What a weekend !
It seems like every weekend lately is filled with stress, Friday was D-day, so to speak, at least for SS. It was 30 days from his last drug test and time to do another one, the ultimatum was either it's clean or you need to find another place to live.
I asked my wife if she had picked up the test on friday when I got home from work and she hadn't. Ok , no big deal, I picked one up from CVS on my way up to get SS his new bed. Brought it home and put it on the kitchen counter. We decided to go out to dinner Friday night, took SS, my son, and a friend of his along. All the while she was very quiet and moody, when I would ask what was wrong she would say nothing.
We got home from dinner and I grabbed the test off the counter and said ok, lets get this done. She got pissed off and wanted to know why I was in such a hurry?, I told her that it was 30 days since the last one, it was time to do another one, that both her and SS know what the consequences would be if he didn't test clean, it has been his choice for the last 30 days to either stay clean or not. His choice, his responsibility. So anyway after all the arguing was done, he took the test and tested NEGATIVE !, I was a little surprised and actually so was he. That however didn't change the stress between my wife and I. She continued to be angry and cold to me all weekend because she said that I wanted to get the test done just so I could throw him out the door.I responded by telling her that I wanted the test done on friday so that he knew I was not joking, that I was serious about it and that when I said it was going to be done I meant it. She told me she was packing her bags and leaving twice over the weekend and I calmly told her that if that is what she wanted that I wouldn't stop her, but I was not bending on this, if he tests positive he will be asked to leave, no more chances , no more comprimises.
At one point over the weekend I found out what I think it was all about, he had confessed to her that he had smoked MJ about a week after his last test, and I think she was acting this way because she knew this and figured that he would test positive.
Anyway, once again after a long cold weekend we have talked and talked and talked some more. She says she understands that he has to start acting like an adult and that he needs to stay off the drugs, that he needs to have consequences for his actions and that by telling him that he will be thrown out if he tests hot we are only helping him. She says all this and then says but he is my son and I love him. So now I have told both him and her that since he has tested neg, instead of testing every 30 days he will be tested randomly, maybe every two weeks. They both acknowledge that they understood and accept that but I am wondering what the reaction will be when I do?
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Stand firm!
Because if the testing helps keep him off the drugs, then you're doing way more for him than his mother is doing. You are also doing something for your little guy, who doesn't deserve to grow up in a home with an older sibling using drugs. Sometimes parents have to play good cop/bad cop and while it's not fun to always be the bad cop, I hope that someday your stepson will straighten himself out and that your wife will appreciate your part in making that happen. Even though you might appear to be the bad guy in this situation, you know you are doing the right thing and you don't need me or anyone else to tell you that. As a mom, it's hard. When we look at our children, we don't see who they are today right off. For a nanosecond, we see them as the tiny little babies that we gave birth to. It's hard. She doesn't seem to be capable of doing the tough love thing with him and that has to be frustrating to her. Intellectually, she knows you are right. But emotionally it's hard to be the heavy, even when you know it's for the kid's own good. Maybe you should keep a couple of spare drug tests on hand and pop a couple of surprise tests when you feel sure that he's NOT using. Having a few successes under his belt could go a long way towards giving him the esteem he needs to straighten up. And if you clue your wife in on what you are doing, she might then see you more as a good guy trying to help her son than a bad guy trying to throw him out. Good luck and keep us posted!
~ Anne ~
ABSOLUTELY Stand Firm! I agree!
I might also like to add to Anne's post, because I absolutely feel the same way...
But each and every time he does come up clean, make absolutely all efforts to 'congratulate' him, reward him, acknowledge him for it in some manner, may it be a small step towards a bigger goal, or what ever. It will keep encouraging him to do the right thing, and without him even knowing it, you are in essence 're-training' him to do what's right, and act responsible.
I totally think that random testing is a way to go myself, since it's easy for kids to try to 'trick the system' when they KNOW when and for how long they need to be 'clean' for a test. So, I think that random is a smart thing. The other thing is make sure that mom doesn't fall under a manipulative spell and take the test for him, sort of thing, or anyone else for that matter. As long as you are diffidently in control of the testing, results will be true and accurate. Make sure that you don't just put the test out there, and go off, expecting him to do it, because then how can you be certain that it was him? So, I think it was a great way to handle it the way you have. Hats off to you! That is the toughest thing to have to go through, and I think in the long run, it will pay off.
Things will certainly get worse, a trust issue will most likely occur because of the tests, but always stand your ground no matter what. Once you 'cave in' just once, it's starts all over again. Your wife will have issues with this, but she has to learn that this is in the best interest for EVERYONE. Including her.
We're all pulling for you. Great job. Keep us posted.