Letting go of my SD10
Hey guys.
Well, long story short I am now divorced.
I put divorce on the table some time ago, we were already in therapy at this point. (Ex has had health issues for about 4 years and lost his job and been on disability for 2 years but is no longer following drs advice to improve his health)
Basically for me too much resentment had built up and after nearly 2 years of working full time, paying for full time daycare (ex didnt feel safe alone with DD), paying for a cleaner (ex felt cleaning was too physically demanding), trying to manage our budget (ex wouldnt help as it made him feel bad that he couldnt financially contribute more), grocery shopping and cooking (effort I guess). I made it crystal clear that I loved him but I would not live in such an unequal partnership and so long as he recognised it wasnt ok and actively worked to try to reestablish some equality i would stand by him.
At the end of May he decided it wasnt worth the effort. Within 24 hours I made a video appointment with a lawyer, gave him 4 weeks to move out and 5 weeks after the day he told me he wanted to divorce, we were legally divorced.
We made our own custody agreement for DD2, no overnights with ex. The current agreement can be changed if ex returns to work, but either way we have to make a new agreement when shes 5. (The idea is to build up to alternate weekends with her dad.)
I am fine, DD2 is doing great.
But, when it comes to my exSD10, it's tough. She was 2.years old when I met her, I have told her she doesnt loose her place in my heart because of her dads choices. I have told her shes always welcome in my house, and she keeps in touch via WhatsApp.
At the moment my ex comes to the house for his visitation, from january he will be taking DD2 and building the time up at this new GFs house. (Supposedly nothing between them when we were married but 2 weeks after he moved out they were in a relationship, so yeah, whatever). So as of January I will not be seeing my exSD10 unless its actively arranged.
My ex feels its inappropriate to have exSD10 sleep over at my house as he wants her to adjust to the new arrangement. (Ex lives with a friend but doesnt want to take DD there, but SD basically spends her time with her dad between where he is living and with the new girlfriend)
My ex only sees exSD10 alternate weekends and alternate wednesdays. I work full time so it's going to have to be a once a month or two that exSD10 can potentially come to me for dinner or something.
I want to, exSD10 says she wants to but is that going to cause more harm than good?
Is there anyone else that has kept contact with stepchildren after divorce?
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Comments
Wow your ex is a turd, he is
Wow your ex is a turd, he is so afraid of being alone with his own kids that he recruited a new GF right away to babysit for him. What a freaking coward. He's got an excuse for everything doesn't he?
I don't have experience here but I would try to keep a relationship open with SD through WhatsApp. I would encourage her to have a relationship with your DD. It's true she needs to get used to the new arrangement though. Maybe you should reach out to BM and let her know SD is free to call you whenever she wants to and if she ever wants to see you and DD then BM can be comfortable reaching out to you directly. In the end how custody time is spent is up to your ex but the relationship between you, DD and SD doesn't have to be set by a court. I'd reach out to BM independently.
Unfortunately BM has never
Unfortunately BM has never spoken a single word to me in the 7 years I was with my ex. They very much practice parallel parenting and have no contact with one another.
However she does recognise how important DD is to SD, BM did ask ex if SD could come to me without him in order to see more of DD but at that moment ex was not a fan of the idea.
BM is moving soon and ironically I will then be the closest to SDs school so I do think it will be possible in the future for SD to pop in as she pleases. But given the lack of past communication I am reluctant to attempt to reach out right now, specifically with all the changing corona rules.
Thank you though, I agree this is probably the best way to go.
Soon (6 years) she can go where she wants
I'd keep contact, if SD also wants it, by WhatsApp. Maybe the connection will last, maybe not. My ex was a deadbeat dad who seldom saw the kids, often flaked off when he did say he would see them (traumatic to DS). I heard how he teally loved them, how I was keeping them from him and all kinds of garbage. Presto chango, when the oldest turned 16 and got his license, then it was up to the kids when and if they saw him, perfect.
My DH has had a few
My DH has had a few stepfathers. The first one raised him from about 8 to 14. DH saw his father regularly during those years, but says it was his stepfather who spent more time with him and did more to form him. After his mother and stepfather divorced he had a relationship with SF, often from quite a distance as he and his mother moved out of state. He hasn't lived in the same town as SF in almost 20 years, but they communicate regularly and on the rare occasions when we get back to his hometown, we always go visit his stepfather. The stepparent/stepchild bond can be strong, as this one was, and with a little effort, it can continue. DH's mom only had kids with DH's father, so there are no half-siblings involved; the relationship is just with SF, and DH and SF just genuinely like each other. FWIW, DH didn't care for stepfather #2, and views stepfather #3 as his mother's husband, as he was an adult when #3 came into the picture.
All of that is to say, I think trying to keep the channels of communication open is a good idea.
I can't get past the idea of
I can't get past the idea of a grown man being scared to be alone with his toddler ... How pathetic.
In his defence it's from his
In his defence it's from his health problems. He can and does randomly faint/collapse and loose consciousness. It's so far only happened when hes tired but due to his sleeping disorder he is often tired. It happened once when DD was a baby, he was feeling a bit tired but not awful but collapsed on his way upstairs to get her from naptime.
The potential risk scared us both, so I personally am going to listen for as long as he feels it's too risky.