, I thought to myself for the first time well I wonder if that is really what happened? Obviously there are dads that do these things, but before I would naively automatically be like wow that sucks, but now I am like hmmm.... is there more to this story?
Just a random thought I wanted to share
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A lot of times, not only has
A lot of times, not only has the BM alienated, but she makes her kids dependent on her, financially, emotionally, or both, so even if the kids do ever realize the truth, they won't do anything about it. They will not take the chance that BM will turn on THEM.
My SD is now 28 and was once very close to her dad. BM started the alienation young and it really took hold in the teenage years. She is now so dependent on her BM that she doesn't want to see the truth (and refuses to). I think that deep down, she does know but.....
It's really very sad.
That is very sad :(
Why are some of these birth parents so selfish and not at all thinking about the best interest of the children
I'm pretty sure BM over here
I'm pretty sure BM over here has Borderline Personality Disorder, so her only interest is herself.
We have a selfish BM that
We have a selfish BM that tries to poison SD into thinking DH is bad and "gives up" time with her all the time which isn't the case. What is even more frustrating is that BM constantly claims she is doing what is in the best interest of SD. She claims all of her alienation tactics are "in the best interest of SD". It is really disgusting.
At least the therapist that DH is seeing with SD is noticing this now as well...so BM will probably change therapists soon or just stop taking SD. Like the last time when she couldn't blame DH for the problems going on.
At this point I think it will
At this point I think it will take BM dying or SS going through what DH has gone through himself (getting divorced and being alienated from his child).
That is very unforunate
I feel bad for your DH and SS
I don't know... I think there
I don't know... I think there are plenty of men that let their new wife compartmentalize and marginalize children from a prior relationship.
My father, for example, his mother passed away. His father remarried and immediately all 4 boys (under the age of 10) were sent off to boarding school. Their father passed away shortly after my father graduated HS and when they came home for the funeral, their stepmother had changed the locks and had her lawyer draw up promisory notes for the boys to sign that they would repay her the cost of their boarding school educations. She of course, had a child from a prior relationship who wasn't shuttled off.. and she had another child with my grandfather.. who was not shuttled off either.
So.. you could well say my father was thrown over for the "new family".. in fact, his wife inherited the majority of a substantial estate and upon her passing.. a few years ago.. only her sons got any inheritance. So the majority of my grandfather's estate passed on to them.. not his other 4 sons.
So, does PAS exist? yes. But the quintisential "evil stepmother" also is out there too. And.. often the men allow the wife to run their homes.. and since they aren't used to raising children (their ex did it).. they kind of just go with that flow.
Oh sure, I am not saying
that it doesn't happen, I think all forms of it happen, PAS, "evil stepmother," even "dead beat dad." More of what I was getting at is coming from such a nuclear and intact family and my experience extends to friends too, I naively always just believed whatever side I heard, never considered how manipulation, etc. could give the children a blurred and incorrect perspective.
I think it's also the nature
I think it's also the nature of typical breakdown of roles in the home. Typically the woman does more of the homemaker duties and child raising duties. Father is disciplinarian and takes care of more of the home maintenance areas.
So.. when there is the split.. the kids are more likely left to spend more time with mom. Their father will often remarry and often has more children.. who will be in his home full time. That dynamic alone can make kids feel they have been marginalized.. whether the intent was there or not.
I'm a COD
I agree with ESMOD, there are weak people out there and there are the personality disordered/toxic people.
My dad particpated in what my BFF and I call event-based parenting. He was there for all the major days, but none of the minor stuff. He ran away from my BM to be with his now wife when I was 4. She was jealous and spiteful and didn't like having me around, since I was a remnant of that failed marriage. I've learned that Dad is just a weak, weak man who needs a woman/wife to tell him what to do. He's pathetic to me, as an adult, and I choose not to have a relationship with him. He's never met his grandaughter (now almost 14), etc. But there really wasn't any PAS going on, just I have no interest in him (like he had no interest in me as child).
I can definitely see that as something that happens as well
I think it is just not one particular way like some people think all step mothers are "evil" or all dad's are "dead beat," there are many many different factors and types of parents, but people who are just innocently naive from having zero experience/knowledge before being with my bf, are unaware of how intricate and different every situation is.
I am sorry about your dad, but at least it seems that since you are aware of his flaws that hopefully it hurts a little less because you know it was never about you, but about who he is.
All of the skids (including
All of the skids (including SD23, the mini BioHo) have come to realize that DH is still the same veritable ROCK he has always been and that BioHo is a freaking unpredictable psychotic volcano.
From the research I've done,
From the research I've done, it seems most alienated kids do still love the other parent, and the best way to show them they haven't been abandoned is to do your best to keep in touch with them through the years, even if it's just a card twice a year. Many do figure it out in their late 20s, IF they separate from the alienated parent and start thinking for themselves.
BM here is already hard on
BM here is already hard on the "dad left us and started a new family" business.....SD16 thinks BM is nuts....SD11 is buying into it and has been PAS'd. I think once SD16 graudates high school and moves out (well it would be shocking but I am hopeful) we will rarely ever see the younger skid.
My DH is a good dad.....but BM has and is trying so hard to PAS skid11 and I can see the relationshipg between SD11 and DH changing rapidly for the worse. They aren't close anymore....DH isn't affected by her emotions anymore.....he isn't affected that she doesn't come over much anymore.....I know he loves her but people can only take so much.....I can tell that he sees SD11 in a differentn light....like he doesn't buy her into her baby'ness, whining or helplessness like he did when we first got together.....she has almost become an afterthought in our home.......over the last year or so. But what else can he do??
edited to add:
I think SD11 will grow up and think that DH abandoned her and have no clue about the truth. BM will be encouraging these thoughts for the rest of her life. BM has made it clear she would and will never date or see a man again....so SD11 is her companion, her best friend, her confidant and BM has made SD11 feel like she has to support her emotionally.....the ONLY thing my DH stands a chance with in regards to SD11 is that BM is a raging fall down alcoholic......and we don't yet know how SD11 will feel about this as she continues to get older.........
Statically speaking
Since Ive been in the steplife I have always wondered what the stats are for this:
1. of separations and divorces that involve children, what are the numbers of male to female (or mother/father) where things ended due to infidelity.
2. Of the total splits from infidelity, how many result in alienation that was "justified" vs "unjustified
3. Of the splits total, what were the top 3 reasons
4. From the cases of blatant alientation, what were the top 3 causes.
I would so love to see these stats somewhere!!!