Hmmm that is a little hard to hear since we have been through so much but I value your opinion. We haven't seen him for over a year now where as before we had him every single weekend and more without fail until bm got shitty that ss3 started calling me mum. Bm took it to court to show us whose boss but we withdrew after being told by court appointed counsellor that if we want to keep seeing him we needed to do whatever she said. Bringing the law in here put her on a power trip and done more harm to the relationship. Dh and I both attended a course on helping kids in a separated household which showed us how damaging the legal process is to children. My own bios were fretting for their sbrother but they are also banned from contact. It has affected many many people outside of the immediate family causing unnecessary drama. So believe me the decision was not taken lightly. Dh pays cs and we have compiled a book to document all the nastiness we had to deal with, dh writes him letters and we celebrate his bday taking photos so all this is to show him we never forgot about him. And it most definitely isn't his fault his mum is difficult. He was a lovely happy boy who screamed blue murder whenever we returned him to his bm. We don't have the money or inclination to drag it through the courts and our 3 other children need us and we are able to freely parent them without conditions and that is where we have chosen to focus our energy. Thank you and I do appreciate your opinion.

No of course I would never walk away from my bk's, I take it that was meant to be rhetorical. My bios will always come first although I did love my ss but it would never be on the same level as my own. I couldn't sacrafice my own bios financial and mental wellbeing who I was responsible for 100% of the time for my ss who we had every weekend. Also I forgot to mention that dh family are still in contact with ss and his bm as it is just dh and I that she wishes to punish. But if she finds out that they give us information about him bm has threatened to cut them off too.
But I sense that some think we should fight to the bitter end regardless of who gets hurt along the way? Like innocent children who had no say in the situation? Maybe I got that wrong, that's what I love this site for, people able to see it through fresh eyes.

Thanks Cocoa I really was starting to second guess myself thinking we had got it all terribly wrong! I love all my kids, bio and ss. Ss is probably better off with us out of the picture for now because bm goes bonkers and brings the cray cray when we attempted contact in a mature manner. It had to be court, lawyers, counsellors, mediators the whole shibang. Since we withdrew and she has no drama to feed off she has calmed down and become a better mother. No doubt to document for the court but at least ss has a better bm out of it and when the time comes he will know his dad and his dads family have always loved him and never forgot him.

The co states that dh may have reasonable contact with ss as agreed upon by bm. It's basically the default setting if you don't contest it. We didn't contest it as the buildup was getting crazier and crazier. During pickups in this time where we went to her house she would shove him out the door then slam it. Drop offs she would storm out with the foulest look on her face, snatch him back and storm back inside. Absolutely bizarre behaviour. We had had him without fail every weekend for over a year (mutual agreement, no co)and sometimes more when it suited her. Like going to visit one of her boyfriends who lived 8 hours drive away. Shit hit the fan when we asked for ONE weekend off during a local holiday period. My bios were away so we thought we'd have some quality time away ourselves. Well she done a shitter because she had plans too saying dh is a crap father. Huh? Dh said ok no need for that, we just asked so don't worry we'll get him this weekend as usual. No no no she was pissed now and now she's not gonna make it easy for him. From there it was a sharp decline into the abyss.
The crap bm wanted; my children and I are not allowed on her property for pickup/drop off that includes being in the car, to ensure this dh should drive UP her driveway not reverse back into it so that she can see every person in the car, dh must come to the door personally to facilitate pickup/dropoff, dh must be on the actual minute as per co, if it says 5.30pm he must be there at that time not a minute earlier or later unless he has contacted her and she has agreed. Keeping in mind there was no problems whatsoever beforehand and that my bios looked forward to racing each other out of the car to be the first to get ss. These demands were the worst for us, there were some stupid ones like we were not allowed to cut his hair or remove his necklace, if dh couldn't make pickup she named others that could do it instead of me and my kids. We tried to compromise by saying lets make the pickup/dropoff neutral like the shop down the road or the nearby park. No her car has just broken down and if dh wants him he can come here and get him. The last time we had him/saw him we dropped him off and I sat in the car mainly to witness it so that she didn't make up more stories (which she did anyway). Dh calmly told her that this was getting out of hand and he thought the adversarial legal system was to blame (haha not her at all) and let's just be mature adults and discuss it face to face as we were withdrawing from the process. She said no you can't do that, my lawyer said you have to do what I say, I'm going to talk to my lawyer and NOT YOU!! That was over a year ago.

Would it make a bit more sense if I said that she wants dh back? I can't be sure but it sure points to it. He had gone to (her) bm1 then bm2 and back to bm1. Maybe she thought he would return to her after me as all she says now is that she wants dh only, no me no my bios, he needs to choose and he should choose her child since he came before us. She hates that dh is a father to my kids, that we have a family unit that doesn't include her and that ss loved being at our home.