So here are the facts, what do you think we should do? Take BM to court for full residency if SD5??
BM is crazy. She tried to break me and my husband up when we got together. Said we shouldn't be having a baby because hubby "shouldn't have another kid until he can pay for his first one". That was the first clue that all she wanted was money. I'll get back to this later.
I've been called the new girlfriend and that I'm unimportant. That what I say doesn't matter, all that. I've known my husband for almost 10 years now.
Now to her parenting.
It is abysmal and nonexistent.
On our first visit to SD, 180 miles away, the dog has pissed on the floor and all BM did was cover it with a towel. She didn't actually clean it up.
There was no clean cutlery and BM admitted that it gets left for so long with food that they've got to be thrown away, we brought her some new ones from a charity shop.
She has 2 unneutered male cats, they spray under SDs bed, you can smell it when you walk in.
On our second visit, I was even more horrified by her flat.
They didn't own a hoover, so the place was a mess.
They left SD5 alone for about 30-45 minutes in the morning because BM and her bf worked different shifts and the bf would get back an hour or so after BM left.
We went out and brought a hoover, I hoovered everywhere and mopped the floors, something you could tell had never been done before.
Bm was miles behind on laundry, SD was starting to run out of nice clothes so I did the laundry while BM was at work. All the clothes look old, even if they're brand new because BM doesn't wash anything properly.
I did the washing up because it was piling up.
I noticed the dog rarely went for a walk.
SDs underwear was falling apart. I went and brought her 5 new pairs. Not like her mother would.
BM let's SD sleep in her bed. By the age of 5, that's not something I'd encourage. She should be in her own bed.
SD has been known to wet the bed, so I went to check her sheets and they smelled of piss. Really bad. But BM told me that the night before, SD was asleep in her bed. So I have no idea how long SD had gone sleeping with that smell.
BM moved SD 180 miles away just to do everything alone and she keeps trying to push my husband out. She realised recently she can't do that anymore because my husband started court proceedings. Now he's asked the court to hold off until September because he and BM have come to a private agreement.
But it already looks like BM is trying to get out of that agreement, she keeps trying to pull the number of days we have SD down so that her Child maintenance isn't reduced. We would have her 56 days a year. BM is trying to say it's 45, below the cm threshold, convenient much. The threshold is 52. She keeps trying to cut the day's down, and my husband keeps saying no because he doesn't get to see SD very much, BM has her all year round.
Should my husband continue with court? Or give the private agreement another go?
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He should have an official
He should have an official court ordered agreement... the private agreement is not working out for him or for your family.
Now...once that agreement is in place.. he needs to follow it.. pay the correct amount (not saying he isn't.. just he should pay what they order).. he should take his visitation and they should stick to the order guidelines.
Now.. here is what he (and you) should not do. Get involved in her home unless there is a risk to the child. Don't clean her home(why were you even in it?).. don't buy her a vacuum... if your SO wants to buy her some new underwear.. fine.. but really.. he should not be involved in her home.. and the details of how it is run unless it is a safety/neglect issue. Now.. I would have a problem with a 5 year old being alone at home..even for the short amount of time in the AM.. what happens if someone is delayed.. can't get home.. this is a bad situation.. and needs to stop. She needs to figure out how to make sure her child is being monitored.
But.. yes.. get an official order.. go to court. private agreements rarely benefit the NCP.
I don’t get it, You are BM maid?
Look up disengagement. Don't go over BM HOUSE. What you don't see is not going to effect you. There nothing you can do to make BM a mother and parent. The courts will not help you. Unless BM get arrested or something, being dirty not going to make a difference. You can call CPS. Buy it's going to start a war
Most likely SD has her own problem, bed wetting at 5. If you take SD is DH going to take care of his DD? Or are you going to be the babysitter. SD will always love BM. She has no rules
Also living 180 miles away is a 7 hour round trip. Are you ready to spend two days a week driving to pick up and take back SD
Another town
They live so far away and theres nothing for kids to do, so when we go up if BM is at work we care for SD in her flat. It was an absolute mess. I had my 11 month old with us as well, and I found it to be dangerous for both girls. I couldn't just leave it and let SD live like that.
Yes, go for custody.
Yes, go for custody.
As someone who has spent the last many years helping subsidize a BM who won't even try for her own benefit, this won't get better and there isn't anything you can do to make it better. You can throw money into a sink hole and all it's going to do is swallow it up.
So, go the formal custody route. Document everything you can. Hire an attorney/solicitor. Do what you can to get SD into a better environment.
And by "you", I really mean your DH/BF. He needs to be driving this forward. You can support him emotionally and be encouraging, but this is his kid. He needs to take the bulls by the horn and end these shenanigans. Coming up with a mutually beneficial agreement won't happen because he and BM aren't playing the same game.
Thank you
Im just trying to support him. I did the cleaning so he could spend time with his daughter. I just want him to go to court so I know my SD is safe with us.
WHAT are you doing? Stop
WHAT are you doing? Stop cleaning her home.
Don't step foot in it ever again.
Since bm has primary custody of your husbands child (NOT YOUR KID)---it is unlikely a Judge will change that over to dad.
Undies falling a part will likely result in dads cs going up ---Soooo, don't bring it up. Have nice clothing and cute new undies at your house---it STAYS at your house too. Do not send clothing back to moms house, ever.
Next, if the home is gross--how gross is it. Dishes in sink, piles of clothing, unmade beds? Over all crap everywhere ?
OR dog/cat droppings? Smell of cat urine? Unclean litter boxes...dog poop or dog tinkle pads all over the place? No electric? No running water? Infested with roaches, fleas? Unable to walk thru---think show hoarders? IF these, call cps.
Miss,,,moms don't loose custody unless their arms are behind their back in handcuffs. And then, it is short lived. They will get their kids back.
Get into court, oppose her move and ask for 50 50 residential custody split right down the middle. Week on week off. JMO
UK
I think here in the uk it's a little different. But because we live so far away a court will pick one parent or the other, we can't do a 50 50 split. None of us drive. We catch the train up there every time. We spend a good £500 just to visit.
I'm confused. In another post
I'm confused. In another post you were very upset with him because he won't do a paternity test, and suspect this is not his child - but now you want full custody?
None of what you wrote will get you full custody EXCEPT them leaving SD alone for an hour, but that, you have to be able to prove. Did you guys call Child Protective when you heard that? If not, it won't look good to bring it up now.
I personally would not waste money on trying to get full custody. Isn't the UK fairly woman-biased? I would, however, go to court and request a paternity test and a formal court order.
Money
Based on our income the court process is free. In another post we also stated that a private dna test will be done before the court hearing. If negative, we withdraw and sort things out. If positive, we move forward.
In my husband's eyes, that's still his daughter. But he knows he needs the test.
Call CPS.
Call CPS.
Dont ever enter her home again or speak to her.
Disengage and realize that SD is Not your child
let your DH figure it out.
I would get social services
I would get social services involved.
We did
They got involved, had a go at BM and told her to sort her shit out.
Things are slightly better. But not great. I think we're going ahead with court.
Unfortunately here in the UK
Unfortunately here in the UK SD living conditions would not even registrar on Social Services radar. As bad as her living conditions are along as her very basic living conditions are being met then the home would be deemed as 'okay'.
I would if possible ask your DH to contact DD school and speak to the family workers and explain DD living conditions and home life are and may be they can work with BM and SD to improve their home life.
Cafcass
My husband got a call from them this morning. They've set up a meeting with BM, court is still going ahead. I don't think my husband wants to stop court as much as he says he does.
I just know this will cause problems, BM is going to have a go and maybe even cut contact, again.
Definitely file for custody.
Definitely file for custody. That poor kid is being neglected, badly. What kind of parent leaves their child for an hour, and makes them sleep in a piss soaked bed?!
Crazy BM
The bed smelled like piss, it wasn't wet. So SD had wet the bed and BM hadn't changed the sheets or anything.
This is why I did what I could when I went round theirs. As long as we're there, SD wil not live like that. My husband couldn't believe it when I told him.
I put the duvet straight in the wash and sorted out SDs bedroom. It was a mess.
There was crap everywhere. My daughter was about 11 months old and puts everything in her mouth so I had to clean up for both the girls.
BM just complained. But I made sure SD had a clean bed to sleep in and a clean place to play.
From your words I am thinking
From your words I am thinking you are in the UK. (We never use Hoover for a vacuum.)
I do not know how the system works where you are but here, in the US, the school are called mandated reporters as our doctors and social workers and counselors and parents can report to social services If a child appears in danger. I am surprised the school has not if the child is ill clothed and smells like piss. (Years ago I was a teacher, and that would have gotten me a reprimand from my administrator In the event, I did not tell the administration. ) Is this child goes to any counselor or any program? If they notice it, they should be reporting it. If you happen to ever be in BMs Home again? I would take pictures. I would also be making it as a video walking through the house talking to your phone. It's very effective in court my daughter just did it with her ex-husband. If your husband is going to take this to court, his lawyer/ soliciter should be aware of the conditions in the house & a video such as that would help substantially. As well what is the food situation because of the houses like that I imagine the food is not too great either. I would definitely want to know if the parent that the child lives with is involved in illegal substances as well. In this country, the child would be interviewed by social services /or Child protection services. (Whatever you call it there ) and the child is generally appointed (in my state anyway) a law guardian if they're old enough. Here, a law guardian is a bit of a lawyer and a bit of a social worker - and they can visit the home that the child lives in if one parent make a complaint against the other. I had to do it with own my ex-husband when my BD lived with him as he let her run wild, and he lived in a house, the drug addicts and dealers lived downstairs, and even though it was a nice suburban area. That was the end of her living there. (that was her rebel streak of two months in high school)
Your SD deserves a clean house, clean clothes, and a loving environment, with her BD or (God forbid ) this BM. It does not have to be the fancier house; my BD has a small house and a husband and SK's, while her ex has a large new house and no one else but the boys. My BD is judged the stable home & the parent of record even though they split custody ;she gets to make the rules.