What are you up to, BM?
So, last Friday BM sends SO a text saying that if he doesn't start paying for SKs cell phones and car insurance, that she is going to take him back to court.
Yesterday, she text him and asked if he would be willing to go to therapy with her and the kids. (She also says that maybe her DH and I can be bought into the therapy at a later date. Uhhhh...hell no. I'm disengaged, and sticking to it.)
We are both a little stunned. Is this a legal ploy? Has her attorney told her to do this? Or are they hoping to get a professional to tell him how horrible and evil I am and how he needs to choose his kids over me? Their marriage has been over for four years. And NOW the kids need counseling? Hmmmm....
SO believes that every move she makes, she has an ulterior motive, usually involving money. Should he consider counseling or not?
- savemysanity's blog
- Log in or register to post comments
Comments
She may be doing it so she
She may be doing it so she can prove how hard she's trying and make him look bad if he refuses. If she's anything like BM over here, there is definitely an ulterior motive.
See, that's one of my
See, that's one of my concerns. I believe counselors are only as good as their client's honesty. Which, the four of them are incapable of. Ahhhh....four more years and the youngest SK will graduate high school. Counting down the days. I can do this.
As for the cell phone, tell
As for the cell phone, tell her to go ahead and file the court papers.
As for the counseling, if she's willing to do it, I'd say go for it, but under certain conditions. It would need to be a counselor that is agreed upon. First session, everyone goes in to meet the therapist--no pre conditioning by BM. Everyone has open access to therapist as well as the records, and no contact with the therapist behind anyone's back. This needs to be agreed between the parties AND the therapist.
I highly, highly doubt BM would agree to these terms if she has an ulterior motive. And if, on the off chance she DOES agree, then therapy may be a good thing for everyone, especially the kids. You could even go in, and talk to the therapist about WHY you've disengaged.
This way is a win for you and your DH, and the kids. Either you win by agreeing to this BIOTC offer, under reasonable terms, therefore she can't run to the judge and tell them what terrible people you are. Or you win by getting therapy, which every blended family needs anyway.
I have told SO this is
I have told SO this is totally his decision to make. I will run these conditions by him and see what he thinks. Certainly sounds reasonable to me.
And yeah, the cell phone and car insurance....I know from my experience with my ex, when I asked my attorney if I could put anything in our agreement about cars, or car insurance for our three children, she told me there was no way in the world a judge would make him do anything like that, because cars for teenagers are "luxuries," not needs. I assume cell phones fall under the "luxury" category, too. SO told BM to do what she had to do. Funny thing is, the only change since they signed the agreement (that she and her attorney drew up), besides one of the kids turning 16, is that BM's income has increased by nearly 20%. Yeah, we'll see you in court.
That's what my gut is telling
That's what my gut is telling me, that there is no point in it. They never see any wrong that they do, and they have sucked SO dry. He has no more to give, financially, or honestly, emotionally. He asked me last night how many more times does he, I and my children have to forgive, let our guard down, only to be hurt again. I have no answer to that question, but I know he's not willing to put me through it. As a dad, I'm not sure what HIS decision will be, but he's truly beaten down at this point.
A good therapist will be able
A good therapist will be able to see through the lies and bs. Just like a good judge. Might take time, but as long as you are honest and forthcoming, the controlling/psycho/demanding/lying/high conflict parent can never hide their true colors forever.
Tog, I'm going with you on
Tog, I'm going with you on this. This afternoon has gotten VERY ugly. Neither SO nor I are going to tread there. She's crazy, and so are the kids.
Would I agree to
Would I agree to counseling/therapy with BM? No. I would consider co-parenting type sessions only if there was a need for BM/I to learn to communicate better necessary topics (not fighting in front of kids, not involving kids in court issues, not telling kids daddy is a horse's a$$ or mommy is a lazy worthless beep), in other words, to be able to civilly behave for the sake of the children and their individual relationships with each parent. I don't believe though that is what your BM is speaking of.
No counselor/therapist should agree to open his records of another person of topics discussed between him/her and the client. What is said to the counselor is private and confidential. It is then the therapist 'job' to carefully bring into discussion areas of concern and to have both people (or however many) to sit in session and speak to each other. No client is going to speak openly and honestly if client thinks therapist is going to hand transcripts over to opposite person. In fact in most cases it would be a breach of ethics.
If BM feels she needs to do therapy between herself and her children, encourage her to do so. If Dad feels he and the children would benefit from therapy sessions between himself and his children, he is capable of instigating the idea between children and himself minus BM. The idea of having big 'group' therapy as if they all are striving to be one big happy family determined to work things out as a intact family would is not something that should be occurring. Your DH is never going to do everything exactly the way BM things he should be parenting and vice versa, they are not parenting in the same home nor as a couple. The separate parents need to learn to parent on their own and build their individual relationships with their children. These sessions should not be about 'Dad makes me eat cabbage at his house and Mom says I shouldn't have to', or 'Mom thinks Dad is an a$$ because he doesn't think he should finance my cellphone, please make Dad understand it's important I have a cellphone'.