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Stepdad1985's picture

Hi everyone, so I am in desperate need of some much needed advice. So to start I am married to my wife and she has 4 kids from a previous relationship and 1 kid with myself. About 2 years ago we had her oldest son who is 19 about to be 20 move up with us to get away from the bad lifestyle he was involved in. For about the first 6 months I let him get adjusted to the move and new to him lifestyle. After that 6 month period I sat him down and had a talk about doing chores and getting back in school to either get his diploma or his ged and that was the original agreement before he came up that if he was gonna be with us he had to focus on school and helping out around the house with routine chores. Fast forward 2 years til now and its been a constant battle to get him to do chores and finish school and he will absolutely half ass anything he can just to get back in his room to play video games. Recently i was fed up after asking for something to be done for 3 weeks and gave him a decent list of outisde chores to do which he did not like. His idea of lashing out was to hack in to someones email and blackmail this person for money. Now why he did this I have no idea. The issue i am having is now it seems like i have to walk on eggshells with him and worried that if i tell him to do chores he may resort to the same thing. His mother is constantly defending his actions and says that he had it hard growing up which to me is complete BS. Personally I wanna kick him out due to the fact I told him very clearly that I wouldnt tolerate that crap but again my wife wants to defend him and justify what he does cuz of his upbringing. I am beyond stessed right now cuz this is putting constant stress on our marriage and I dont know how much more i can deal with... on a side note she does this with all her kids. She undermines what I say and I feel as if i am not even respected in my own home that I worked my butt off to buy about 2 years ago. Any tips would be greatly appreciated cuz i dont know what to do

Comments

Survivingstephell's picture

Talk with a lawyer and find out your rights.  Knowledge is power.   
 

  You have a wife problem.  Will she do counseling with you? If not consider it for yourself.  Figure out why you are tolerating this from her.  She is using you financially.  

Rumplestiltskin's picture

Lol a hard childhood as an excuse for hacking emails and blackmailing people. This kid sounds like a bad guy. He needs to go. 

Harry's picture

I understand she loves her kids. But to let them become a housesitter going to effect his life, and the life if other people around him.   Get serious,, SS  is a housesitter, couch surfer,    or in other circles a loser.   See a lawer, see what your rights are where you live.   
'Your wife is putting her loser kid before you.  That major.  Hope your wife is working and her money is going to support your home and the big "L"

CLove's picture

You have a wife problem. Take some time to read around on this board - look at the adult skid forum. Its always going to come down to this fact: your wife is the issue. Try to think with your logic, rather than your heart. Is this realtionship acceptable to you? No? Are you willing to leave it? You might need to play the long game because you have a child together, but ultimately you should see a lawyer and find out what your rights are in your state. Im assuming youve already had a deep conversation about her parenting and your expectations.

There are some things you can do in the meantime. Here are some common suggestions:

1. Make life really uncomfortable for her and her kids. stop doing anything for them, only focus on your bio. Do not shop or cook or clean. Do not try to parent SS19 (Loser Boy). If he doesnt get a job or does get a job, you arent involved. Take away the games (you paid for them). Take away anything fun. Take away his car (you paid for that) since he has no job and does nothing to help, he certainly doesnt need a car that you are paying insurance on. All this applies to wife too. which leads me to number 2...

2. separate finances, if you havent already. Wife must work a full time job. Is the house in your name only or hers and yours? Thats a tough one, if both your names. If you dont have a separate bank account in your name only, get one on Monday.

3. Speaking of finances - start charging Looser Boy SS19soontobe20 rent and utilities. And if he cannot pay, wife must pay.

4. Make a chore chart for all kids. If chores are not done, then set up some repercussions.

5. Anytime wife undermines you, stand your ground. All children under your roof are to mind their manners, be respectful, do their chores, and generally be good citizens. She is to be a united team with you. If she doesnt step up and parent the minors, you will, and if she doesnt like it "oh well". Anytime she undermines you, just be strong.

6. Speaking of wife - you have talked to her about you two needing to be a united team? If not, you MUST, because shes not gotten the memo. You can put it in general terrms "listen, you know I love your kids and you know I have their best interests at my heart. Their best interests are for US to be strong TOGETHER. WE need to be united. TOGETHER, we must parent these children, so they can grow into strong, independent, happy adults. Thats not happening with SS, you are holding him back from attaining his true potential. Lets work out a plan TOGETHER..."

Or something like that.

Good luck. And dont forget to consult with a lawyer for the plan B - escape from loser boy island and enabling momma mountain.

shamds's picture

All day with no water or food. If thirsty they drank from garden hose. This was because they refused to do chores and when him and his wife came home from work, that ss was forced to do a whole day of chores in the evening whilst everyone slept and not disturb their sleep. Pretty sure this happened once and his ss never did this again.

your wife saying kid had a hard life is a copout!! She has parented poorly and expects you to deal with it. You need to sit your wife down with a firm ultimatum!! There are no buts and she will enforce them with consequences!!

Rags's picture

That is pretty much how it went. 

SS-31 graduated HS at 17. It was a struggle but he did graduate with honors. Just before his mom disposed of his body. Joking of course.

He was not ready for University and did not want to work.  We kept him on the mom and dad payroll until he turned 18 at the end of that summer. Then he was our beck and call chore boy.  He had a full work day of chores M-F and did all of the cooking and clean up on the weekends as well.  If he got the list done during work time M-F he got to stay in the house and do it again the next day. If not, he was on the curb the next morning when his mom and I left for work. He did not have a key to the house.

When we got home, he had to finish what he did not get done the prior day, and everything on the list for the day he spent on the curb, and he had to cook, serve dinner, and clean up.  He tested us twice.  So, he spent the entire day on the curb only twice.

After 4.5mos he enlisted in the USAF.  He figured that if he was going to have to work his ass off every day he might as well get paid rather than just a roof over his head and food to eat.

He has been in the USAF for nearly 13 years and will be eligible for full retirement in a bit more than 7yrs.  His mom and I are very proud of him.

But... it took some creative tactics to create the burning platform that motivated him to launch into adulthood.

My DW and I always agreed that our job as parents was to create a viable adult out of any children in our marriage. As it turned out, SS-31 is an only child in our marriage and is the eldest of 4 all out of wedlock Spermidiot spawned half sibs by three different baby mamas. On the shallow and polluted end of his gene pool Spermidiot spawn #2 is on the dole, #3 is in prison, and #4 is not far behind the inmate.  The SpermClan coddled the three they raised and they are shit, just like the Spermidiot.

DW and I raised SS with standards of behavior and standards of performance.

Being our beck and call chore boy was the motivator that worked ot get him to step into adulthood.