Feeling empty....
For anyone about to read this, I apologize in advance. This will not be an uplifting read, and I wouldn't blame you for not reading it - it's mostly venting about a seemingly hopeless situation. I suppose that if you choose to read this, you may share with me your similar feelings and experiences and provide a perspective on how to cope.
I am StepDad1991, an engineer, and a step parent of 30+ years. My 3 step children (adults now) are fine people. My wife and I married when they were early teenagers. I have no children of my own. I am not the most-outgoing person in the world (as demonstrated by the preceding introduction), and my wife is a talker, and likes to be heard (I suppose a bit narcissistic, one would say). I suspect that is partially why I have a superficial and mostly-non-existent relationship with my step children. She has this ongoing conversion about everything in our lives with them, so there's little need for them to get to know or have a conversation with me. At this point it's evident that they could care less what I think or feel. That doesn't necessarily make them bad human beings - the rest of the 7 billion people on the planet have nothing to say to me either. That combined with me not being a "real father" (imagine if I used the term "real kids" when talking about what they are not), my family passing away, and our moving several times (i.e., not staying put and developing a network of friends) has left me feeling a bit empty. I suppose this is a product of the personalities involved and the circumstances. For reference, their "real father" had very little to do with them after we were married, which appeared to make them glorify him, so I was the male parent in their lives, which the respect me for being. I expected that things would "feel" better as time progressed ("I'll feel better after 10, 15, 25 years"), but, unfortunately, time hasn't had the effect I hoped it would. I'm open to hearing anyone's perspective - good, bad, ugly. Thank you.
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What would you like to see happen?
What would your ideal situation be? I think you're correct that adult SKs are busy living their own lives, mine are. At least you don't have those problem adult SKs like so many on here do.
You are right....
Things can always be worse - much worse.
Thank you for your comment.
Feeling empty
Thats dang sad to read. We have one chance at life. Look for the positives and the good. I know easier said than done.
I am no longer a SP. But dang you hit the nail on the head about feeling empty in steplife. Like you I am bioless, so I get this part. You feel like the outsider, tolerated at best, being treated poorly and you are supposed to suck it up. Your life partner loves the bios on a level that all you get is crumbs? Thats how it was for me.
For you. Sir I dont know your complete story but here is some advice. Find whatever brings you joy, and when you do hold onto it, savor it, and do often. Being a SP in my experience sucked my joy away. Dont be me, do better.
Thank you....
I will try my best to find the good in life.
Thank you.
Bioless here, too.
Honestly step-parenting rarely brings fulfillment. If it brings peace then you're ahead of the game.
I think you probably need to look for fulfillment outside of step-parenting. That can be volunteering, hobbies, travel, whatever. All of which can help you form friendships which can also be fulfilling.
As JRI said, what do you want from step-life? Or marriage? Or life in general? That is what you need to do us in. As long as you SK's aren't causing trouble...you're good there.
Thank you....
You are, of course, dead-on with everything you've written. I travel quite a bit, which makes voluteering on a regular basis (so that I could form friendships) difficult, but I expect that to change in a few years. My philosphy is that to have a frend you need to be a friend, which has been difficult for me.
Thank you for taking the time to reply.
I have similar feelings when
I have similar feelings when it comes to my skids. I started off with the best of intentions and in many ways played a parenting role for them when they would come to our home. However, years of alienation from BM and both skids collecting grievances from our home to share with BM has pushed me away from them. I'm just "dad's wife". The sad thing is that BM's alienations has really distanced my DH from his kids as well. He knows very little about what goes on in their life with BM (he has them EOWE, so over 80% of their lives are completely unknown to him). They are okay kids, but they have a "chaotic" mother who is not above using them for a variety of things, so they don't share my values. I don't miss them when they don't come to our home and won't miss them when they are adults.
DH and I also moved out to the suburbs to be closer to skids and honestly, it was a big mistake. We have a nice home, but we have not found a community here. When I met DH, I had a lot of friends, a job I loved, and participated in a variety of activities. Now, I'm pretty isolated and had such a long commute that I barely had time for anything fun. Add in EOWE with semi-alienated stepkids and it was a recipe for disaster. We're now contemplating whether we can wait the two years until Skids graduate high school before we move or if we will need to move before then.
Steplife is hard. It can be easy to be isolated because stepparents often become the target for all the negative feelings society feels about divorce. Our very existence undermines the idea that the nuclear family is the center of the universe...even if we weren't the cause of the breakup of the nuclear family.
I was there, many times...
As I went through the experience, I would repeatedly try to put things into their proper perspective. Like I've said previously, I'm not the most outgoing person on the planet, and not one to just strike up a conversion randomly or start talking about myself (this is a gift their Mom seems to posess). So I would come to the realization that the relationship with them (or lack thereof) is mostly my fault - which I can certainly own. That ownership doesn't make me feel good, but at least I can reconcile my feelings and put them in (a not totally closed) box.
What really hurts is the family get togethers where I feel like a piece of the futurnature, where my wife is the center of the universe and I'm invisible. This happened daily when the skids were home (not their fault, of course). Since my wife has no one to perform for at home, this has mostly gone away until we have company.
Then, the adult skids talk about how they have all these colleages at work that love them. My thoughts are, if you were teenagers in their homes, they wouldn't be talking to you. Now, of course they've grown up a bit, but their personalities are still basically the same (which I get the pleasure of experiencing). My stepson said that "my father-in-law sees me as more of a son then his sons" - we'll, I guarrentee if you were the lazy, overweight teenager that sat in the basement feeding your face, you would have no relationship with him (because his kids were'nt overweight and lazy). Of course, throughout all the teenage years (which was when I came on the scene), I held my tongue so that I wouldn't, on a daily basis, be labled "that scumbag that mariied my mother". He also says things to me (as an adult) that he would never say to anyone outside our family because they wouldn't have anything to do with him (he's a 40 year old adult).
Now he still dutifully contacts/sees his BF, who chooses to have nothing to do with his children (which is beyoond me) - so I'm the standin grandfather, untill Dad decides to put himself in the picture (which is esentially what life was like while the skids were home).
If you've read this, thanks. It does help knowing I'm not alone (which I felt like for most of my marriage).
I think there are two
I think there are two separate issues here that have been mixed together or blamed on one another.
You sound depressed. Like, you should speak with your doctor about a possible chemical imbalance depressed. I don't know whether that depression caused you to make decisions you didn't like or if you made decisions that has caused the depression to get worse. Either way, though, you sound miserable and like you're in a hole. Been there, still there, and I hope therapy helps me crawl out. But what you're saying strikes a chord with me, and I know a big part of how I feel is tied back to my brain being wired not quite right.
That said, I think that part is separate from your step family/marriage issues. Plainly, it sounds like you married the wrong person for you, or you had expectations of what this marriage would bring that never manifested. Depression, uncertainty, anxiety, financial loss - whatever it is, something has kept you in a marriage and family that you seem to hate. I don't think it's the cause of what you're feeling (because what you feel, your inability to connect, feeling disconnected from things runs deeper than your family it seems), but I think what is going on in your brain is making it hard to recognize that your marriage is likely not the root cause of what you feel. Your marriage may not be bad, but it may also not be right for you and your mental health because of the dynamics involved, be it because of an extroverted/narc wife, adult SKs who never saw you as anything other than "their mom's husband", or just generally not meshing with the personalities that you married into.
I'm not a therapist, so I could be totally wrong. However, I resonate with what you say quite a bit, but not because I'm a stepparent. In my first marriage, I was miserable. I assumed that my marriage caused that. Over a decade later, I realize that it wasn't the marriage that CAUSED the problem, it just made it worse. My anxiety and depression (and maybe ADHD - we'll see what my new therapist says) were still there even after I left, albeit much less awful. I had to address the failure of my first marriage, and I have to address (continuously) my mental health. Fixing one didn't mean it would fix the other, even if both situation fed into the other.
Thank you....
I totally agree with you, the issue is with me. I suppose that's why I'm not ready (or didn't) divorce. No financial issues at all. Comittment was the reason.
I have been to a therapist for several years, and got prescribed anti-depressants. I stopped going (but not the antidepressants) because I was hearing the same tape being played over and over, and it wasn't helping.
Someone in a previous posting said something that resonated with me. If I wasn't married to their mother, would I choose to have a relationship with the skids are they are? The answer is no. They are OK, but not the types I would choose to be around (I expect they would say the same of me). So I need to get there in my head - these are people that I need to periodically interact with for some reason. If they were coworkers I wasn't particularly fond of, would I quit my job if all else was fine? Probably not, I would need to figure it out and come to terms with it.
Having someone like you listening to me helps, thank you for sharing your story.
Something that may help on
Something that may help on the SK front is realizing that they are really in-laws, especially since you didn't help raise them (even if you wanted or tried to; they were just older by the time you came around). They're no different than your mother-in-law, brother-in-law, cousin-in-law, etc. You chose your wife when you got married; her family is part of the "baggage/package", however you want to look at it. You're not required to love or even like your MIL, so you can take the same approach with the kids. Handle them like you would an in-law you're forced to interact with on occasion: with civility and hospitality.
Society has poor views on lots of different groups of people. Even if we fit the SP stereotype, it's usually not for the surface-level reason that people state, which is that we're "evil". The people who get to judge and have their opinion matter are those involved. Everyone else is just getting a glossed-over view of the situation. Anyone who comes at you from the outside with an opinion can be told to f**k right off.
Lt. Dad makes some good points
First, I agree that depression is an issue here.
Second, it's hard for us to accept that some people just aren't "our types". We all have a fantasy that (step)mother/child or (step)father/child relationships are mutually loving and close. The truth is as parents, we have to admit that an adult child has become a person with entirely different interests and/or an unattractive personality. I keep remembering the movie "Home for the Holidays" where Holly Hunter's sister ends up telling her if she weren't her sister, she wouldnt even look at her. So I agree with Lt. Dad's analogy of seeing your SKs like inlaws or co-workers.
You seem to have some expectations about your SKs. I can almost guarantee that they are busy living their own lives and seldom, if ever, give you a thought. I spent blood, sweat and tears raising my 3, too. They call their dad sometimes and if I answer, they say hi and chat but I'm certain I dont enter their thoughts otherwise. Sadly, I treated my own deceased SF the same. He raised me but we weren't very close and I seldom gave him a thought as an adult. Now that I'm on Steptalk, I think of him often but it is what it is, or was.
I agree with the suggestions that you cultivate other interests. Tell yourself you did your best with the SKs and move on. Don't expect anything from the SKs, then you won't be disappointed. Good luck Stepdad1991.
JRI and Lt. Dad, Thank you so much for your input....
...and for not holding back with your take on my situation. You are both straight on, and I really appreciate the candor.
I'm getting more out of our back-and-forth than I got out of my sessions. My therapist wasn't a stepparent, so any advice they could give was superficial, at best. The one before (many years before) would tell me to "think happy thoughts" (paraphasing here), which only served to annoy me.
Remember the movie Stepfather?
For some reason this conversation made me remember the movie Stepfather (I didn't see it). It was about, of course, a psycho stepfather stalking his stepchildren (murdering?, again I didn't see it).
Just what we needed as step parents, right?
WTF was in their heads when they decided to make this movie? What demographic were they trying to target - skids that already hate their steparents?
Just rambling. I guess I couldn't have this conversation with anyone else.
Evil Step parent roles
There are plenty out there. I also did not see it. Daddys Home was kind of sad and depressing too. So we are portrayed either as "evil", "mean" or "pathetic" because we grovel and apologise for our existence.
I too have no bios. I have 2 skids - SD22 Feral Forger and SD15.5 Backstabber/munchkin. FF is blocked on my phone because last September she made accusations, did some nasty name-calling and told me I am a horrible person and Im to blame for all her problems (like stealing and forging checks...Im at fault there).
I came into her life when she was 15. I doubt that I had any real effect on her life. She rarely contacts her father, lived with her mother, Toxic Troll for a while and wreaked havoc while there...read my blogs, you might find something there.
Backstabber/Munchkin, I really thought we had a good connection. I tried helping and coaching her, and all it did was give her mother more ammunition against me.
Dh, hes an extrovert, like your wife, and more of a people-pleaser than I am. Im outgoing, but at my advanced age (53) Ive found it difficult to find a good group of people to hang with. Ive got some friends to walk with. Ive got a LOT of folks that I know as acquaintances. People to party with. But I solo much of the time. I also got married later in life, so I dont have the history that you do. But I can tell you that it only changes if you change.
And it sounds like you are trying - reaching out here is a good start. Read and write things out. That will start you in a new directions. I would never say "think happy thoughts", but I do believe in the power of the mind. I do believe mental health is both biological and spiritual.
Ive been on here a really long time, but there are others that have put in much longer times. Youve been through a lot of the stepparenting adventures (lazy overweight kids - Ive got that) and this is a great place to share those. Sometimes the sharing helps, and even if your not asking for advice, its all here laid out pretty much.
We dont have to love the skids. Liking them isnt required. I do really like SD15.5 B/M - shes generally kind. But her consideration for me, well sometimes I feel like shes got more consideration and caring for an ant on the sidewalk. Her mother Toxic Troll gets all the love, and all the consideration. And shes not really a mother type, shes the BFF parent type. Ive done a lot for SD B/M, and now Ive been forced to disengage. I dont do any pickps drop offs, I dont do and help and pay. She has parents for that...
Welcome to steptalk, Stepdad1991 I look forward to reading more of your story.
Thanks CLove....
It's a long, convoluted story, with me changing jobs so as to change my life. I suppose I could have gotten divorced (my parents would have been delighted), but there was a committment I wasn't prepared to end. I suppose by moving I thought I could escape dealing with the skids, but that wasn't realistic. My wife having a relationship (phone, text, email, etc...) with these people that have little to do with me doesn't help.
It is what it is - that it the general theme I get from most, which of course is realistic.
I value the advice folks have provided on Steptalk. I wish I was online years ago.
Oh-one other thing...
The lazy, overweight skid (now an adult) - in front of his wife he braggs about how industrious a teenager he was - cooking, lawnwork - JESUS CHRIST ALMIGHTY. I must have been in a coma the 10 years I lived with him.
I keep my mouth shut, like a good piece of furniture.
LOL
That cracked me up! Yeah, both my skids are lazy. But I doubt they would lie about it like that. No, laziness is something they brag about, its a funny little joke. DH and I agreed that SD5.5 B/M will be getting a job when she turns 6, this year...and gets a summer job. She really thinks that she will have the summer off to be on the phone all day to her friend Kansas City.
I know this because when she told me she was getting a job soon and II asked "oh summer job? Thats great" she said "no just after school for a few hours..."
LOL.
SD22 FF spent all last year not working and living off the mother. And fighting with her. And calling her sister names. No love there, she moved a few hundred miles away. Hopefully for good this time.
Hello
I'm also an engineer and introverted. Introverted and shy are not the same thing. My DH is an extrovert and we're both friendly people, if anything I have better social skills than he does, but far less drama tolerance, and I certainly need my solitude time to recharge. I don't need people like he does, so if I have to choose alone time vs being around people I dislike, I prefer alone time.
Being isolated the past two years due to covid has given me social anxiety I didn't have before. Politics have also gotten really crazy and I've come to realize that some of the people I used to enjoy partying with have reprehensible moral values.
DH and I have been temporarily separated since October 2019. His daugher Killjoy is not my kind of person. I know it's not me, because I got along great with an SD I had in a previous relationship, and even Killjoy's grandparents don't like her. But really it didn't have to be anyone's fault, some people are just not compatible. And most kids are sh!ts as teenagers and grow out of it, and yet sometimes people do things that are unforgivable. My kids are nice to my DH when they see him, one of them even chats with him on the phone without me sometimes, the other two are busy living their own lives and don't chat with either of us that often. They were ambivalent when he came onto the scene, but I never tolerated nasty behavior and they grew to love him.
I'm done with sticking things out for anyone's sake, partly because I'm fed up, and partly because I'm too old for bullsh!t anymore. There are several people I now refuse to associate with for various reasons, and DH is becoming resentful of that. Yesterday he went to a superbowl party without me, with my blessing, but he was pissed I wouldn't go and said some things that hurt my feelings.
Yeah...I never understood....
...why narcs get upset when you don't need to go with them to events - it's not like your there, it's all about them anyway.