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Today may be THE day...ADVICE WELCOME!

..serenity..'s picture

Submitted by ..serenity.. on Tue, 09/06/2011 - 4:16am

Less than a year into this relationship and SO and I are supposed to get the key to our shared domocile today. :jawdrop:
Things have gone so fast with us -sped up by a welcomed, but unforseen little one on the way. All of a sudden it's looking like I'm going to be SM to 4 skiddos - SS2, 5, 14 and SD 14 (two different BM and SD14 is his adopted SD) on top of being pregnant with my first.
I am so used to being an adult on my own, doing my own thing and now, I've seriously tied my wagon to this fella. No one's perfect, butI'm glad that he's thoughtful and supportive and communicative and doesn't expect me to jump into this SM deal...but the whole thing trips me out.
I currently live in a home that I own, but there's no way that I'd want to even attempt fitting that many folks in here, even if it is just every other week...so we're renting a 5 bedroom and splitting the rent.
I guess we'll see how this all goes. I'm really glad I found this website before I got in too deeply and felt completely turned around. I'm allergic to drama and I can already feel the hives come up from BM#2 psychodrama.
Thanks to everyone who comes here for support and to offer it in kind.
I've read and learned tons on here already, but if there is anything thing that you wish you'd known ahead of time...what would it be?

Comments

sonja's picture

Submitted by sonja on Tue, 09/06/2011 - 6:52am

Oh goodness good luck, I know the feeling of your personal space all of a sudden getting smaller and smaller in matter of seconds.. lol.

number 1 on the new place together RULES RULES RULES! Agreed upon between you and SO before the skids come in/over to the new place. I took our new house together as the time to establish new rules *from the beginning*! We had lived together in my 1br for awhile (his sd was 18mo when we met) and we just moved into a house this yr, SD is almost 4. Thats when I said no eating in the living room/no cups outside the kitchen/our bedroom is no kids/etc.. And its even ok if some arent negotiable that you must put your foot down on. (mine being my personal space.. the master bath and room are NOT for sd).

Not sure how far along you are.. but Im sure youve read that one of your own is SO different than a skid.. as much as people like to use the 'love them like your own'..often I question whether thats possible, I thought I loved SD.. I had no idea about the mom/baby bond till I had my own. Dont ever feel like you have to love them the same.. you dont, they have two parents themselves. (I even felt guilty about how much in love I am with my own, when BM can be such a piece).

anywho, stay strong, put your foot down on issues you feel strongly about, we know its easier to be friends with skids, but they need to always know that this is your house as well, and your voice and rules DO matter. good luck!

newbiemommy's picture

Submitted by newbiemommy on Tue, 09/06/2011 - 8:49am

This is exactly what happened to me! I agree set boundaries from the get go! Give yourself some alone time. ESPECIALLY when your own gets here!! Don't stress so much about the step mom role as much as soaking up every minute with your little one and being a mom first and foremost. You only have this opportunity once so try not to get stressed and enjoy that new baby! Make sure you make it clear from the jump that these aren't your kids or your responsibility. Take care of you and yours. Smile Congrats and good luck!

sonja's picture

Submitted by sonja on Tue, 09/06/2011 - 1:33pm

Oh and other advice.. since I know Im not alone on this one.. when that baby comes demand initial time alone at home with him/her. I heard 'sd wants to see her baby brother'. NO I wish I had demanded that we get to have some time at home adjusting to OUR new baby before skids come over cause then its all about them and the baby.

I was a total mess when I arrived home. (emotional mess) and the last thing I wanted was SD looking at me like Im crazy. Hormones go crazy and I certainly wanted my FDH's full attention to help me (not be taking care of another, that should be taking care of herself)and not be busy 'entertaining' her.

..serenity..'s picture

Submitted by ..serenity.. on Tue, 09/06/2011 - 4:44pm

Oh....this is good stuff! Thanks so much to everyone!
Keep it coming!

I'm glad to hear that it sounds like communication and consistancy with boundaries are the tops because that's what I naturally think it should be (tough as that is sometimes!)

I'm also glad to find out that it's okay not to force love for someone else. I'm naturally someone who's not overly keene on kids but I felt like because I love their dad, I have to love them as much as he does. I WANT to, so I hope that will come...but it helps me to understand that they won't immediately love me either (and may never) and that's okay.

Thanks so much again!