This definitely falls under the “personal blog” category (and is a bit long), but I thought I’d share because a) I kind of need to say it all out loud, and b) maybe some part of it will make sense to someone else too and in some way be helpful.

Well the six-month storm appears to be subsiding a bit with SS15... of course it could erupt again at any moment but it’s looking pretty good right now. Still not sure what lead to the change and while I’m not one to look a gift horse in the mouth I have to wonder a bit what happened. I’ll probably never really know (do you ever really know what goes on in a 15 year old brain?), but as long as things are better I decided I’d put some thought into how to keep it that way. Here’s the underlying epiphany I came up with, it’s not even about SS’s attitude, it’s entirely about my own.

Back to the subject line – Realistic Expectations.

I’ve been SO frustrated over the last couple of years with him because he doesn’t have the qualities or behaviors I’d expect in a kid. He doesn’t have any sense of responsibility, he doesn’t understand that it’s good to help other people, his communication skills are entirely lacking and he doesn’t understand that you have to work to get things you want. I’m frustrated because every day I see dozens of ways that the lack of these basic qualities manifests itself... to quote myself, “how is it even possible that a 15 year old doesn’t know this stuff???”. Well, it’s possible because he was raised by the psycho BM who expected and taught none of these qualities or behaviors. I know that intellectually, and I know I can’t excuse everything but I also can’t approach him with that “what the hell is wrong with you” tone as much as I probably do and expect him to respond. And I know I do that, sometimes even when I don’t mean to.

So what I have to do (because apparently I’m the grown up now, when did that happen?) is try to teach these qualities without being frustrated with him all of the time. I can’t teach him anything if he doesn’t listen to me because all I do is nag. So for a little while at least if there are dirty socks laying around in the living room I can deal with that (luckily his dad is good about helping). If it doesn’t occur him to help the little old neighbor lady carry her groceries in, it’s not that he’s defective, I’ll just say hey, let’s go help her, that would be nice. He’s not going to bring home A’s and B’s – he’s just not that kid, so I’ll praise a C without the needling little “but you can do better”. It isn’t realistic to expect that I can waltz in here starting when he’s 11 and change him into the kid I would have raised, especially in 4 days a month. Maybe if I just back off a little and accept him for who he is we’ll continue a good relationship and I will have a chance to influence him. Otherwise we could spend the next few years barely tolerating each other and THAT would be no fun for anyone. Realistic expectations… then again I could be right back here next week venting again!!