OMG.. It just hit me. The reason DH bends over backwards for whatever BM wants is because he feels needed and like someone is
depending on him. I am not an dependent person and she is the TOTAL opposite, she cannot do ANYTHING by herself. She has to have SS17 to go with her to get her oil changed, okay... seriously?!? Oh yes, everything and of course, that gives her opportunity to call DH. And, since she constantly calls him (& I do mean on a daily basis) and he always jumps, this could be the only explanation.
Especially with the statement that he made to me which was: "I don't want to be a military wife." In other words, he does not want to be drug around feeling like he is depending on me and since I am the opposite of Darling EW who gets all his attention, that has to be it. He feels he needs to stay here to take care of her. Of course, he says it is all just for the kids, but he takes care of her as much if not more than the kids.
Of course, my response to his statement was: "That would have been real good information like 5 years ago when we got married, you remember the day we stood in the front yard of MY BASE HOUSING UNIT and said I do?!? Yeah, would have been good information then."
But, that has got to be it, because he swears he doesn't want a divorce, but come on, does he really think that we are going to move states away for 10 - 15 years and stay married? I won't even know him anymore by that time, heck, I don't feel like I know him now sometimes." Anybody got a better explanation? Because this is just driving me insane and I'm really hurting even though I don't want him to know that. How could he do this to me for a second time and make me choose between my career and feeding my kids and being here with him. It is soooo unfair.
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It's called codependence...
my husband is the knight in shining armor to his exwife... and she does everything she possibly can to need saving.
He gets as much fulfillment from their relationship as she does. It's called a codependent relationship. It has nothing to do with me, they laid this playing field long before me... and old habits are hard to break.
I try not to take it personally but it's hard and it's frustrating. Sometimes he's too busy being her hero to notice that I might need a little saving myself.
"For every ailment under the sun....There is a remedy, or there is none;
If there be one, try to find it; If there be none, never mind it." ~ W.W. Bartley
How in the WORLD do you live
How in the WORLD do you live like that?!
"You never realize how short a month is until you pay child support"
Youngwife2 - I have... It isn't making a difference, he says all
I'm seeing is how I'm feeling and that I'm not taking his feelings into account. He honestly doesn't see more than two feet in front of his face most of the time. He swears and swears it is just for the kids, that he has no attachment or attraction or interest in her, but he acts the opposite and when it comes to me, he shows no emotion anytime we talk about this and is quite frank in saying, he is not going to ask me to stay because he knows that he has nothing to offer me if I lose my civillian job.
I think it is just a mute point now and my heart is breaking because of it, but he doesn't see it and flat out says he will not leave here.
Yes, he knew the
Yes, he knew the possibilities when he married you that your military career could make you move. I'm sure he doesn't want to leave his kids, but he knew when he married you there would be that possibility.
I am so sorry
that you're having to go through that. It sounds so painful. I will say a special prayer for you and your husband.
Interestingly, I reached this same conclusion about 2 or 3 years ago. My husband is apt to tell me, "I need to feel needed." Ok, here's the problem with that...I'm a lawyer. He married a fairly successful, incredibly independent, domineering trial attorney. I love him, but do I need him....well, only for 3 things (hahaha, that's a joke).
So after many many arguments I told him. You are going to have to find your ego boost some other place. I love you. I am here because I want to be here, but I am not here because I need you. I also told him you should be thrilled that your wife isn't hanging on for financial support while secretly cheating on you and giving you every STD known to man and ape. I think that finally sunk into his incredibly thick skull.
My DH does everything with me in mind; so much so that it is suffocating. I don't think I would be flexible about my moving away. You and your husband married each other, and that unfortunately means the Skids lose a part of him. That has been hard for my husband, but we told all of our kids from day one...if we ever divorce, it will not be because of you all because we are putting our marriage first and above everything else. Now we still take care of the kids, those that stuck around. And we argue like cats and dogs about parenting styles or lack thereof (DH's case), but at the end of the day or sometimes week....we come back to the center and repeat....these kids will not be the reason we divorce.
Good luck with this heartbreaking situation. I will send up lots of prayers for you all.
Angeliabb
Angeliabb... I think in this case, though he would just turn it
all around and say we divorced because of military and me not wanting to stay here with him.
Which again, it is NOT. Let me explain for those who don't know my situation, I have three children of my own and only one of their dad's is financially responsible and that is only because the state made him be and I get a total of a whopping $330.00 a month from him and nothing for the other two children. Also, my husband and I do NOT share finances, because he pays a buttload of child support even though one of the kids lives with us. He does not take care of my children financially and I don't his. We also split the bills and the mortgage. I pay my own car payment and pay half of his car payment. We also sort of split the groceries, I pay more than him, just because I have three kids, so I kind of justify it to myself that way. SO, the problem is... that if I lose my civillian job that I have right now, (which is a possibility as the company is not doing well at all) then with the 330 from child support and 300 from Reserves, I won't even be able to keep my car and food on the table little words anything for the house or bills. So, I have to do this now before things get worse and I get to old to go back to Active duty. But, like I said... he is making me choose and this is the second time. The first time was when we got married and I got orders to California about 6 months after we married and he suddenly decided he wouldn't move. So, like the loyal wife I was trying to be and loving and supportive stepmom, I left active duty to come here with him because I thought we would be a family.
Turns out, it seems he never had any intentions of going anywhere with me ever..
He must make that leap of faith
my husband knows that my company is national and if I am offered a management position that is beneficial to the family financially and in all other ways, then we would move as a unit.
I don't know what to tell you. I wish I had some sage advice to give, but honestly I am sitting here thinking, I'd tell him to get his *ss in gear and start packing. But you know your situation and husband best.
IDK, SRS177, if my DH wasn't willing or able to care for my kids in face of my being unable to....that would probably be a deal breaker. We asked each other questions like...what if I become paralyzed and can't work, would you care for my kids as well as yours, etc. Those things were important to know. We also listed our respective kids as beneficiaries on our retirement plans, life insurance, etc.
So what I'm trying to say is that shouldn't he be willing to go the extra mile to work that extra job to help out with the finances to keep his blended family intact?
And if he's not, then what does that really say about the type of man he is.
I don't know. I'm confused and I'm rather obstinate too. So just take me with a grain of salt.
I hope things work out for the best.
EvilDiva
formerly angeliabb
SRS177
Who is going to look after the kds while you are active duty? If you ship out someone has got to be in charge of them.
Need
Don't you need him, don't the kids need him? Doesn't he need you? Was he confused about what being married means? I do understand about not wanting to move but he needs to offer some compromise I think.
If he won't I hate to say it but you should do what you need to do, for you and yours. I would not stay married and live far away for years.
I am so sorry you are having to go through this as it is not fair to you after doing more than your part all this time. But maybe God has something else in mind for you?
"A lie told often enough becomes the truth." - Vladimir Lenin