A lot of the posts that I have read in the last five days or so, have been by stepparents who have been pushed beyond their limits and are filled with animosity towards their stepchildren and their significant others. The dominant theme has revolved around disengagement. Men and women who have suddenly realized that they care more about raising their stepchildren than their biological parents. Stepparents who are tired of watching their husbands and wives place children on pedestals, yet fail to launch these children successfully into society. Spouses who no longer respect one another.

I was looking at some journal entries I had made last year, and one that caught my eye was based on an article called "The Law Of Sowing and Reaping - Actions have consequences." I don't remember where I found the article, I just copied it and wrote my own thoughts in with the text during a particularly tumultuous time in my life. I thought I would share it here today, in case it proves to be useful to anyone else going through this type of situation. Since I first made this journal entry, I have grown by disengaging. It has been a difficult few months, but a successful few months.

The Law Of Sowing and Reaping - Actions have consequences. If someone in your life is sowing anger, selfishness, and abuse at you, are you setting boundaries against it? Or are they getting away with not reaping (or paying the consequences for) what he/she sowed?

- I require boundaries in order to protect my own mental health. That means that I need guidelines to be established from my own personal peace of mind.

The Law of Responsibility - We are responsible TO each other, not FOR each other. This law means that each person refuses to rescue or enable another's immature behavior.

- I am perfectly happy to seek out potential ways to help skids handle what they are facing. I am not at all happy to try and solve those problems for them. I am responsible only for my own feelings and for setting boundaries that are intended to make the house better for everyone who lives here.

The Law of Power - We have power over some things, we don't have power over others (including changing people). It is human nature to try to change and fix others so that we can be more comfortable. We can't change or fix anyone - but we do have the power to change our own life.

- There is nothing that I can personally do to make any difference in the choices that skids make. They are completely responsible for every single decision that they make. I am responsible for every decision that I make. There is nothing that I can do to change them in any way, shape or form. I can only change my view, or hold my view firm.

The Law of Respect - If we wish for others to respect our boundaries, we need to respect theirs. If someone in your life is a rager, you should not dictate to him/her all the reasons that they can't be angry. A person should have the freedom to to protest the things they don't like. But at the same time, we can honor our own boundary by telling them, "Your raging at me is not acceptable to me. If you continue to rage, I will have to remove myself from you."

- I can't tell my skids that they're not allowed to mope. I can't tell them they are not allowed to hide. But I can tell them that this behaviour frustrates me, and that I will walk away when they choose this behaviour. I deserve to live WITHOUT the frustration and anger, it is my right to walk away.

The Law of Motivation - We must be free to say "no" before we can wholeheartedly say "yes". One can not actually love another if he feels he doesn't have a choice not to. Pay attention to your motives.

- I do NOT currently feel that I can say no. This upsets and frustrates me. My motives are to create a peaceful environment for myself and others. I need the peace.

The Law of Evaluation - We need to evaluate the pain our boundaries cause others. Do our boundaries cause pain that leads to injury? Or do they cause pain that leads to growth?

- I believe my boundaries lead to growth. I need boundaries that:
1. Allow me to live in a home without "eggshells".
2. Allow me to live without emotional blackmail (you don't love me/I'll just leave, I'm unhappy/I'll cut myself, I know the rules/but dad won't enforce them, I know the rules/but if I ignore them long enough you'll give in)
3. As a homeowner and as a parent I have the right to set boundaries. It is my job, my responsibility, to set these boundaries. Unless my boundaries are found to be unreasonable, then they must be upheld and enforced. In a business, an employee does not get to pick and choose which boundaries or rules will be followed. They cannot pick and choose which ones will apply to them. This creates chaos in businesses, as well as in households. The employee, or the child, DOES have the ability to choose whether or not to remain in the business or the household. That is their choice.

The Law of Proactivity - We take action to solve problems based on our values, wants, and needs. Proactive people keep their freedom and they disagree and confront issues but are able to do so without getting caught up in an emotional storm. This law has to do with taking action based on deliberate, thought-out values versus emotional reactions.

- When I think about my values, they really are very simple. I demand not to be faced with emotional blackmail. I demand respect in my own home. That is not to be confused with demanding to get my own way. They're very, very different things. I am worthy of living in a house without emotional blackmail and I am worthy of living in a home where I will be respected. What do those things look like? For me, that is a mutual respect when expressing emotions, and how to speak to one another and participate with one another. It means using your words when you disagree, and not internally raging or moping away. It means not being treated differently than you would treat your boss or your teacher. It means being shown the same respect you would show to a stranger. It means showing the same face you would show to a stranger to me - don't leave the crappy attitude for those of us in the house to have to deal with but then turn on the charm for everyone else.

The Law of Activity - We need to take the initiative to solve our problems rather than being passive. In a dysfunctional relationship, sometimes one person is active and the other is passive. When this occurs, the active person will dominate the passive one. The passive person may be too intimidated by the active one to say no. This law has to do with taking initiative rather than being passive and waiting for someone else to make the first move.

- This is a tough one for me, because I feel like I am the dominant one. But at the same time I feel like, in taking into account the needs and wants of the passive person , I am losing out on my own needs. In fact, if I were completely honest with myself, I would say that I feel I am being manipulated by the passive person, into lowering my needs, pushing my needs back, in order to keep the peace and make things easier for the passive person. Wow, just saying that out loud, really makes me see that this really is a problem for me.

The Law of Exposure - We need to communicate our boundaries. A boundary that is not communicated is a boundary that is not working. We need to make clear what we do or do not want, and what we will or will not tolerate. We need to also make clear that every boundary violation has a consequence. A boundary without a consequence is nagging.

- "A boundary without a consequence is nagging." Well that certainly is the absolute truth.