I hold some sort of resentment for DH's stupidity in knocking BM up. We dated for seven years before SD was in our lives. BM found out we moved in together and took him to court...then he finally got official visitation. I never thought it would happen...but it did, by then, I was already too emotionally involved to leave. Yes, your marriage can work. Eew, I can't even imagine DH loving BM, ugh. They were high school boyfriend/girlfriend; together for three years. UCK. I don't know how to help, but you're not alone in these feelings...I myself don't know how to let go of the resentment for him having a kid before he met me. Sometimes I attribute it to thinking that every man is a loser at one point in his life or another...and those years with BM, that was his losing streak...but what good has that done...not much. I'm interested to see what others have done/thought who have overcome this thinking.

Do you think you could be grieving?

Anger is a normal stage of grief.

You could be grieving the loss of you and DM having a 'first for both of you' baby. Grieving that BM will have already experienced some things with BM while it is new for you.

Allow yourself your grief for as long as it takes and see a counsellor if you need to.

When you do have a child with DH it will be his FIRST child with YOU. It will be a different experience for him. Special and unique to the two of you.

In my world we don't hold it against someone if it happened before the marriage. If it was before me how can I hold a grudge? Yes, you can get beyond this just try to practice letting it go. Every time you start to think about it retrain your self to think about being somewhere you want to be and doing what you want to do. Most of these men have had brain farts and done some stupid things, but we have to make sure that you don't let the past destroy the future and you can't change it anyway.

You're giving BM way to much credit. Do you believe that STBSD is beautiful because of her mother's genes? I prefer to think that your STBH had a beautiful grandmother and that SD looks just like her and when you have babies they will be beautiful too.

Hi all, this is my first time responding. I just want to say that I have been reading on this site for awhile now and you guys make me feel normal. I was thinking I was some raging jealous 2nd wife, but I don't feel so alone now.
Soon to be wife and mom.......do not feel guilty......I always say the most painful experience I have ever had is that the man I am in love with now, had a life and children with another woman. It kills you if you think about it too much. It makes me very sad to know that he shared an experience with another woman that he won't be sharing with me.
As for being angry with him for being with white trash, I feel that way too sometimes, and I get angry that I have this evil person in my life. And I think "how stupid could you be?"...then I realize that it seems like a lot of the men were trapped..and they did what they thought was the right thing at the time....and we have to admire that integrity about them....even though it hurts. And the fact that he was once with someone so horrible, will make him value you and the wife/mother you are all the more.
But I agree with Karmaqueen, it does seem more like grief, and I know exactly how you feel. Hang in there.

I can relate to what you're saying, thankfully my SD looks so much like her father, the only thing she got from her fat troll of a mother is a mouth full of practically perpendicular teeth! the poor kid has had 4 of them removed (I swear BM is part shark or something) and braces for 5 years, with more to go (which of course we pay for).

I don't know how he was ever with her. His only defense really was that he was young and stupid (17) she's a white trash fat lazy slob, (though she wasn't fat back then) and it's embarrassing to no end for us both to know he ever stooped so low. The upshot?

Both her personality and her looks just makes him appreciate me that much more! I know it's petty, but I LOVE seeing her in public, her husband is a fat white trash barely employed loser (they're a matching pair) and my fiance and I are attractive educated people with interesting lives.

And given SD is an attractive girl, even with that handicap of a mother, I know our baby will be GORGEOUS!

Oh my goodness everything you said along with most of these responses are all the same thoughts that I have had. My FH knocked the BM up on like their 2nd date or something and married her because he "wanted to do the right thing". He has admitted that he never loved her and was physically repulsed by her for 11 years of their marriage(they were married for 12). She is absolutely hideous, doesn't even look like a woman(her name in our household is TROLL).I will sometimes get filled with so much rage over the fact that he married and stayed with her for so long I almost don't know what to do with myself. He worked his ass off for 12 years supporting her and the kids while she got to sit on her ass and work no more then part-time throughout different times of the marriage. I will never have that luxury when I have my own kids. I hate that she came first and that he shared such a beautiful experience with a f****** b**** instead of me, the woman he loves. It makes me sick to my stomache and I am actually shaking as I type this - that is how worked up I get so I obviously still don't know how to get over it myself. I try and do the best I can.....I must be doing something wrong....lol

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist. - George Carlin

and lately, EVERY DAY i wake up and say to myself about my DH "you just HAD to f*ck her 12 years ago didn't you?"

see how nasty we can be? as long as you control your thoughts enough that it doesn't trickle over and poison your relationship with DH and your SD, then it's normal to feel these emotions. it's a struggle every day to remind myself that he made a mistake and now we ALL pay for it. your love for him has to be bigger than all of this. if it isn't, you need to reconsider. a kid that's 2 years old is young enough that you have the opportunity to 'bond' with her and fall in love with her. imagine inheriting a stepchild at the ugly age of 12 or 16? ick. all you get is smart assed comments, eye ball rolling and selfishness. at 2, you can make your own mark with her, read stories, be affectionate and yes, have your own baby as well, but at least she is still a baby and not so spoiled yet that she is insufferable like my SS. good luck my friend and vent anytime you need to. God knows i don't know what i'd do without this site somedays.

Just trying to be a Stepmom without getting Stepped On.

I also wondered what the hell hubby was thinking when getting together & married to BM, but I have heard from many, many people that she didn't start going nuts until after she had the skids; that she actually was semi human before. Could it be because her freedom was taken away? After all, when they (skids) were 4 & 7 she said it was now her time to live again...like WTF....you are a mother for life, but at the least you don't push them aside at that age. This is the ages of the skids when they separated because of her fling.

I don't resent my hubby from having a past, I figure that is part of how you are made up as a whole yourself...from your past. We all have pasts, some not as good as the rest.

My problem is having to deal with the bull shit in the present. There is absolutely no reasoning for it. We are all adults. Maybe my expectations are too high (something I am often told by others...LOL). I expect everyone to work together and come to solutions to problems at hand. I don't expect one party (the BM) to stand there and stamp her feet because she isn't getting her own way all the time. Again, maybe I am expecting her to act mature when she just is not capable of it....too high of an expectation I guess.

oh my god, u and i are living parallel lives. i couldve (and probably have at one point) written yr post myself. it sucks. in my case, FH met BM after his divorce when he was really down. she was "better than nothing, better than being alone". he trusted her when she said they were covered about the BC and lo and behold, shes pregnant. 3 yrs later, he still hates himself for being so stupid.

honestly, its hard to let go of. for me, everything awful that BM has done has made matters worse. it sickens me to think he was ever w her. PLUS, like unknown above, all the CS we pay and we and our future kids will suffer for...ugh. its really, really tough. i dont enjoy SD when she is around. BM is raising her to be a spoiled whiny baby brat and i wont raise my kids that way. BM is such an evil ugly person who has been hell bent on ruining us. i just lok at him and think "what the f*** were u thinking?"

but then i think about all he goes thru in dealing w it. how he beats himself up every day bc we cant have the wedding we want, the things we want, all bc of her paycheck. and then i think about how bad of a place he mustve been in to have benn w her. he says he never used to dream or think about the future...everything was day to day. and he wondered if hed ever make it thru and be happy again. he got to the point where he just accepted that that was how he thought his life was going to be, and just gave in and stopped fighting. he didnt think he deserved better.

this brings tears to my eyes knowing that MY wonderful man actually lived like that and felt that way. we were just talking about it last nite, when he AGAIN told me how he cant believe how his life is turning out and how happy he is now and its all bc of me...these are the things i hold onto that help me get thru it.

honestly, we have to let go...we just have to. i know its hard but for our wonderful DHs sake, we have no choice. and we can do it. we have each other to help get us thru. u can always talk to me...

"Given the right reasons and the right two people, marriage is a wonderful way of experiencing your life."
~the late great George Carlin

i can pull so many excerpts from each response and apply it to our situation!

My FH knocked the BM up on like their 2nd date or something and married her because he "wanted to do the right thing" --- oh god, DH came back from college between semesters and knocked BM up. It was an "i miss you f*ck" OH GOD. I can't even fathom him having strong feelings like that for her. yes, we all have a past...BUT, we don't have the past haunting the present and future; like he does. everytime I see BM..I'm reminded that he had sex with her...I need to retrain myself. Then, when I see SD, she looks just like her mom, so there again, I need to differentiate that the kid is separate from the mom..but it's hard when she's always talking/reporting to her!

"but I have heard from many, many people that she didn't start going nuts until after she had the skids" --- yup again, DH said they fought a lot after SD was born. They didn't live together...so I'm assuming BM was overwhelmed with having a kid.

Now that we have our own..I (Even more) want to be left alone (meaning no sd and bm)....I'm counting down the years until support and visitation are over.