new .....need some support in letting go
I found this site several months ago and have felt so validated reading through past posts. Bought StepMonster and read through it in one sitting. Just wish I had all of this information 18 years ago when I met DH.
Impossible to give all background, but will try to give highlights. Have BS20,S14 with DH, SD22. My DH has had no contact with SD22 for 5 years. He and BM shared custody, BM in many chaotic relationships while SD growing up. SD often chose to be in our home more.Chose to be with us for all holidays and all of her b-days.She was a very challenging child. Entitled, full of drama and a pathological liar. Like many of you, I always thought love could conquer all. I was the 1 that mothered her...main contact with schools, helped with homework,took care of medical and dental appointments, encouraged her to participate in activities,etc...At 17yrs old things came to a crisis point. We discovered she had been living a dual life (with BM's support), and had been lying to us for several years. When she was suppose to be with BM, she was staying with different boys, she was using drugs, even had a relationship with a 40 yr old man that BM introduced her to. She had been spreading terrible lies about us and our boys.Back then I finally told my DH she could not stay with us anymore. I did not want her around our sons, and I did not want her to have access to our house when we were at work. He supported me. Ever since, she has played the victim. You would think we had made her live in the basement and only fed her bread and water, when in fact she was always the center of attention and could do no wrong in the eyes of DH. We found out shortly after she left, that she and BM had already notified the school that she was planning on living with BM full-time.My DH did get court ordered counseling to address the dangerous behaviors. BM never showed up and SD only a couple of times. Because she was already 17, the court order was not possible to enforce.
Fast forward...SILs and DHs parents never wanted to hear any details. SILs sat in judgement and accused us of being horrible parents and that we should understand that all teens have "tough" times and just show unconditional love. They would have little to do with us, stopped acknowledging our sons, ie no cards for b-days etc.Despite the sorrow, life in our home after SD left improved dramatically. We all had been walking on egg shells for so long without realizing it. DH apologized for having been in denial for so long. He has tried over the years to contact SD. She made it clear to him that she would not have any relationship with him unless he divorced me. His last e-mail to her 2 years ago, told her he loved me was never divorcing me, that if she wanted to see him, she could contact him. DH has dealt with all of this better than me.The day after my elderly father died last summer, my SIL sent a mean-spirited letter to our joint e-mail to my DH, basically saying that now I will know what it is like not to have a father like SD.DH sent back an e-mail letting SIL know how inappropriate and unacceptable her e-mail was and set her strait about some of the "details".
Most of the time I'm ok and grateful that I do not have these toxic people in my life...especially SD! Our sons are happy, loving and successful. But sometimes this black cloud sinks over me and I can't stop thinking about how mean and unjust SILs and SD have been and regret all the time and love I gave to my SD when she was growing up.Please advise on how to purge these evil people from my thoughts and once and for all Let this go.
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I guess it was the holidays
I guess it was the holidays that sent me searching on the computer for stepmother's stories. This past Christmas was sad for us, the 1st 1 without my Dad. My 2 sons were very close to him. Grieving him has just brought up my grief around my SD and DHs family's total lack of support. So difficult sometimes to be judged so unfairly.Most of the time I can see this situation for what it is. In fact, most of the time I'm so grateful to the Universe for removing these people from our lives.I do believe in Karma, but when I have that black cloud over me, I grow impatient for justice! As my sister often tells me "Living well is the best revenge". My life is SO much better without all of their drama. My sons have a bright future ahead of them. My DH is a loving husband and father.So what is my problem???I regret having been a fool.I loved my SD and just could not believe her betrayal and how quickly my in-laws were to jump to her side. I also just feel so angry that my sons have had to deal with fall out and I almost feel like I set them up, by allowing my SD to live in our home all those years. I feel like I sacrificed them for her. That said, they are kind and well adjusted, so SD's drama's probably gave them valuable life lessons.
I know time heals all wounds...I guess I just need more time! Thank you for your posts!
We've had to deal with the
We've had to deal with the same thing from SD17. She's with BM fulltime now, and is not welcome for visits. Not that she would want to visit, unless she thought there were gifts involved. Don't worry about what others think/say about the situation. They didn't live it. They do not have all the details, nor do they want to know all the details (or they'd have talked to you about it, instead of only listening to her).
You are so right about
You are so right about predicting outcomes. The BM had an affair and became pregnant when SD was 1. She left DH with SD. BMs mother's best friend adopted baby and he would come and "visit" for 2 weeks every summer. (Could I even make this up?). BM ended up marrying this guy. He left her 7 years later and has been in and out of jail for various crimes and for the past 2 years has been wanted by federal authorities for internet fraud. BM is with husband #3, but is always on the prowl, has a significant substance abuse problem. As DH says, SD became her mother. She has a significant substance abuse problem, currently has a BF who served time in a state prison for homicide. All of this side of life is so foreign to us. We live so differently. Just typing this gives me a pit in my stomach. SD had a chance at a different life. DH was not with BM long. He feels tremendous guilt for ever getting involved with her. He thought he could "save "her.
I so appreciate everyone's input and kind words. I go for weeks at a time feeling happy and fine and then wham, I'll have a day that gets to me. Thank God it passes quickly. I just am looking forward to having MONTHS at a time when I don't think about this.Most days I can have a sense of humor too. DH and I have the most outrageous stories about BM and SD...I would think someone was telling tall tales if I was told them!
Thank you Finey! So glad I
Thank you Finey! So glad I found this site. Make's it worthwhile being part of "The StepMother's Club"!Hugs back!
I think when it's family you
I think when it's family you may always have times of reflection and regret that it turned out that way, especially when you did your best. I am not speaking to either of my sisters right now. One is really mentally ill, the other a user. I have days when I "review" the situation. It seems so needless, doesn't it? But some people are selfish and sick and there is no choice but to let them go. The interfering SIL thing is too much, isn't it? I dealt with that too, about our marriage. I'm sure she's got her issues that are at play here. Well-balanced people don't meddle in other people's families. We are still in contact with DH's 2, both have acted like juvenile delinquents and DH can't believe they are his kids. "I didn't raise them like that." It could have gone the way of yours very easily. There was a lot of animosity towards DH before the divorce (he was the disciplinarian) and after, he was the enemy who was "screwing mom over" and I was the "homewrecker." BM of course fed into it.
You did a very loving and beautiful thing by taking care of her all those years. Maybe someday she'll wake up. "While there's life there's hope", right?
Over the past few years, I have seen such a deterioration in people and families. Either I just woke up to it or people really are going nuts. So much meanness and narcissism and selfishness and destructive behavior.
I think one way to remove the
I think one way to remove the cloud is to realize, we have all had horrible things said to us by our skids. I used to not be able to get over that BM called me a devil worshipper and that I was a bad mother to my own children.
Now that you know the source of this is a hateful, lying dual-life living piece of BM clone, you can realize that you did your best to be a good mom. sd was beyond the point of changing her character, because it is formed when she was very young.
You have to take away that you did the best you could and for that you got a big hit on the comment about your father. How low does this child have to stoop to hurt you? She is hurt herself and wants you to feel that pain. She needs a target and you're the easiest one to blame. You don't deserve it and it wasn't right. Vent it out safely and go on with the confidence that you are a good person.