Frustrated
Well, this is my first time here and I'm not sure where to begin. I hate my ss with a passion. I also love his father still. I never thought I would say that about a child and I'm actually ashamed that I have these feelings. My ss lives with us the majority of the time because his mother is a self centred woman's who has no desire to parent. Now, I knew this going into this relationship but over the years her involvement has become less as she keeps moving farther away from where we live. My ss is a very young 12 who has no interest in anything except playing video games. He cannot be left alone for any amount of time because he freaks out saying that someone is knocking at the door etc. He even does this when we leave him with my 23 yr old daughter. My bf is a jellyfish parent who has a hard time with consistency and consequences for poor behaviour. He thinks just talking about things make them better. News flash!! It doesn't. I tell my BF that I don't want to parent but if something g that my ss does affects my house I will have a say. I think that is fair. Biggest pet peeve is that my ss thinks everything is up to him and revolves around him. He has no real friends because he annoys them and the don't stick around for very long. There is no balance when he is with us and he's going to his moms less and less. There is constant fighting between my bf and myself about his son. Now, I have 2 grown children and have never had problems like this. I find myself wishing that he would go live with his mom so I can have a break. I'm tired of him. Of course being home with him during the pandemic didn't help. His mother and father were still working and I was working from home so I had all the parenting duties which were fine by his parents. Of course now that school is back and I'm not "needed" anymore that has gone out the window. I feel used and unappreciated. I love my bf but I don't know how to make this work when everyday I feel more resentment and anger towards my ss. Looking for advice to help decide whether to stay or leave this relationship.
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Welcome to the site!
I see from your biog that you have been together 3 yrs. Unfortunately your bf has raised an anti-social wuss whom his peers dislike. Tbh I think your annoyance with them both will only get greater as the years go by. I suspect my solution in your position would be to move out and establish a separate base for myself, but maybe still see the bf for the time being, and hopefully the distance would help you decide whether you want to stay in this relationship or not.
I can sympathise with you as I had much older bio kids when I met my SDs - who were 5 and 7 at the time. My DH was a Disney Dad who, in my eyes, was nowhere near firm enough with them. However my position was made a bit easier as we only had the SDs every other weekend and some holidays. I don't think I could have coped with this situation full time.
It's common for people to
It's common for people to come on here hating their stepchild, when really their partner is the source of the problem. Your SS12 is only being who his father has raised him to be, so your BF and his "jellyfish parenting " (love that term) is the real problem that you have. It's easier to blame the kid than the person you love.
Welcome
I think like many of us you have a BF problem first and foremost. The SS issue is the symptom, not the disease.
There are a couple of things I'd recommend:
Most of us have been where you are so you'll get good advice. But it is worth reading some of the older blogs to get a view of how things can work out. It tends to go one of two ways. Either BF/DH steps up, parents and saves the relationship or the SM will leave.
I feel exactly as you do. I
I feel exactly as you do. I too have a SS (and SD) who haven't been parented or brought up with a sense of family being a team, values like consideration, respect for people and their property. My SO is a total control freak over them and honestly we will never have that life partner bond because of his choices and their behaviour. This site helps me massively. I'm just one human, I cannot change their past and although I would love to bring up my skids properly, with some tough love, it's not going to happen. I take care of myself and my happiness. I enjoy the good bits of life with SO. I detach totally from skids - they will turn out exactly as SO has raised them. Not my problem! No relationship is perfect but who knows if I'll be able to stand it for many more years.
Same I posted about my SS the
Same I posted about my SS the other day but today I realized I just don't like him period. He's a complete dill hole. He is rude says slick things under his breath constantly. I say goodmorning he completely ignores me. My husband has spoken to him several times about it but he just is the way he is. What he did to my son was just the icing on the cake. I'm really considering moving out.
Same boat
I'm in a very similar situation. My ss is 16 and I have been married to his BM for 7 years, we've been together 10 and in each other's lives for another year. So I've been around my ss since he was 5. Mom is, as you put it, a jellyfish (love the analogy- sums it up perfectly) with any consequences. I try to not step in unless it has something that directly affects me or my house, then I lay down the law. Perfect example, mom gets call from school yesterday that he missed a class. When asked, he said yes he didn't go to class and hung out with a friend. I really wouldn't care except he's failing all his classes and I mean all of them. And what does his mom do? Nothing. Not even talk about poor choices or what he did in that time frame- nothing. And then when he asked if he can go ride his skateboard, she say yes, he's gone for hours with knowledge of where he is. You text he doesn't respond, you call, he doesn't answer. Just willy nilly does whatever he wants. Never any consequences.
Sigh....