father's day bandwagon- sorry -long
ok I had a pretty frustrating father's day
friends please help me understand,
I decided to take my FH and his two younger biokids to dinner as a treat for Father'day. He is the NCP>
My thought was that since they really dont spend a whole lot of quality time together a nice dinner out would be a change of pace and a chance to catch up with them and have them enjoy time with their father who has to work a lot of hours and doesnt get to spend tons of time with them.
WRONG!!
we get to the restaruant sit down and his daughter gets a call even before our appetizers is served, then remains on the phone till about half way thru the rest of the meal, she finally gets off the phone then promptly starts texting, now the whole time I am biting my tongue keeping me from commenting to my FH about his daughter being on the phone during dinner, during father's day but hey if he doesnt seem to care why should I right?!!
Not only that but his youngest spends 3/4 of the dinner turned around watching one of the big screen tvs. and not once did FH ask them to turn around or get off the phone. I just feel like I wasted my time and money.
and I am dissappointed in FH for not asking them to spend time with us or just enjoying a dinner and some quality time with him
I DID not bitch about it, I paid the tab and we went home.
I WILL NEVER do that again.
IF my sons even dare take a call at dinner especially on Mother's day (which they wouldnt unless it was work or their dad) I would tell them to make it quick this was family time and or Mother's day.
all in all it was a very sad dinner for me but I guess I shouldnt have expected so much, when they come to our house they go off in to different rooms to play on Xboxes or myspace. when asked what is going on they give him about a two sentence synopsis.
oh well thanks for reading.
- sarahbernheart's blog
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Sarah - I'm so sorry for you
Sarah - I'm so sorry for you - my fiancee will also allow his kids to text at the dinner table and it drives me crazy. It's so rude!!
once again,
another SHINING example of spoiled, entitled rotten kids of divorce. monsters.
Just trying to be a Stepmom without getting Stepped On.
"Divorced Dad Guilt Syndrome"
Sarah,
I am so sorry you had a bad time yesterday and that your FH's children behaved badly. However...
It sounds like the real problem is that your FH is suffering from classic "Divorced Dad Guilt Syndrome". Symptoms include:
*failure to set limits/rules/consequences for bad behavior
*totally ignoring bad behavior
*overidulging children by bying them everything under the sun
(and more)
The outcome leads, sadly, to the ugly behaviors you described in your future SKids.
Fortunately, the problem IS correctable. Unfortunately, ONLY if your FH is WILLING to recognize that he has to change his parenting (or lack thereof).
I was right there with you! My DH was wallowing in this Divorce Guilt Crap. And his 3 daughters just got away with anything. Until I insisted on a counselor. And then we went to a Parenting Coach.
And then Dh realized that, "Gee- maybe I need to change my behavior to get them to start acting better!" WOW!
And then we implemented things like a "No-Phone Zone". So anytime one is put in place, no one is allowed to take a cell phone with them (like in the situation you described). If they do, they can CHOOSE to, but then there will be a consequense to their bad choice- 24 hrs without it. No screaming. No arguing. Next subject.
But you and your FH need to come to united front on this issue NOW- before your future husband becomes your permanent husband! If the kids see that you don't agree on things like this, YOU'RE going to be the one who is the bad guy going forward in all of these situations, and 'his little angels' will continue to do no wrong...
Like I said, I've been where you were. Good luck.
"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis
I know! Who Knew...
that such a person ever even existed! And we stumbled upon her quite by chance.
DH and I were doing the "therapy thing" for some time and I was thinking, "Ok this is getting no where. We have REAL problems and I need REAL solutions about how to handle the everyday stuff of life- the practical stuff. I don't need to talk about how my parents parented me for hours on end and how I got along woth my siblings! What a waste of time!"
And one day I was reading an article in local paper about some teenagers who got into trouble in our area (a big booze-fest at someone's home.) Well the cops were called and 50+ teens were arrested. Long story short- the parents were then up in arms because their precious 'babies' were treated badly by the big bad mean policemen...and now are SUING the local township! NOt punishing their drinking teens, instead suing those who are doing their jobs.
Well in this op-ed piece, the journalist contacted this 'Parenting Coach', a "no-nonsense straight-shooter" who works with parents ONLY to deal common mistakes parents make in raising their children, such as:
*setting clear rules and limits
*imposing consequenses and FOLLOWING THROUGH
*putting parents back in charge
*eliminating debates, tantrums and drama
And I have to tell you- it works!
Basically, her philosophy is best pictured like the parents as State Troopers in a traffic stop. Have you ever seen those TV images? The Trooper is calm, cool, and collected, explaining the situation and writing out the ticket. Meanwhile, the person in the car has totally lost control- screaming & hysterical- sometimes even ripping up the ticket! But through it all the Trooper remains calm & composed and just continues to write another ticket, and usually says something like, "I'm sorry sir, but you did break the law, and here's you're new ticket. Have a nice day!"
And the driver drives off and is PISSED! Because he knows what he did was wrong and is angry at himself. But the trooper drives off and is unfazed. Sometimes even laughing. All in a day's work for him.
And that's the attitude we have to adopt in this situation when the kids have lost control. They're the speeders. We're the troopers. And we have to impose the consequences when they break the law (or house rules)- without losing our cool.And it works like a charm.
In terms of finding one, we're in PA- near Philly. But I'm sure you can find someone who does the same type of thing in your area. I would highly recommend it- much more so than therapy. It saved our marriage!
"If you have never been hated by a child, you have never been a parent."
-Bette Davis