I suspect that my SS11 has some level of ADD/ADHD. All of the findings from teachers, the psychologist state that he has trouble focusing, is easily distracted, tends to be impulsive, blurting out answers etc. but no diagnosis of ADD/ADHD. He also lives with us full time and only sees BM EOWE. I work from home so I spend more time with him than either of his natural parents and I find him EXHAUSTING. I feel like I have to be on my guard once he's home or whenever he's around actually. He's the kind of kid, you give him an inch, he'll take a mile. Always looking to get much more than what he gets and for nothing. He is irresponsible, can't remember to do his daily tasks without prompting, cannot multitask (tie his shoes if the TV is on), can't close doors, drawers, turn off lights without prompting. Some might say he's just a kid (including BM) but my DD was far more responsible and I didn't have to constantly remind her to do to things that SS needs to be reminded to do. I feel for you having 4 kids all the time and I don't have any advice for you really other than it sounds like you need some help. You mentioned DH working 6 days a week. What about his family? Anyone nearby who can help out? Given that your parents also need help and you're an only child, it sounds like you desperately need a support network of family and friends so that you're not so drained.

Both my SDs - ages 16 and 14 were diagnosed with ADD a year or two ago, to be honest, it doesn't change much. I think it is a bit of a catch-all diagnosis to be honest - which is in fashion at the moment. Prior to ADD coming into being, these kids would have been labelled underachievers with challenging behaviour. I have several friends who are teachers who don't put much faith into ADD diagnoses.
My SDs don't take medication - maybe you can get advice on this from other forum members, but I wouldn't want to take much more on yourself, as you already sound grossly overloaded with responsibilities. Remember to take care of yourself and accept any help you can get - nobody will be helped if you struggle under the strain of trying to take care of everyone.

One swins has it. Fails school when he refuses to take meds...takes meds and gets A's. But attitude at home is not much different imo. Because meds are not enough - you were told correct: add kids require a structured environment. Not something my DH bought into so I have to live with a 15 yr. old that acts like a 10 year old. All the specialists told DH & BM that having ADD makes him immature for his age & to treat him like that age. Geezzz.

My SS7#1 has it. BM and DH are supposed to be discussing whether to medicate him or not. However since we are custodial, I'm the main caregiver, the daily helper of homework, the breaker upper of fights and arguments between the kids, the receiver of all the negative aspects of his ADHD. I'm glad DH has the final word, but I do not believe BM, after all the hell she has put everyone through, should have a say in the matter.

Before I moved out of exSO's house I was caring for SIX kids. He has three and I have three. I myself was diangosed with ADD as an adult and I am on medication. I'm on Vyvanse and honest to God it saved my life. Anyway...SO's youngest daughter is repeating Kindergarten. She is "suppose" to be going to the 1st grade but I don't think she is ready. She is deplayed, she has some behavior issues. Frankly, she has every sign of ADD/ADHD. I FINALLY talked exSO to talk to the school counselor and they said they don't feel she shows any of the signs (but yet at parent/teacher conferences they say she is stuggling in such and such and doing such and such) and it falls under the ADD/ADHD symptoms. BM is an idiot because when exSO brought it up, all she kept saying is "my kid isn't goin on meds." It's not like the meds out there today make the kids zombie's. It's just finding the right one.

Anyway, I told exSO that he NEEDS to have her evaulated by a professional and someone who deals with ADD/ADHD. Both exSO and BM totally dropped the ball and has once again pushed it under the rug. So in the mean time, this kid is going to struggle and be labled as a trouble maker.

Just from doing alot of reseach myself on this for my own personal use/knowledge I learned to apply some of the things I can do (no medicated) with my FSD. The BIGGEST and the BEST advice I ever read was "when a child has done wrong, they need to have a consequence BUT when they do good, you need to celebrate it and let them know that you are proud of them." Even with the littlest things my FSD would do like asking her to pick something up for me and she did it...I made a big deal out of it because the kid isn't "bad" in that sense. She honestly doesn't know any better or can't get her mind to stop racing and focus. My heart breaks because there is nothing I can do for her and she has some issues that need to be focused on. And her parents are idiots.

When my FSD did't do something like I asked, I would CALMLY repeat what I said to her and if she didn't do it, I explained CALMLY that I was disappointed and blah blah blah. I noticed that she would actually listen and pay attention when I talked to her calmly and explained everything to her even if it was all in great detail. When she did something good, I gave her a big congrats and let her know how proud I was of her and that I love seeing her help me. It worked!!!! She started to slow down, quit being so repeatitive, annoying, and actually wanted to help.

It's something you have to have alot of patience....I swear the only way I got through it was by actually having it. LOL

Yes I have ss13 who was dx'ed at 5 with adhd. He lived with us from ages 1-9 and I was primary caregiver to him as well as my 3 other kids who are 13,11, and 9 now. I put alot of structure in place with ss-and ended up doing so with my own kids as well because of ss. Homework was done immediately upon arrival from daycare (I also worked full time while dh worked out of town)-he sat there until he did it and then I would check to make sure it was all done. I would also check to make sure it went in the backpack. I bought these organizers things that have 7 shelves for his closet. On Sundays, he had to put his all his clothes for each day in there-as he had such a hard time getting ready in a timely fashion in the morning so this eliminated some of those problems. When he visited bm-his bag had to be packed the night before.

I had alot of rules in place. No getting a snack without permission. No going outside if you could not stay within the confines of the yard. Set bedtime. And truthfully most of the rules were geared toward ss to help make sure he functioned as well as he could, stayed safe, and out of trouble. He has been medicated, for the most part, since age 5. We tried him without meds for a few months while he lived with us in 3rd grade. His teacher begged us to put him back on the meds. He moved to bm's in 4th grade and she tried it for a year without meds. He did horribly-made f's on his report card. She put him back on meds in 5th grade and he has been medicated since. Sadly he is still bringing home f's (although after initially being placed on meds he went to making all a's and b's)but I think it is more about him just not caring and no structure. I know bm about died when he moved in with here-she called my dh one night after about 4 months almost hysterical over ss and his behavior. He argues with me every single night! He breaks things every single day! He will not do any homework unless I make him! He will not brush his teeth or bathe without being forced! Haha. Welome to my world!

The only other thing I would say is that-yes, these kids tend to be immature-I would say my ss13 is about on the maturity level of my 9 year old dd-however, IMO, it is a huge mistke treating them by the age they act-unless you are talking privileges. I wouldnt give my ss the same privileges I give my 13 year old dd-I give her a certain amount of freedoms because she can handle them. However, i do hold him to 13 year old standards (unlike bm and dh)because if you dont he's not ever going to achieve it. If I treat him like he's 9-well of course thats the way he will act. But if I treat him as if he has some sense in his head-he just might grow up a bit.

My SS has ADHD, Bipolar, Depression, and shows signs of Aspberger's (sp?). I am like you, I am with him the most, more than his dad or BM. We have five kids here full-time. He is EXHAUSTING at times and other times is a joy to be around. I must say though, he has improved greatly in the past couple of years. He used to never get up for school and missed A LOT; he wouldn't help out around the house at all, (all the kids have daily chores), and his dad would have to give him his meds or he wouldn't remember to take them. His BM was such an idiot. She would tell him to go take his meds and not follow through with him to make sure he did, so he would usually come home from his weekends with her totally off his meds. She is so clueless when it comes to what he needs. But now he gets up for school all the time, does his chore usually without being told, and takes his meds without being told. So there is hope for your SS! I don't know if it's because he has gotten older, or a med was changed or perhaps a combination. Don't give up!
We have found great support through NAMI, (National Alliance for Mental Illness). Their website is www.nami.org . Best of luck!

My nephew,10 who I am raising...had him since he was a baby is ADD. He is not hyperactive, thank god. They tried to get us to hold him back in kindergarten but he is big for his age and their only excuse was that he was not mature enough to move on. We did not hold him back and now that we have a diagnoses and medication I am so glad we did not.

After a HORRIFIC second grade the school tested him and he was ADD. My two older boys 22 and 21 never had any problems in school or functioning and I was at my wits end by the time we finally got him diagnosed.

One minute he could spell all his spelling words five minutes later he could not spell any of them correct....it was a nightmare trying to do homework.

He is now on Stratera and it is like a dream come true....He was on the A-B honor roll this last report card.....Amazing. He is now in fourth grade. If we wait too long after he gets out of school to try and do homework he has a problem, as his medication is starting to wear off.

Although things are not perfect he is doing Sooooo much better now and has actually matured a lot this past year. I still cannot give him more than one direction at a time such as when cleaning his room....I have to say pick up all the toys.....after that is done I can tell him something else to do....Otherwise he will get confused and not get anything done.

Sorry so long.