You are here

I'm so fed up!!!

Soldiersgurl's picture

Submitted by Soldiersgurl on Sat, 04/03/2010 - 3:31am

Ok.. Im new at this and Im not familiar with the abbreviations and such but bear with me.. I have to vent and I'm so happy I finally found a place to do it. here goes.....
My husband and I have been good friends for 5 years before he told me he was divorcing his wife of 6 years in 2007.She was a total mess. maniac,junkie,adultress and just all around LOSER. We started dating while he was deployed to afghanistan shortly after he told her he wanted a divorce because he just couldnt take being miserable anymore(I dont blame him). We got married in april 2009.I love my husband so much but his ex wife is really putting alot of strain on our relationship. He has two children with her ages 4 and 7 he was getting his kids every other weekend when we were stationed in Oklahoma which was an hour away from the exes house. We have since had to relocate to Tn and he has only got to see his sons once during spring break for a week. He is in the process of fighting for custody of the chidren since she is constantly in and out of jail. Never taking the kids to the doctor. They were COVERED from head to toe in ringworm when they came to our house for a vist one time yet she refused to take them to a doctor..we had to do it. Her 4 yo has to have almost all of his teeth removed because his teeth are so rotted out. She wouldnt take them to the dentist so when we did it..oh boy. She was livid.HUGE FIGHT. She is constantly calling,screaming,lying and controlling my husbands life. She uses the children to her advantage. She knows my husband wont say anything back because he loves his children. She feeds them lies about there father and I. says horrible things about us that they shouldnt have to hear.She has actually schemed to get my husband kicked out of the army by saying that while they were together he "anally raped" her of course there was a HUGE investigation and it was found to be untrue. However everytime she gets mad at him she always says that she will do somthing to really mess his life up and this time it will be worse then saying he raped her. I mean c'mon..GROW UP! She doesnt work and lives with her mother. The only income she has is the 750.00 a month child support that my husband pays every month. I'm so sick of her. She has threatened me and my husband we had numurous saved voicemails from her and her crazy mother saying disgusting and mean things. I have been getting irritated with my husband because he wont stick up for himself. What really upsets me is that he doesnt stick up for me when they are treating me like crap. I try to care about the children they have together but it is so hard to do because I know she feeds them stories and lies about me. They are really big mama's boys so everytime they are at our house the oldest one constantly talks about the things his dad and his mom would do together when they were married. Went as far as saying I looked just like his mom and how his mom and dad use to take showers together..urrgh! The youngest talks about his mother all the time. I understand that they have kids together and thats just the way things are but do I really have to put up with her crap? Now I am 6 months pregnant with our first child together and I'm worried that my husband will not feel the same love for this child as he feels with theres.. am I wrong? or just paranoid? Im so frustrated with all of the drama and I resent my step sons because of there mother.Because of her I am growing more distant of there kids. Any advice? Or maybe similar stories? I would love to hear from anyone on this..thanks for listening.

Comments

srangel112's picture

Submitted by srangel112 on Sat, 04/03/2010 - 10:10am

It seems you have more time involved with your DH than I do; however, we have full custody of his two boys ages 5 and 6. So maybe I can help give some advice there, maybe not. We have a psychotic BM, too, who attempted suicide at least 3 times last year and possibly once this year. SS6 found her the first time last year and that triggered their divorce after 5 years of marriage. At times I felt my DH didn't stick up for me either when she would talk bad about me. She calls me his whore even though she's the one who slept around to try to get pregnant because my DH has been fixed. She also lives out of state likes yours. However, she makes no real attempt to be a part of their lives other than occassional Sunday phone calls for about 15 minutes. We aren't sure what to do when they go visit for the summer, because she has threatened before to keep them from us. She even said last week on her phone call to the boys something along the lines of if I step into her state she'll give me some hurt. She said that we aren't allowed to see them any weekend during her summer visitations although I emailed her the same divorce copy she has and highlighted where it says we are allowed 2 nonconsecutive weekends. She said she will just keep them longer and that DH is inconsiderate. He said, they will go from seeing me everyday to never seeing me for 6 weeks. How can that be good for the boys?! We also started going to parenting class/therapy in February and go every other week. It has been good for us, because it teaches us both parenting skills and gives us both a perspective from the other person. We also put the boys in play therapy about 6 weeks ago, because we knew there would be an adjustment period after she moved away. What I have had to learn (from experience, advice on here, and advice from friends and family) is that she will always be their mom no matter how horrible she is and how wonderful I am. The bond I have with them won't be the same relationship I would have with a biological child. Their memories, while short, will include her in their lives; however, we have made new and better memories that don't include her. She would often sleep all day while the kids played (she is bipolar and doesn't work either), often neglecting them and not feeding them while DH was at work. They rarely visited any family. Since I have been in their lives, we often visit the library, go to parks regularly, play in the snow, have been to Florida together, make cookies homemade, cook together, decorate for holidays, make painted t-shirts, been cave exploring, and yesterday we painted big initials and decorated them and hung them on the wall for our "family." Seeing as you don't get to see them very often, accept that they will talk about their mom. While it is hard, try to talk to them about their memories of her...it will show to them that you aren't threatened by her and it will open communication. I have learned that their BM won't care for them either; she would not buy them any clothes for their visits with her until they took Christmas photos and then when she moved she got rid of their clothes again...she believes it's DH's job to supply their clothing no matter how many times both lawyers tell her otherwise. My suggestion here is to just do it for them. By you showing that you care about their welfare, they will see you are different from their BM and care about them. Create new family memories with them when they are with you. I am sure that the time is constrained and limited and doing things can be costly, but there are things you can try to do for free. Have a family movie night and "camp out" in the living room, make popsicles out of koolaid, play games together, fly a kite or toss a ball (something we just bought), go to the park, wash the car, etc. Try doing things with them one on one. This is something our therapist suggested as "special time" where each parent spends about 20 minutes with a child and then switches the next day. The kids get to choose whatever they want to do (legos, playdoh, cars, color, etc.) and the parent just watches and talks with them but doesn't ask questions that are emotionally tied. It just allows them to open up and have fun with you. I know this was really long, but hopefully it helps!