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What and Why? Society? Rant---

SMLIFESUCKS's picture

I have officially been in stephell almost 2 years, unofficially 4 years. DH and I have been together 5 years, almost 2 years married. I remember year 2 when DH and I were dating, we decided we were serious and it was time for the kids to meet us. I remember having very little issues with his kids, they were like 4 and 7 at the time.

They would come visit at my apartment that DH moved into. I don't think they knew DH technically lived there but they were on their best behavior. Here it is and they are almost 12 and 9, I start having paniac attacks when I know they are coming over for the weekend. The things I tolerated when they are younger haven't stopped.

Like for instance, the clingy "dadddiiieee, I luuuuvvvv youuuuu daddiiiee" from a 11 and 8 year old is beyond annoying. Yes they were clingy back when I first met him but I attributed that to them being young and not knowing me. SDs seem to think the world revolves around them and what they want to do. DH seems to think it does too so no surprise they act like toddlers.

I guess I ignored things because I thought it was an age/maturity issue not a SD issue. I use to feel like I was the mistress and his ex-W was still his wife, maybe this was my issue. But they were friendly and I thought ok at least he's not calling her a See you next tuesday like my idiot ex-H did to me. Now it's an annoyance, a fight waiting to happen, I can't stand the contact she has with my husband-Period.

DH and I had a fight sunday which will continue until the sunday the SDs leave. It's my daughter's bday on the 27th (ssbt 10) and his youngest (ssbt 9). Last year it was so much drama after they left I wanted to scream. DH and told his daughter, why I am not sure, that I WAS MAKING 2 CAKES. Ok, I told dh I would and both would be small. However, I didn't know that my kids would be having dental surgery right before, I knew they had appointments but it became teeth pulling.

So therefore it was stupid to MAKE TWO CAKES, so I didn't. SD7turning8 then ran home to BM and told her she had to OMG SHARE A CAKE with my BD8turning9. OH the humanity seriously, if they were both our children we would have one dang cake, get over it. DH went to explaining and appeasing BM and I told DH to tell her to F OFF. I vowed to be done. I didn't make another cake until my one year's old bday party in september.

Now it's that time a year again, my daughter's birthday is next week but my weekend is this weekend and it's his youngest sd's birthday on this sunday. So my BD asked me to please make her a barbie/frozen Elsa cake. I can't say no and I don't want to. So I say to DH, I'm making this cake, are they sharing, what are you planning? DH says I haven't thought about it in his usual duh DH mode.

Later we are at walmart and DH is looking at some camo cakes. I say what are you doing? DH had stopped while walking behind me and didn't say anything. DH says I'm thinking about getting this cake for SD8 or SD11's birthday. I said "cool so you're making that" DH gets all huffy and says "yeah I guess so". How can DH first off assume I'm going to make AN ADDITIONAL cake for HIS KID? Really?

Then sunday we are riding home from visiting the in-laws and out of the blue DH says "oh when OSD comes over this weekend, she'll have PINK hair" I was like temporary, permanent, WHAT?? PINK hair?? I'm sure you could imagine me thinking this 11 year old's whole head is pink. He says you know like the teenagers have been doing the pink at the bottom. UGH!

I asked DH when did you find this out. OH SHE meaning BM text me earlier a picture of it and then proceeds to show me. I felt my blood boil. I just let it all go. I don't understand why she has to text you stuff like this, it's like you two are still together. DH just says, that she wrote OSD wanted to send you this, yeah ok BM, OSD has her OWN IPHONE.

It causes another fight about boundaries as usual. I guess I'm so over the fact that he's had ZERO boundaries that ONE LITTLE thing sets me off. DH just says well OSD must have wanted me to see. Did BM or OSD ask your opinion before it happened? NO so why does it matter right now in the middle of our NON SD weekend to send it to you. DH just says I didn't respond, what do you want me to do?

I told him I was aware that there have been times where their talks weren't of the kids and brought up the random text BM sent about him wanting a sugar glider and sending him an advertisement from an FB group and him telling her we may have to get rid of the dog because we couldn't afford him. (seriously)

I know he can't stop her communications but damn, he can ignore Jabba the Slut unless it's serious. He doesn't he engages with her. I told him that he should have just stayed with her and that he was emeshed with her anyways. DH acted dumb like I was talking a different language. And in true DH form, he brings up my ex and how he doesn't tell me things and how he's sorry he doesn't share things with me. UMMM DH, I talk to my kids and see them 3 to 5 days a week. I don't need my ex to tell me what my bs13 and bd9 are doing, they can talk very well ever since they were 2.

I told him if I was sending off texts to my ex with hair color changes and etc. that he'd have an issue of course he says he wouldn't, I call BS on that because I've proven it. Anyways.

Here it is why is it that society now a days thinks it's ok to have a friendly/talky relationship with your ex and if your current wife has an issues, it's her issue not a boundary issue? Why is it that 11 year olds are toting around Iphones, wearing tight/inappropriate clothes, dying their hair colors and it's all cool?

My son is almost 14, in a few months, he doesn't have an iphone and he is treated like a CHILD. Do I bathe him? NO Do I change his clothes? NO Does he dictate when he will come to my house or his dad's? NO Does he decide what clothes I will buy him and if they are appropriate for his age? NO

I'm done, dh can have BM and his two kids, they come first anyways. I will lookout for mine and our DD because he won't. I'm trying to get my ducks in a row because it's becoming quickly apparent I will just get in my car one day and not come back.

DH said I was giving him attitude this morning. Grrr I hate liars or for someone to say they are going to do xyz and dont. Maybe I have control issues I dont know. But it's stupid but with everything else, it set my mood to B*tch today. DH says I'm going to call you to remind you to put the sewer treatment in before you leave the house.

I said OK. Did he call? Nope. I told him I had alot to do, why not add one more thing. DH didn't call or text a word to me this morning until I text him "I did everything". Then it was another 40 minutes before he even responded to that. He left at 2:30am to go back to work in another state for the week. He was already at work when I text him, or should have been. So we had a few words because I admit I'm still pissed over other stuff and I am being a B*tch.

So like 20 minutes later, I get the random apology text - "I'm sorry for whatever I did. I love you with all my heart" WTF DH? Would you accept that? I just went along my routine, dropping off DD18mo, getting into work etc. Then because I didn't respond he went on my FB and wrote "I love you". Seriously DH? He never does this unless he thinks I'm mad.

I've barely heard from him which I'm kinda glad. The few texts he writes, "I love you" I respond "love you".......then he says "DO YOU?"

OMG Fing gosh seriously. Mentally I am just done, physically I am just sick, financially I am not ready. I just can't anymore, I just can't. Sorry for the rant but it had to come out of my head before it exploded.

I know I don't have it as bad as some and I would have been hitting the door like along time ago if I had these SKs more than we do.

Comments

furkidsforme's picture

It sounds like there are some issues here that legitimately need to be resolved.

However... it also sounds like you are handling them in an incredibly immature and passive aggressive way.

Why can't you sit your partner down and discuss each others needs and viewpoints honestly and with respect? By what you wrote, it sounds like he is the one trying, and you are being petty and bitchy and not communicating in a real and meaningful way.

SMLIFESUCKS's picture

There are plenty of issues. I have tried to sit him down and compromise. He wants no part of it. So now I'm in total B*tch mode when it comes to it. Is it right? Probably not but BM get's her way when she turns on the utter B*tch so apparently that's what he responds to.

DH isn't trying, DH is trying to make me crazy. I have told him before what to do. I think he is an adult and can truly figure this out if he wanted to do so.

He hides his contact with BM, so if that's trying I'm not accepting that.

I told him before when she starts with the crap contact, shut that shit down. He doesn't.

DaizyDuke's picture

Ok, first I want to address the cake issue. SD having to share a cake with BD would have been a big issue for me only because I have lived that. Not only is my birthday super close to Christmas, my birthday is also one day prior to my step brother's birthday. And it's totally NOT about being a spoiled brat, and how much you can get, it's about being made to feel special on your birthday, not like you're birthday is an annoyance for everyone. My mom ALWAYS made or bought 2 cakes for me and my step brother. I get that YOU don't want to make a cake for SD, but don't knock DH if HE wants to make one or buy one or whatever. Is your DH's birthday close to a holiday or someone else's birthday? Maybe he's lived it too, so just wants to make sure that SD feels special? Trust me, because I've lived it I admittedly tend to go WAYYYY overboard on BS5 birthday because it is 3 days after Christmas!

Ok, now on to BM contact. I'm with you sister on this one! When I first met DH, he and BM2 communicated entirely too much in my opinion. Granted it was NEVER DH initiating the contact, it was always BM, but he wouldn't shut her down. And I don't want to hear the "oh we're just trying to co-parent" excuse. Sending pictures of pink hair is NOT co-parenting. BM2 asking DH for help on filling out a job application is NOT co parenting. BM2 asking DH if she and her BF could borrow his truck when they were moving is NOT co-parenting. There is a line and these bitches like to cross it every chance they get and it's maddening when our husbands don't shut that down. My DH used to use the excuse that he just didn't want to fight with BM, he didn't want to piss her off... which made me even angrier, because I heard that as apparently it was OK to piss his WIFE off, but heaven forbid, NOT BM. Geesh

SMLIFESUCKS's picture

DH is an only child, so he's selfish. He never shared anything. I went be such an Azz if he asked but DH assumed if he bought the cake MIX, I would be making it. I have no problem with him making/buying or genie popping a cake into our house for his kid. I don't feel I have to be obligated to be the one to make it if he buys mix without him specifically asking me to do so.

Both these kids, mine included have other parents, who should be celebrating their birthday too, so I'm sure she isn't sharing a cake at BM's. Well I know she isn't because last year BM didn't even get her ONE but she had enough nerve to complain about what we did for 30 FREAKING MINUTES.

The contact has lessened I guess. The fact that he doesn't tell me but hides it until he slips up or feels he has to tell me something, pisses me off. If Ex-H sent me a pic of my kid with blue hair etcc.. I would say, it's not neccessary for you to send this to me after the fact. If BM had sent him a text saying "hey OSD wants to get pink color on her hair, what do you think?" I would have had no issue.

He will see her pink hair when she gets here this weekend and he can't do anything about it so WTH. I will ignore, ignore and ignore. I can sympathize with people who feel that sharing isn't fair but it's part of the situation. I told DH on plenty of occassions he can buy/make or teleport a cake for his kids at any time but he choses to leave this to me because I have breasts.

misSTEP's picture

Hmmmm..well, I can understand your issue with the contact. Some of these guys just don't understand the boundaries concept. They also seem to be unaware at the little ways an ex can get to the woman in a guy's life.

As far as the cakes go. My dad and I, my son and my grandmother all have bdays in the same month. As well as my mom and dad's anniversary and a major holiday. We have ONE big cake with ONE big celebration for all. I can't imagine us getting together for a celebration and having a separate cake for each person/event. Hell, we'd spend so much money on 6 cakes that we wouldn't have any left for actual presents!

SMLIFESUCKS's picture

I did a really nice cake last time. I handmade it and all the decorations on it. I spent 3 hours cutting out leaves and flowers and making the icing and all that. I think if I was a kid I would have focused on the work that someone did to make the damn thing.

My daughter was happy as a bug.

SMLIFESUCKS's picture

Not my kid but unfortunately I have to see it this weekend. Then I most likely have to tell my bd9ssbt10 Hell NO! lol

I'm not sure why he told me, was it to make me think Jabba the slut is an idiot. LOL

SMLIFESUCKS's picture

their birthdays are within a few days of each other 22nd and 27th. I have always celebrated MY daughter's bday the week before even when I was with my ex because of other conflicting family bdays.

Since it was such a clusterfuck last year, I have made my decision to eliminate the cake issue. My kids will be here thursday and friday without the SDs, so I will make my daughter's cake on thursday, we will have it friday without SDs and DH. Then DH can do whatever he wants for SDs cake and my daughter won't be interferring with precious SDs DAY.(sarcasm)

I have other friends whom their actual kids have birthdays days apart, their is always one damn cake, it's not an issue. The SKs have to make it an issue along with lazy ass BM. If the two of them were OUR actual daughters together, they'd have one cake except for certain big birthdays - 1st, 16th etc.