Hi. I just joined about an hour ago. I am going through a divorce and the man I am involved with is also going through a divorce - basically because of each other. We've been in a relationship since summer of 2004. There have been periods when his estranged wife knew about us and periods when I am kept a secret.

That is the case now. He told her that we broke up a month ago. He says it is for the sake of maintaining a good parenting relationship with his ex (they have two children, ages 3 and 10). He says that he needs her to be in the best mental state to take care of the kids and they need to have a good relationship for co-parenting. Apparently, their relationship has improved since she thinks I am out of the picture.

Unfortunately, it makes me feel like a mistress - even after all we've been through and sacrificed to be with each other. I spent some weekends with his kids and that is when his ex lost control, sending letters and emails, abandoning the little one. My boyfriend and I were supposed to move in together and I was supposed to be slowly integrated into the kids’ lives but now, in order to pacify the ex, he says he needs to maintain this duplicitous life. If I choose to stick around, I would have to accept a half life. First, I can’t be around the kids anymore because it’s too soon and it upsets the ex. That means we can’t move in together for however long. Now he can’t even tell her that we’re still seeing each other. When will it end? When will we ever MOVE FORWARD. Our relationship seems to be going backwards. Of course whenever I express my feelings about it, he uses the kids and his ex’s well-being as an excuse. I can’t win. I have nothing. I have no control over the situation except to leave. This would not make him change his mind since his kids and their well-being will always come first. He is dealing with a lot of guilt for leaving his wife and children; his 10 year-old daughter is in therapy and has an eating disorder. He has not yet forgiven himself for what he’s done to them and he doesn’t like casting me in this role either. He says he needs time to deal with his guilt and forgive himself before he could move forward with me. I’m just so afraid of losing him but I know that if I stay, I’m only enabling him to continue this behavior.

His ex is already involved with a new man who takes her on trips and provides her with luxuries and conveniences of life. My boyfriend does not care about their relationship so this guy doesn’t have to be “a secret”. My boyfriend says he is not in love with his ex. He does however care about the role this new man has in his kids' lives. So with that and all the guilt involved, he is being extra sweet and accommodating to her. It just drives me crazy to hear him talk to her on the phone because she has no idea.

I am thankful that he has told me the truth about the situation while still lying to her. At least that’s something. She has once gloated in an email to me that she would rather have an honest relationship with her ex, than a sexual one. My boyfriend says that she's just being mean-spirited, because she doesn't want to believe that we are any more than that. Honest relationship, my foot. The selfish side of me just wants her to know that I'm still the picture. I think of ways to anonymously tell her. My clothes and things are all over his apartment (I stay at his place four days out of the week, and his kids stay with him the other three days). His kids must know I’m still around. My ego just wants it to be certain. Please help me. How should I deal with this?