Weekend Warrior
Well this past weekend was much of the same. My daughter came to me upset because my boyfriend was still giving her the cold shoulder because of what his daughter did (she snuck out to be with her boyfriend that she is not supposed to be alone with and my daughter didn't tell on her). Meanwhile, I was out taking his daughter to her therapist. After my daughter came to me, I again addressed it with my boyfriend and it blew up into a huge argument. He tried to tell me that he was mad at my daughter because she didn't help me around the house - I then lost my temper and told him that was not true because he was fine with her until his daughter snuck out and as far as I was concerned my daughter helps me out a hell of a lot more than his daughter - my daughter rarely is home when we eat dinner (she is at work). His daughter, when she feels like eating when we do, eats, put her plate in the sink and leaves the kitchen...I left the house feeling terrible telling him that I felt that our partnership was being ruined because we only make decisions as a partnership when it comes to my daughter and that his daughter was running our house, dividing and conquering her father to get what she wants and treating her mother terrible (hasn't had contact with her in almost 3 weeks - left her house because she didn't like her mother's rules) and is trying to destroy our relationship...I am really at a loss.
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Well........
From what I have read, it sounds like you are right on the money about his daughter. You are also right about the decision making process being different for each girl. It shouldn't be. Maybe he just doesn't want to admit the truth. Maybe after your boyfriend has time to think about what you said, it will finally sink in.
Dawn
Thanks Dawn!
For your comments - I wish you were right. Last night we had another "discussion" and he felt we were both not happy right now and I asked him to tell me what he thought the reason was. He feels that "I am not giving his daughter a chance". With that I lost it - he gives my daughter the silent treatment while his daughter causes us to be at odds, goes to the mall with her grandmother, out for pizza on Friday night with us and to a car show with her dad on Sunday. I also had to drive her to a therapy appointment on Saturday, but I'm not giving his daughter a chance. She's had a million chances and the rules don't apply and she can do whatever she wants and suffers no consequences. Without his support, I have no say what happens at our house and it's okay if I go to work everyday and come home to a house I don't feel is my own and my daughter has to walk on eggshells while his daughter is happy go lucky because she has her daddy wrapped around her little finger...After all that he told me he has to learn to be more strict and wanted to know what her punishment should be. I told him that he would have to figure that out after waiting over a week after the incident and that he and his ex-wife needed to determine what the consequences would be - I have lost all credibility with his daughter and why should I continue to try if both he and his ex-wife have no guts to enforce some discipline...
I don't understand why men
I don't understand why men don't "Get it" sometimes. I understand that guilt often plays a role in their relationships with thier children....but as Moms we also deal with guilt issues. Nobody likes to be the BAD GUY and have confrontations with our children...but that's part of what you sign up for when you have them.
You come across as a very intelligent woman. Your husband must know and appreciate that quality in you as well. Once your husband absorbs what you've said and begins to see the bigger picture I'm sure he'll try to be a better disiplinarian.
Keep working on him. Help him see that a parents job is not to be thier childs "buddy"..it's to prepare them for life on their own..to make them good citizens...part of that is ..understanding that actions have consequences.
It's his Job. His parental duty!!!
It sounds like Dawn was right when she said that what your saying will sink in after a while..
Don't give up!!
Thanks Lovin-Life
I'm very fortunate to have found this site. It helps to know that we aren't crazy or fighting a losing battle, but at times it is more than one can bear. I do want what is best for his daughter, but I feel like I am destroying my relationship with my boyfriend because of his inability to be a parent and not a friend to his own daughter. He sees everything through rose colored glasses when it comes to his daughter and thinks I'm just giving him a hard time and not giving her a chance. I'm trying to stay the course and appreciate your support and guiance.