WTH, no way a 19 y/o SS should be unemployed, not in school and in your small space. I have a 19 y/o BK living at home and while he is not a saint, he is employed and in college and has an active social life that does not interfere with our household. There is something seriously wrong with your SS. I would consider shipping him off to the job corp or military school if they will take his lazy ass. 

Welcome to Steptalk!  I'm sure it will help you as it's helped many.

Like you, I've been in my stepfamily a long time. And, like you, I have the daddy guilt DH87 here, still babying his little girl, SD62.  I also face resistance when I suggest changes.

The only thing that has ever worked for me was when I expressed my thoughts as concern.  "I'm so worried about .SS, he is so (positive comnent like so smart, so good -ooking, so likeable, whatever).  I worry that he is so (isolated, lonely,, not moving forward, etc)".  Then see what he says.   

I totally agree its too much, it's time for him to flap his wings.

"The tension in our household has significantly strained my marriage as I feel my stepson's needs continue to take precedence over my own."

What are your stepson's "needs?" Video games, unlimited time to lollygag? Your husband is severely failing to meet his son's needs. Allowing him to exist this way as a young man will cripple him and turn him into a lifelong loser. Yep, I said it. Loser. He is losing valuable time to learn a skill or begin building a career. He is losing the opportunity to build his character. He will lose at life if he continues to be supported by his father into adulthood while not being required to grow as a person and have or meet any expectations. And if he becomes a loser, you all lose. 

Dad and mom aren't going to be around forever. Your husband is doing his son no favors. With the way the world is, you've got to hit the ground running just to stay afloat. He needs a stable, decent-paying career so he can support himself in the future. Your husband should have set him off down that road already. 

"Husband's divorce guilt" as you put it, is a massive factor for many of our step family woes, leading them to inappropriately spoil their biological children, not have reasonable expectations of them, not set reasonable boundaries for them.  There is also the fear for some that if they don't do all these things, they will have nothing further to do with their fathers. This was my problem!  As you say, it's more of a DH issue than an SS issue.  Your husband needs to change his approach and start requiring action of his son, not just let him sit in his bedroom all his life.  If he doesn't tackle it now, it will become too much of a habit.  He really is not doing his son any favours with his laissez faire attitude.  

Kidults either need to be in school or work.  The goal is for them to launch.  My SS was not interested in University after HS. He was also not interested in a job. So, we made him our live in 24/7 beck and call chore boy as the primary component of the burning platform to get him to launch.

As it turned out, he had ADHD. Though it was not Dx'd until he was in his late 20s.  It took 8mos but he did launch and successfully. His path was in the military.  There are incredible professionals that make their career building young people into contributing members of an organization.   SS-32 is less than 7 yeares from full military retirement.

He is a man of honor and character, an adult of standing in his life, profession, and community.

If SS-19 is foundering, you may want to vector him to the military. If his academically strong he could benefit from the structure and the professional development.

You mention he's "on the spectrum." Being a spectrum, that could mean anywhere from slight problems with social skills to nonverbal and needs to wear a helmet to walk around. But, wherever he is on the spectrum, having him just sit and play games with no future plan is bad. If he truly will never be able to live alone or hold a job, you guys need to be looking into respite care, sitters, and group homes. If his condition is more mild, your DH should be looking at job training programs or even just getting him into entry level work.

My ex-DH's nephew is on the spectrum and, though he did struggle, went to school for and is now a professional firefighter and is also in a band that plays gigs in our local area. He does still struggle to manage money but his mom guides him, and he has been living on his own a few years.

His parents never let him loaf around, always made sure he was working toward a goal. He is 23 and is where he is because he wasn't allowed to lay about for even a few days. They didn't try to shield him from the world or protect him from failure. He's been kicked off teams, fired, had to repeat classes, etc. But they never let him make excuses and he is now more successful than some of his neurotypical cousins. If your SS is even remotely capable of doing more than he is, his dad is coddling him into failure. 

You must understand most of us have PTSD. or are getting it.   You see clearly what's is happening,  I agree with you. No kid at 19 should be aloud to sit at home playing on his phone all day.  Either college , since he's a good kid you will help him out. Or get a job work and contribute to the home.  
'You don't need a 19 yo SS. Under your feet all day.  DH must be made to understand some day he will be not around anymore. And there  is nothing sadder. Then a 40 yo who can't manage his life. Because his BF did everything for him.

Its the grown up thing not a punishment. To work, have an apartment, car, friends. to spend tine with. And there nothing sexy about a grown man living with his parents 

Hon, you’ve written:

‘I threw out my back, I'm losing my hair in clumps, I cry all the time, I am losing interest in my husband, and I am losing faith in having a quality life..’

I’m feeling great compassion for your situation and great anger towards your unreasonable, selfish husband! He must be aware of your suffering yet continues to treat you as a second-class citizen. After a decade of sacrificing for your DH’s first family, it’s long past time for you to take care of yourself!

Nothing will change unless you take drastic steps. Clearly, your DH is satisfied with the existing state of affairs or he would have tried to improve your circumstances long ago. You’ve mentioned that your SS is high functioning and capable of living on his own, which makes your DH’s failure to motivate his underperforming BS into pursuing further education, a trade or the military a major parental failure.

Life is short, Skids, and it’s not surprising that you’re losing interest in your DH. As far as this old granny is concerned, it’s time to start looking for a small place of your own. When one’s health begins to suffer from untenable domestic conditions, alternate plans must be considered. Your unhappiness is being ignored by your DH and a ‘come to Jesus’ confrontation with him might just wake him up to the error of his ways. 

Quite frankly, Hon, if it were me, I’d have been long gone before the move to that small apartment. Changing careers is generally associated with an increase in pay; do you have enough independent income to live on your own? I’ll bet the farm that leaving your inconsiderate husband and his mollycoddled son would, ultimately, bring you peace and happiness.

Welcome to the site and I hope that we'll be able to help you decide on your best course of action. ♥️

Welcome. And I'm sorry you're dealing with this. The daddy guilt is very difficult to be around and it's very unattractive. My DH was there in earlier years.  Marital and individual counseling helped us. 

Only you and DH week or weekend get-a-way.  Nice hotel, with room service a spar   Great restaurant.  Getting away from this craziness. And to see how DH handles this.  Being away from mini wife. [ yes sons can be mini wifes].  If he can actually enjoy being with you .  Any animal goes to a per sitter not SS. 

My DW and I have a very similar age difference to you and your DH.  Though I am the elder by 12yrs.

We started our relationship when SS-32 was 15mos old.  We married the week before he turned 2yo.  Though the CS in our case was a pittance as the SpermClan paid first $110/mo for a year, then $133/mo for 9 years. At that point DW filed for an ammendment of CS and it went up.  Over the full 17yrs with a CO the total paid by the Spermidiot was about $50K.

Keep It Stupid Simple. K.I.S.S. works.

For us, what worked, was setting standards of behavior and standards of performance that kids in our marriage would be held to. In an age appropriate manner.

We for the most part partnered effectively in that effort. When we got out of synch it was usually when my DW decided she did not like how I was parenting and disciplining.  At those points "If you do not like how I am parenting and disciplining, then step up and get it done before I have to. Or, have my back. Your choice." was how I addressed the occassional tendency that any BioParent has to coddle rather than actually parent.

They all do it as some point. The key to making a quality family with someone who has prior relationship children is the standards of  behavior, standards of performance, and associated boundaries that  both of the equity life partners have established and commited to raising any kids in the family with. Regardless of kid biology. Theirs, yours, or yours together. Flavor of kid really is irrelevant.

KISS.

Though as it turned out, for us, SS was and is an only.  He is the eldest of 4 Spermidiot spawned half sibs by three baby mamas for the Spermidiot.   Sadly, #2 is on the dole, #3 is in prison, and #4 is not far behind the convict.   For us, KISS worked. For SS's younger half sibs, coddling failed them miserably.

If the SO does not have effective standards, your SO parents to your standards. Period. Dot. Or they bite their tongue and have your back while you do what they are failing to do.

IMHO of course.

I'm all for taking action so that you can eventually get out from under a marriage in which one partner's needs don't count. You need a plan.

First step might be therapy--for just you. It will help you sort out your own priorities and options. You also need a job so you can squirrel away money to get your own place and support yourself.

Once you start taking tiny steps to improve your situation, you'll feel more empowered. Flip side of that is your DH might feel like he's losing control and will ramp up. Your therapist can help you set boundaries, including defining what you will do when he crosses them.

Don't focus on what is behind you and what could have been. You can't do anything about those things. You can, though, think about what a happy future looks like and start planning how to get there. 

Skids, I can’t stop thinking about your situation and how soul-destroying it must be, married to a man who loves you so little that he can experience your great unhappiness, your nightly tears, and fail to alleviate your suffering. My DH can’t stand to see me cry and would do anything in his power to make me feel better. Face it, Hon, the man does not love you! At best, you are a ‘wife appliance’, in his life to make it easier. 

By my (dubious) math, you are in your late thirties or early forties. I started dating the man of my dreams when I was thirty-seven and married him five years later. Trust me, you have a lot of life to live, but if you remain with your husband, you’ll be wasting that life when you could be finding happiness. 

Is there a chance that you could return to your previous job? Also, keep in mind that you are entitled to half of your combined assets and, due to the length of your marriage, alimony as well. Divorce is difficult and frightening; I’ve been through it twice, yet coming out on the other side was almost miraculous. 

Im glad your here but sad you are here also. My advice is to read around the blogs and forums here, if you havent already (although you have the lingo down, so I suspect you lurked a bit before posting your own story) and I would echo back the seeking of therapy for yourself. Your "husband" can pay for it.

You can try rags method of doling out the chore list. Using your back as the "reason".

Now firstly - did you two buy this place you are in now? Its uber expensive all over California, so that was quite the accomplishment if you managed to do that, especially in Los Angeles. For those in other countries or states who might consider LA to be Louisana (wink).

Im up in Central Coast California - practically a whole different state. Its super expensive and we bought super low, and refinanced at a super low rate so now Im kind of stuck. The fertility thing was never an option for me, but if it is for YOU, really really consider is this is the person you want to be with for the rest of you fertility life as well as natural life.

I currently have SD25 Feral Forger and we are no contact. And SD18andgraduated Princess Powersulk Do Nada, Our Lady of Inertia, goddess of Sloth. She has no job, not in college classes, has not even completed the fafsa, no drivers license and not even a gvt issue photo ID (which I offered to pay for as a bday/grad gift last may). Shes generally kind and respectful and shes been continuing the week on week off schedule she had during the visitation, and so Ive been like yourself minus the back. Ive lectured, Ive discussed, Ive pushed, Ive pullled. The only thing I havent done is withdraw the zekzy time because it benefits me.

What we have come up to is that I am comped money from the bills as payment for her living in my home. I tried being the "chore giver" but all that accomplished was attitude and withdrawal from her and then they gang up on me in a passive-agressive way. For example "thank you DAD. Your welcome DAD."

Im like eff that. Im no longer the chore giver as thats too much work and I already have a full time job.

Are you able to work, or must you apply for disability? I would definitely consult with a lawyer to see what your options are - many consults are free. Do some reading and research on your own since you are currently out of work. You need to feel empowered and we can help with validating your experience, but you also need some cold hard facts too. Find out what the laws are in the state you were married in. Since your husband is the high earner he will probably have to pay something should you choose to part ways.

So - some ideas are being thrown out. The BEST idea IMHO is take care of you. Your being healthy is the key to figuring this thing out.

It's unfortunate that his parents didn't better prepare him for "life" and a lot of times it feels like neither parent really is all that worried about the situation.. just assuming the "other parent is handling it".. then boom.. hot potato is in your court.

I think your situation is definitely magnified by the other stressors you are dealing with.  New home.. new state.. new jobs etc.. Even GOOD changes bring stress into our lives.. you all must (including your SS).. be dealing with a lot after a big move like that.

The size of your home also seems fairly small for three adults and your other child (assuming still a minor).  

I think you need to have a serious talk with your husband about his plans for a launch.  It might even mean that he needs to help subsidize his kid a bit to get him out on his own.. he paid CS (I hope I was not understanding YOU personally were paying any support from your funds.. that would have been wrong. .and again a husband problem).  maybe he can afford to pay out a little bit to ease his kid's transition (assuming he can afford it obv...)  the lesser of two evils might be him in his own space.. where mom can send him all the care packages he needs haha.

Just because he is in his own place doesn't mean your DH hast to stop parenting him.. he can spend time with the boy at his place. you can host him for family dinners.. he can help him go over his bills and budget etc..