Valentine's Day gift for Deadbeat mom!
This morning before I took the kids to school, SD11 asked me for $3 so she could buy her mom some chocolates for Valentine's Day. Umm what? How about if you want to buy someone a gift, buy something for your Dad who is out there busting his butt in 20 degree weather to make sure you have a roof over your head, food in your belly, and gymnastics and trampoline classes every week? SD11 doesn't even fully realize that her mom skipped town because her mom keeps telling her fifty different stories. Her mom is in arrears by thousands, missed her last cs payment just yesterday, moved 9 hours aways and is playing so many games behind the scenes it's not even funny.
On some level, I understand (but don't like)how and why they're ungrateful and rude towards me, but their Dad? Why is he always thought of second or not at all? There are so many kids that don't have a father in their life and this man has been there every day since day one. But these kids will go all out for a mother's day gift for a woman who wasn't even here and give their Dad jack squat for Father's day.
I am disgusted. But I also am not three dollars short this morning.
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You're probably right...but
You're probably right...but I'm tired. I'm tired of reminding these kids not to forget about their Dad. I sound like a broken record. And it's hard for me to consider it thoughtful...when their Dad is the one working all day and then coming home in the evening to spend an hour and a half Monday through Thursday taking them to karate, gymnastics, and trampoline. I see how tired and stretched he is and I just wished they just thought of him sometimes.
I agree 100% with Doncon.
I agree 100% with Doncon.
I would have given the 3.00
I would have given the 3.00 dollars even though I hate BM. But, then I am a real softie when they try to do something for someone...These kids don't think of anyone. I did have to handle Father's Day, because they never would think of it, so I manipulated that one as well. I am amazed since BM is such a bad parent, that they think of her at all. But, she is "MOM". This year DH had to force SS to buy me something for Christmas.
What did they say when you said no?
I just said that I didn't
I just said that I didn't have $3.00 on me. And she repeated that she really needed $3.00. I'm wondering why she just didn't ask her Dad before he left or asked him last night.
One thing these kids have taught me....is to appreciate your parents. Both of them.
I also agree w/doncon. Kids
I also agree w/doncon. Kids tend to make fairy tales of the absent parent-and it's a normal thing to occurr. They already know they can count on dad, he's their rock, he provides...even my own kids take that for granted. PARENTING is a thankless job, for ANY parent-step, bio, etc.
I think the thoughtfulness should be considered and I wouldn't have denied it at all. I think the $3 and a hey-maybe we can go get dad a card also reminder?
They know they can count on dad already-and the whole "not have to buy their love" thing. Trying to get in the head of a child who has been abandoned or neglected by an absentee parent is NOT something easily understood. We could if we wanted to though. The pain is very real-there reaction to it may seem baffling but it is not uncommon.
They still love their parents, miss them, wish things were different, want to bribe their love and presence back in their lives-it's biology/nature to do that. I think denying the $3 was completely the wrong thing to do.
It's thinking about you and your dh-the adults instead of considering the child in this situation at all-it's not about the bm...but as adults we should behave above this IMO
The wrong thing? Wrong? I
The wrong thing? Wrong? I don't think it's wrong for me not to part with money out of my wallet. It could be inconsiderate and mean...but wrong? I don't agree. After all, I'm not obligated to give them money, am I?
I do admit that I did think of FDH before I thought of SD. There are lots of times that I will "defend" his honor because I am the one who sees him hurt. I do this a lot because I see the way the kids' actions hurt his feelings. My main concern and priority in the household is FDH and that's how it will always be. They have two parents, I'm not the third. It took me some years to realize that, but I do now.
But I understand what you're saying. Maybe next time I will take the higher ground.
Maux! Wow! You actually
Maux! Wow! You actually brought up something that I figured had been long forgotten...
" Making" gifts and cards! :O
That's what we used to do as my BD did too! I think that most think that "made" gifts are crap today though? I don't get that. I takes time and love to make something for another as a gift. Not just using your damn credit card or cash quickly. (I must be starting to get old.)
@ Crayon- LOL I wasn't
@ Crayon- LOL I wasn't talking about handmade gifts used for bribery.
After the Father's Day
After the Father's Day Debacle of 2009 where their lack of acknowledgement of their father brought tears to my eyes, I told them last year that they didn't need to buy him anything (they wanted me to take them to the mall), I told them that he would appreciate it even more if they worked together on a card or even made him breakfast vs just buying (or me) buying him something. And that's what they ended up doing and he loved it.
not WRONG at all!! i am
not WRONG at all!! i am quite certain i would not give skids MY money to buy something for bm. that's NUTS!
I am actually most disgusted
I am actually most disgusted with the schools. The way these schools go on during Mother's Day is ridiculous....Father's Day rarely registers on the radar. Way to reinforce that fathers don't matter!
Depends on the schoo I
Depends on the schoo I guess...our school is very equal..they also have doughnuts w/dad (to which my BF attended as their dad couldn't be bothered)...and muffins with mom...they do the same for mom/dad on those special days, etc...
BUT-I mean think about it...even Valentines is more 'woman' centered.
Here's what's so crazy...the
Here's what's so crazy...the attendance rate for dads was 50pct higher then for the moms OR MORE..now THAT was a real shock but in a good way!!! I was proud of our county and school
Maybe that has to do w/huge unemployment rates right now also though lol...
I'm sorry...I'm talking about
I'm sorry...I'm talking about their after-school program...they attend it year-round (after-school during the school year and as summer camp during the summer! LOL!
That just reminded me....One
That just reminded me....One year on Father's Day, the choir teacher at their after-school program scheduled a trip for HER to take the kids to the movies and out to eat that required them to be away all day. I couldn't believe it! I thought that was just unbelievably disrespectful.
SS8 is pretty smart and has
SS8 is pretty smart and has caught on to his Dad being a little cheap....but he seems to think I am loaded. I AM a little flattered....but he seriously thinks I am a walking ATM. I have no idea where he got that impression from, but he'll come to me for money before his Dad. It's weird...lol
Kids learn that even in
Kids learn that even in intact families-you always have the cheap one and the more generous one-so yes that's most likely why she came to you.
We had a similar experience
We had a similar experience with BM taking kid to the movies and he had $40 but came home with $3. So, now, BF has explained to him that he is going to learn what direct deposit is. I'm not looking forward to the day when the rose-colored glasses come off kid's face and he has to deal with the reality that is BM.
"DH is the good parent, she
"DH is the good parent, she is a lousy one, but she gets all of the attention. Frankly, DH admits he raised them that way"
I don't know...I honestly think it's a common reaction for kids to have w/the absent or crap parent....particularly with moms.
Our therapist says the SD is
Our therapist says the SD is trying to protect her mom...it's almost a defense mechanism. I can understand it, I just wish it didn't happen and I wish that SD wouldn't constantly throw things in FDH's face. When she's with her mom, she will call FDH during the middle of their activity to tell him what they're doing. Not to say hi, but to tell him what they're doing. If they're not doing anything, he doesn't hear from her. When he would pick them up after school when they returned from their mom's, she would hop in the car and immediately go down a list of everything her mom and her mom's gf did or bought for them over the weekend. When he would tell me about it later, I could see it bothered the crap out of him that she feels the need to keep doing this. He doesn't tell the kids all the dangerous and irresponsible things their mother does, so I'm not sure why she feels the need to prove something to her Dad. I'm just glad I'm at work when this stuff goes on.
I understand where overit is coming from. But it's just not that simple. These kids are doing this for a reason, because they are hurt. But just because you know the reason WHY, it doesn't erase the hurt they can inflict on their parent. Just because someone is an adult doesn't mean that can just automatically push aside emotions, especially when it comes to their kids.
YEP. This is exactly it.
YEP. This is exactly it. EXACTLY.
I wish I had it in me to rise above all this...all the time. But I don't. At least next time, I'll try and think about it a little bit harder.
You know, every Christmas
You know, every Christmas So's kids want to get the BM something and each year he does. This year they got her something and then the BM told SD that she needed a new hairdryer for Christmas and to hint around to her dad. So "I" picked her up one and wrapped both gifts cause God forbid the kids did it. But yet, BM doesn't make the girls do anything for SO (she never has, but expects it on his end.) So...this year I think it's just going to "stop." They are old enough now and have their own money from like babysitting, birthdays, and etc. Maybe it's time to teach them about using their "own" money. I did attempt this Christmas that they could "earn" money if they helped me around the house with chores. That lasted all of 15 minutes.
I think if the kids are younger then I would totally suck it up and just do it. I think now that his kis are older and have money that they could help at least contribute or even just help around the house to earn the money. But then again it's always a oneway street.
My EX husband always makes sure the kids get me something for like my birthday and Christmas. Nothing huge...they are alot younger and in return I make sure they do for their dad also. But then again I have ALOT better relationship with my EX then SO has with BM. I don't mind doing it for my EX because he doesn't expect anything and he returns the gesture.
So I took the advice and
So I took the advice and picked up some craft stuff so my BKs can make a Vday card for their dad and Grandparents. I got alittle extra and dropped it over at SO's house telling them it would be nice if they could do something for their dad. The youngest one totally went for it, the other two said it was "STUPID." So I left enough stuff for his 7 year old daughter and took the rest with me.
I am glad I moved.
Just a side note: DH has not
Just a side note: DH has not recieved ONE thing from SD7 in the 2 years we have been together. Nada. (yes, have suggested drawings, cards, etc. and no go on those things for daddy.)
Now, I've seen things for her mom, of course and I never expected anything for me, of course.
I did not even have a "
I did not even have a " shrine" for my own kid. We had this thing called a " Lane cedar chest." * gasp *
Ladies...remember if you buy
Ladies...remember if you buy a card for your skid, or biokid to give to someone for any/all ocassions (grandparent, dad, mom, sibling, friend), you lack parenting skills and your kid is just plain lazy.
OR maybe that only applies to certain scenarios...hmmmmm, wonder.
Yikes. I made my mom a card
Yikes. I made my mom a card in 5th grade. Oops. But then again, my mom worked all the time and refused child support even and I never had the heart to ask her for anything. She did not really have it to give.
Guess that was wrong of mom to teach me to not ask for things all of the time (even older than 2nd grade) and to do things " only from the heart."
I had to do these things called "chores" to make money, even to spend on family.
Butterfly-I get it-but not
Butterfly-I get it-but not every parent chooses that route-I still think it's great to receive from the heart gifts...but those that chose differently-does not mean they refuse to parent and kids are lazy...it's a huge leap and assumption.
Some kids just don't like crafts...and are creative other ways-I know I was never good at crafts....but was very musically inclined. I don't know-it seems unfair to judge a kid/parenting on whether you make or buy a card honestly. I think it was simply said because of the scenario at hand.