what to do to .....before (or if) I say..."I Do!"

Hello Everyone,

This is my first post and I am so glad to get everything out! First of all I am 29 with no children of my own. My boyfriend has two children, a 7 year old son and a 3 year old baby girl by two different women. We have been living together for 2 years and he has full custody of his son. The mother DOES NOTHING for the son at all. She doesnt call to check on him or help with anything in his life. I am playing the mom in his life and I am not even married to his dad yet!!! I have NEVER heard a "Thank you for all you do" or anything like that. Whenever there is something that the son needs, I am the go to person for it. I am the cook, the cleaner, the washer, the driver, the nurse, the baby sitter, the tutor, the EVERYTHING. When I first got in his life, he didnt know his numbers or ABCs and I have be helping him to realize how smart he really is. With us getting married, I want his mother on child support!! I feel like she should have to do something for her child. AS of today, she hasnt talked to her son in almost a year. Whenever my boyfriend calls or texts her, there is ALWAYS an excuse. But, when you look on her facebook page she is always going out and doing things. She makes me so sick to my stomach. I fell drained being a "mother" without the appreciation I think I deserve. Now the other child's mom is just money hungry, He pays cloase to 700 a month in child support but every week she needs more money and she has a HUSBAND. Thats a whole diffent blog.... but right now, Im not sure if I want to be a step mother. Im not sure if I want to marry this man. But he is a great man and he is an awesome dad. Should I ask for more appreciation? Im just not sure what to do to .....before (or if) I say..."I Do!"

sandersdawn's blog
Log in or register to post comments

Comments

^^THIS!!!^^ I made the same

^^THIS!!!^^ I made the same mistake in the beginning, trying to please my BF, now DH. Once I pulled back and disengaged for multiple awful reasons, I was a bitch, even though I was totally justified in my actions. Once you spoil a man by doing everything for them, they do not like it if you stop and then you end up miserable. I don't think it is negative to dissuade someone from pursuing this life, I think it is just honest, and I will honestly tell you, just like vickmeister, if I had known then what I know now I would have never married DH. Not a chance.

Could not agree more with all

Could not agree more with all of this. If SS needed more learning support and encouragement then his Dad was less than awesome if he didn't notice or do anything about it. If Dad is letting you take on too much responsibility for his home and children that is not really very awesome either.

OP is doing what so many of us have done, and putting in a level of effort which is not going to be sufficiently appreciated or understood. It's great that you are willing and able to help with his children, but if you do too much it will end up taken for granted and you will end up with a lot of resentment which could be very damaging to your relationship. I had exactly the same experience of years of effort backfiring when SS became a teenager. I wish more than anything that I had been a pleasant but far less involved stepparent. Or not become a stepparent at all.

, Im not sure if I want to

, Im not sure if I want to marry this man. But he is a great man and he is an awesome dad
I think the "BUT" that joins these two statements tells the whole story. You are not ready.

Not trying to be a Debbie Downer, but you have a LONG haul ahead of you, your skids are young. These piece of crap BMs are not going to go away, they are not going to change. I also, have 2 BMs and it sucks the big one. Fortunately for me my skids are almost 15 and almost 14, so I have an end in sight. I will tell you though that in the 5 years that DH and I have been together (dated 2, married 3) There have been quite a few times that leaving seriously crossed my mind and EVERY.SINGLE.TIME it was BM/skid related.

Best of luck to you, I hope that whatever you decide that it leads you to a happy place... for YOU!

> You should NOT be doing

> You should NOT be doing everything for HIS son. Let him take responsibility for producing offspring.

> The EX wife should be paying child support. You cannot make her spend time with the child but she should be required by the state to pay cs.

What is SO's excuse for not holding her accountable/responsible? Because he is not being responsible with his son? He is letting you take all the responsibility for his child!

> He should pay the court ordered amount of Child Support and/or medical bills and that is it.

If he is going to continue to give the EX wife extra money the rest of her life do you want to live with him? I wouldn't!

My advice would be to start pulling back and let him take some responsibility and be acountable for the extra money he is forking out.

If he doesn't like it and throws a fit I would leave!

If you are not sure, don't go

If you are not sure, don't go through with it.

"Marry in haste, repent at leisure."

You should not be doing

You should not be doing anything. It is his kid. He needs to step up. He needs to sue for CS. As for what you should do, I can't tell you not to marry him, since no one ever listens becuase they are in love, but you need to set some boundaries and for pete's sake get a pre-nup. Also, read the disengaging essays. You are doing too much for children that you are not even a stepmom to.

Too much to fast, breeds resentment.Not a great place to start a marriage. Also, everything was great for me after dating for years and once we married all hell broke loose. My warning is be very sure...

This is hard! I feel as some

This is hard! I feel as some of the above statements say the "but" says it all. Your def not seemingly ready to get married, and have a lot of questions still that need to be addressed in the relationship. There is no hurry!

BM isn't going away I've learned that; unfortunately she will probably just get bitterer, and worse as time goes on. When my fiancé’s kids lived with us I did a lot for them too. If I was off work I helped with homework or getting them off to school. Mom things. That's just part of it, I think. My SO always thanked me though, and showed appreciation for what I did for his kids. You can't start a married when you’re already half resenting him for not doing that with you. You need to have a serious heart to heart, and about boundaries, and expectations of him and from you.

As far as the other BM not paying CS she needs to be taken to court and that worked out or she needs to or sign over her parental rights if she doesn’t want to have anything to do with the child. Just my opinion. There wouldn’t be any extra cash given out. If the child wants\needs something then the item can be bought for the child IE: Toy’s or clothes, not cash given to the BM for her to spend on who knows what!

If you start going after the

If you start going after the mom for child support she might start actually being more in your business and talking to your boyfriend more and trying to turn the son against you. The more she feels like his mom the more she'll get prickly if she views you as replacing her or being a better mom than her. You might thank your stars that you don't have to deal with a low life immature brat or a psycho jealous ex. She could make your life much more stressful. Although, maybe you'll be lucky and she'll roll over and let you take her money and not even do anything back.

As far as doing the work goes, "Don't do anything for someone in the beginning that you wouldn't be happy doing for the rest of your life." Take it away and they'll be mad that you changed. Might even feel tricked.

I think you should have an honest talk with your man about what you want as far as duties and the distribution of labor in the household. Burnout is fairly normal. Ask for help and he'll probably want to. If you attack him then he'll probably get defensive and if you act out passive aggressively he'll get annoyed. So just be as straight forward as possible.

Being a step parent is hard. I think childless people would be happiest dating other childless people and those with children already dating those with children already.

As a step, you will never

As a step, you will never feel that you are appreciated the way you should be, and BM could walk back into the picture today and those children would RUN to her, trampling you on the way.....HOWEVER..that does not mean that you are not important to those children or your family. I know it sucks having to be the mom when no one else will fill the role. It's like you are pressured into it because if you just sit there and do nothing you look, and feel, like a huge bitch. I have a 7yr old skid too who has a mother that is in and out of the picture..mostly out. I have felt all of the things you feel, and still do. I've been married for 2 years now and still struggle every day with my feelings towards skid and my role in her life. She does see me as a mom though, even if I know that I am not her mom..even if I don't want to really be her mom, even if she would step on me in a second to get to her real mom, she loves me and needs me in her life. The small sacrifice of "playing mom" is not a lot compared to the reward of a happy and functioning family around me. I struggle every day though.

Also, think very hard about CS. I felt EXACTLY the way you did and I convinced my husband to petition her for support. Huge mistake. She counter petitioned for custody and actually WON half custody because she has a vagina. Sure enough though, she went back to her ways and ended up in jail and kid ended up with us full time again anyway. Now my husband is still tangled in the mess of court dates and appointments to "decide" who should get custody...as if there needs to be a decision at this point, but anyway! Feel free to msg me any time, Im sure we have a lot we could talk about!

Life with other people's kids suck no matter how you look at it. In reality though, you have the better end of the stick with BM being out of the picture.