Hi, introduction and queries.
Hi, I'm new here and thought I'd try and get a few opinions on issues I'm having in my marriage with my stepson. I've been in my current relationship for 3 years and married for a year. My SS is currently 12yrs old and causing quite a few problems in our relationship. It's nothing that threatens our relationship but a lot of minor things that make life hard and awkward most of the time.
I'll start by informing you that my Wife was a very young mother, she had her son at 15 and did a fantastic job at bringing him up mostly on her own but also with some help from her parents and sister. The father has never been on the scene, in fact my SS has never seen him at all. I was the first serious relationship my Wife has really had, so for 12 years the only father figure my SS has had is his grandfather.
Everything was great when we first got together, he looked up to me and thought I was cool and we got on great. He tried pushing his luck a few times but I'd leave my wife to deal with him and I'd back her up if he didn't listen to her. Rapidly things have got worse and my wife has gradually stepped back out of the main disciplinarian role and seemed to just back me up when he wouldn't listen.
He constantly has a very negative and angry attitude when my wife and I are together, this causes a lot of bad feelings amongst the house. When I take him fishing we get on great and he is really well behaved and is the same when he is alone with my wife.
He seems to try and play me and my wife off of each other constantly. This makes me resent him most of the time and also makes it hard to bond with him and have any form of conversation with him. He does lots of things irritating things that I constantly have to ask him to quit doing (making annoying sounds whilst watching t.v, walking down the stairs whilst running his hands down the paintwork, playing music on his mobile whilst i'm watching t.v) I'm sure he does these things on purpose then gets in a mood when I ask him to stop.
He also seems to be weirdly jealous of my Wife's and my relationship. If we are walking and holding hands he will slow down and get stroppy and say that we wouldn't notice if he got lost. My wife spends private time with him and even has cuddles with him in his bed before she tucks him in every night so I really don't think it's a case of him not getting enough attention. Also on a late night train journey the other night he laid across her lap whilst she sort of 'swaddled' him off to sleep which kind of looked like she was breast feeding him. I felt quite uncomfortable with this as firstly he is a few weeks from becoming a teenager and also because the train was quite full and people were looking.
He constantly tries interrupting us when we talk or are doing things to divert the attention to him and seems to misbehave or be disruptive to also gain attention.
Is this type of behaviour common in 12 year olds? Also, am I justified in being concerned about his childish/clingy behaviour. Any tips or advice would be greatly appreciated as I feel frustrated and unsure what route to take in dealing with the young lad.
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Comments
Sounds like he is trying to
Sounds like he is trying to be a "mini-husband". He is jealous of you when you get attention from your wife.
A lot of step moms (myself included) have this same problem with our step daughters. My only advice is to remind him of the family roles. Mom is the Mom of the family, You are the Dad of the family, and he is the kid. Mom and Dad are a couple. They have private conversations, they sit closely to one another, they have alone time.
Basically, you have to squish him out of the "little hubby" role. Leave emotion out of it, just be matter-of-fact when you state the rules. "12 year old boys do not sit in Mommy's laps" or "It is rude to play music when someone is watching tv." After a warning, there is a consequence for their action. It is given without anger or emotion.
The way my Mom put it to me was this: "She is trying to get your goat, and you are letting her know where it's parked." You have to be firm, consistent and emotionless when dealing with these sneaky little creatures.
You could be right, When I
You could be right, When I work nights he quite often takes my place next to her in bed then vacates the space when I get in from work. I've expressed my concern to my wife about this a few times as I feel he is too old now to sleep with her yet she just plays it down.
Yep, 12 yr old has no
Yep, 12 yr old has no business "filling in your spot in the bed". I would make that a 100% firm no negotiating expectation with your wife, along with the faux breastfeeding coddling. It is inappropriate, and if she balks, just tell her it is something that bothers you and is a major disrupting factor in your ability to relate to and bond with her son as well as your overall comfort level in the home and you ask that she respect and enforce this.
I'll admit he does get my
I'll admit he does get my back up a lot. I try to let things slide but then a catalogue of these things build up inside and I end up snapping at him for something that may seem slight. I've never given him a slap (as much as I would love to, it never did me any harm when I was a kid) but instead usually confiscate his mobile phone, and ground him for a couple of days at a time. He has 2 chores a day to do (cleaning up his dogs mess in the garden and drying the dishes) does this seem fair for a 12 year old boy?
My mother was a tyrant when I was a kid and hit me with bits of wood and made me and my sister clean the whole house whilst she sat on her arse. I find it hard to judge if i'm going too easy or too hard on him. But ultimately it usually takes grounding him for a week whilst doing one extra chore a day to get him to back down with the attitude and finally apologise.
I'd like to take absolutely everything off of him whilst he is grounded, e.g. Video games, t.v, iPod, etc But my wife says that we should let him keep something so that if he keeps being naughty then we can take that as well. To me this just seems like a pretty easy ride as he ends up just staying in his room playing games, avoiding any contact. Whilst I enjoy the peace I just don't think he is learning his lesson.
What we did was make a
What we did was make a behavioral contract. It stated what the rules of the house are, and what the consequences for breaking those rules would be. Chores are assigned, and if they are not done, a consequence is issued.
Consequences are;
1, warning,
2, loss of tv/computer/phone for one day,
3, loss of tv/computer/phone and spending the day in your room
4, same for 3 days.
Of course, when we did this we had 5 teenage girls in the home, it was a hormonal hurricane!
Another steptalker used to say that when a big ole kid was acting baby like with their birthparent it works if you start baby talking...." Ohhh look at the wiiddle baby, cuddling with his mommy!!!! Let me take a picture of the babayyyyyyy and mommy.....and show it to everyone!!! " Shows both parent and kid just how absurd it is.
I like the sound of this
I like the sound of this contract. I'll have to draw one up on my next day off and get it up on the wall as a reminder.
My SD12 has been moody,
My SD12 has been moody, whiny, testy, even snotty and says "you never loved me" and "no one would care if I disappeared" and "no one would care if I kill myself". It's all attention seeking, pure drama. He wants you both to fawn over him, rather than holding each others hands or talking or whatever. It's a really awkward age to boot, along with 11-14 yr olds having "tween dementia", they seem to forget every thing and I have to tell her to shower WITH SOAP and wash her face (or she wont wash her face in the shower!!) and if I do not tell her to brush teeth, she will "forget" and will go all weekend without doing it.
Ugh.
Good luck!
Yeah this is a big bug bear
Yeah this is a big bug bear of mine as well. He has 2 chores to do and I try to get him into a routine of doing them as soon as he gets in from school so that as soon as he steps through the door he knows he's to complete his chores, homework then the rest of the evening is free to do as he wishes. Do you think he can keep this routine up? Hell no! If I forgot to clock in each time I went into work, I wouldn't get paid, so why can't this kid understand that to avoid getting told off just to get the chores done and everything will be great?!
He also tries getting away without brushing his teeth, I asked him the other night if he had brushed them, I said "you couldn't have as the tap didn't even get turned on", He replied with "I know, I haven't done them, I was testing you to see if you noticed" WTF?!?!