I just need to get this out.

DH wanted so much to have skid here with us full time, and he got it but is laying most of the work on me... I guess my expectation of him is too high... he has to carry this load all by himself, because other than picking up SD for her scheduled time, BM doesn't do much. I didn't mind doing it when I was staying at home... but since BM isn't keeping up on child support, I had to find a job that takes me away from my own kids just so I can help support hers. I feel bad that times are hard for her, but times were once hard on DH and I having to pay back all the stupid bills from their marriage, and we still managed to send a much larger support check on time every month.

I really am glad, or I guess mostly relieved that SD is with us. I really think she will have a much better opportunity to succeed being here vs with her mom... a much much more stable environment, a home that she can call home. She's actually pretty lucky to at least have one parent that has their ducks in a row. However, all of this just wears on me. Especially knowing how much she misses her mom... and her mom keeps having baby after baby that she can't afford to have... I'm sure that makes her miss her mother more, because she now has to share that time with her siblings. I have fully come to the realization that BM will never be in the right frame of mind to fully "be there" for her daughter. It seems like as time goes on it gets worse and worse. I honestly couldn't imagine doing that to my kid... I would never ever ever let myself ever be in the position where anyone would have physical custody of my own child, not even the father. Her mom does love her, and takes time out to see her, which is wonderful, I love that she does at least that... I know there are alot of BMs out there that don't even do that. She just doesn't put any of the real work into raising her... she doesn't help SD with anything she is having trouble with in school, she doesn't work to help support her daughter, she HAS to be reminded that "hey this is your scheduled time to see your daughter" -- we aren't obligated to remind her I know, but it's hard to just ignore when SD misses her. I even set up this website so that BM can see everything that goes on with SD, even pictures of SD while she is here because I couldn't imagine being separated from my own kid... and she sends us a BS email complaining about it, how she wants DH to call her and talk about every.single.little.thing. We both laughed because BM would never do that if the shoe was on the other foot... please... She doesn't even inform us when she moves in and out of state. So, oh well I gave that up. DH can do all the informing when he wants to...

Luckily I do receive credit, my husband, inlaws, and even SD at times are awesome at telling me what a great stepmom I am. I just wish her mom would step up and be a wonderful mother... do the work it takes. I know I'm wishing for things that probably will never happen... you can't change people...

I have been taking this out on SD a bit, especially lately, since I have been working. I get really ticked that because her mom doesn't do her share of work, I have to pick up the load. I feel like it is so unfair that I have to work instead of staying at home with my baby, just so SD can have school clothes, do extra-curricular activities, and we have gas so that we can drive SD to see her mom. Yet, her mom gets to sit and make babies all day long, taking SD to theme parks instead of doing the right thing and supporting her child both financially and with school... It's not SD's fault, but when you're feeling upset about it... I feel like a horrible stepmother.

I've been having an argument with my mom recently. I guess I have to admit that my mom is kind of right. She is always telling me that when SD is with us I am "the mom"... I keep telling her that she has a mom, and it's not me... but I guess in order to do the right thing for SD I need to do all of these mom things for her. I just really, really want to be the disengaged fun loving stepmother, so I can give my kids the attention they deserve, and just have fun with SD... but things never go the way you want them to. I need to just stop and look at it more from SD's point of view. She didn't choose this, and I'm sure she would agree with me, that she would much rather have her mother here and involved... and I do know her mom would probably would like to be involved too, but the choices BM makes are so irrational!

Life isn't fair.