Your Kids Should Not Be The Most Important
Have any of you ever read this incredible article by John Rosemond called "Your Kids Should Not Be The Most Important In The Family"
I saw it circulating Facebook and had to share!
"I recently asked a married couple who have three kids, none of whom are yet teens, "Who are the most important people in your family?"
Like all good moms and dads of this brave new millennium, they answered,
"Our kids!"
"Why?" I then asked "What is it about your kids that gives them that status?" And like all good moms and dads of this brave new millennium, they couldn't answer the question other than to fumble with appeals to emotion.
So, I answered the question for them: "There is no reasonable thing that gives your children that status."
I went on to point out that many if not most of the problems they re having with their kids — typical stuff, these days — are the result of treating their children as if they, their marriage, and their family exist because of the kids when it is, in fact, the other way around. Their kids exist because of them and their marriage and thrive because they have created a stable family.
Furthermore, without them, their kids wouldn't eat well, have the nice clothing they wear, live in the nice home in which they live, enjoy the great vacations they enjoy, and so on. Instead of lives that are relatively carefree (despite the drama to the contrary that they occasionally manufacture), their children would be living lives full of worry and want. This issue is really the heart of the matter. People my age know it's the heart of the matter because when we were kids it was clear to us that our parents were the most important people in our families.
And that, right there, is why we respected our parents and that, right there, is why we looked up to adults in general. Yes, Virginia, once upon a time in the United States of America, children were second-class citizens, to their advantage.
It was also clear to us —I speak, of course, in general terms, albeit accurate — that our parents' marriages were more important to them than their relationships with us. Therefore, we did not sleep in their beds or interrupt their conversations. The family meal, at home, was regarded as more important than after-school activities. Mom and Dad talked more — a lot more — with one another than they talked with you. For lack of pedestals, we emancipated earlier and much more successfully than have children since.
The most important person in an army is the general. The most important person in a corporation is the CEO. The most important person in a classroom is the teacher. And the most important person in a family are the parents.
The most important thing about children is the need to prepare them properly for responsible citizenship. The primary objective should not be raising a straight-A student who excels at three sports, earns a spot on the Olympic swim team, goes to an A-list university and becomes a prominent brain surgeon. The primary objective is to raise a child such that community and culture are strengthened.
"Our child is the most important person in our family" is the first step toward raising a child who feels entitled.
You don't want that. Unbeknownst to your child, he/she doesn't need that. And neither does America."
- Rose_Pedal's blog
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Comments
Absolutely true.
Absolutely true.
Kids are not and should never be the priority in a marriage. The marriage and the partners are each other's sole priority. Period. Dot.
Kids, are the top adult responsibility.
Two very different things.
One thing my/our parents made crystal clear was that my brother and I should never put them in the position of having to choose between them and us.
Something that children should always have presented as front and center by their parents. Parents who put children first, suck at parents adn as mates.
IMHO of course.
Yes!
Absolutely true!
Some people do not want to believe their precious angels would be willing or able to manipulate them or turn parents against each other for their benefit.
They do.
Good for your parents!
Yep - this is well written
Yep - this is well written and correct. I've been seeing this slide for years in families - I recently was attacked by a SKID and he rallied a couple others too because I am NOT making them the focus of my life. This lesson above would be true if they were kids but now we've got entitled adult SKIDs who have even less reason to set these expectations. They feel perfectly fine telling me what to say, how to say it and the content of the message - pretty wild right? Told it straight to DH and was told to send that command to me. I can't even imagine if I did that to my parents, I probably would not exist.
Been there!
And your job will never be to have these SKIDS be the center of your world! Good for you for standing your ground.
SD12 has shown visible discomfort and a pouty/mopey attitude when she isn't the center of the attention of eveyone around her. Too bad. Sorry that for 8 years (before I came into the picture) no one reinforced this kind of structure in her life but she's gonna learn soon. It's an easier lesson to learn the earlier parents teach it. The real world won't be so nice.
Yeah...go out into the wide
Yeah...go out into the wide open world and see where that gets her. Watch out that she doesn't turn into a covert narcissist...hiding behind her victimhood and social awkwardness to try to get what she wants.
I remember being a young
I remember being a young parent and the advice was "put the kids first" and "the most important thing is that they are happy!" They lied. The more you try to make a toddler happy, the more they fuss and whine. I figured it out after a while but no thanks to the professionals, celebrities, and well-meaning friends who gave me advice.
ETA no celebrity actually gave me personal advice lol, but what was on TV and in the movies was not good life advice.
They sure did lie.
You're correct that they could have been totally well meaning but this is such damaging advice.
Parents are raising absolutely helpless kids by making their main focus "making the kids happy!"
Its damaging.
And if you're a single parent
And if you're a single parent who whose kids are the most important thing, fine. That's a commendable decision. But stay out of the dating pool. Don't selfishly inflict your baggage on a gf or bf who will be expected to always come last. That's just selfish.
Can I get an Amen?!
Can I get an Amen?!
OMG YES!
This right here! ^^^
I would absolutely never want to be with a person who openly states that "no matter what someone else will always come before you!"
News flash! A person can still be a great parent and maintain boundaries, structure and discipline with their children while being able to have their own life and partner. A parents can't pour from an empty cup!
One day their child will grow up and move on to have their own life with their own partner.
The irony is the adult child
The irony is the adult child who does this and moves on with their own family will do just that move on AND will still expect their parents/Stepparents to see them as the center of the universe and their golden children as well. The adult stepchild /child will still believe your life is less and more disposable and should be poured into theirs even though they do not fill up your cup at all- not even with a thank you or some gratitude, just complaining. The expectation is when they do choose to grace you with their presence that you roll out that red carpet for them and their family and again it's ALL on their terms and they have no idea that you have a life outside of them. Truly, no idea.
This is the #1 reason I left
This is the #1 reason I left my partner
His entire world centered around his kids (add to the mix him feeling divorced dad guilt, and his kids unconditional love for him feeding his fragile ego)
This would be cool IF he were single and the only person affected by this was himself. And many times it seemed like he operated like a single man bc he didn't want to "upset" his fragile "angels" by making them adapt to a new normal where they weren't proper onto imaginary pedestals he created in his mind.
A lot of day to day decisions were made by this dude based on what his kids wanted. Like wtf?!? They don't pay bills here so imo while their whims would be considered- at the end of the day decisions will be made by adults
It was as if they were the spouses and I was some outsider / side chick / mistress
Anytime I brought it up, I got yelled at and was accused of being a bad stepparent, a kid hater, jealous of his kids, etc.
I am a firm believer that if you marry well - marriage / spouse (or God if you're religious) comes first then the kid then extended family then friends then associates / everyone else
IMO a lot has to do with 1 in
IMO a lot has to do with 1 in 2 marriages ending in divorce and no one wants to be the bad guy. Which is all we read on here and it last well in to adult hood. Can't punish little jimmy for bad behavior because he won't want to to come here anymore... sprinkle in PAS and the forever control HCBMs want over their exs for all eternity.... and that equals a high percent of the entitlement in these kids and adults we see today.
And the drop in morals and everyone becoming so selfish.
Just wrote something right
Just wrote something right above what you wrote and hadn't read your comment yet. You are 100% correct, I agree.
So absolutely correct!
You are absolutley correct! So many divorces happen over this right here. A very perfect example I have of a by-prooduct of this scenario is a story about my DH. When I first met him, my SD12 (8 at the time) was still sleeping in his bed with him, EVERY NIGHT SHE WAS THERE. I told him this was entirely unacceptable and that I would not be in the picture if this continued. He did work hard on stopping this, I have to give him credit (although I should have never had to be the one to tell him this at 34 years old with an 8 year old.) And after talking through it he said, "Well you know how this all got started? Because Ex-Wife invited her to their bed every night because as long as she was in the room she never had to touch me and intamicy never happened."
Letting kids run the show and not putting your partner/marriage first is a recipe for disaster and unfortunaley a lot of us on here are liiving with the aftermath and conseqences. Its really hard sometimes. *aggressive*
So true!
My parents are and were awesome. They have one of the happiest, strongest marriages I've ever seen. My sisters and I were loved and cared for. My parents were not strict, but we respected them (and still do). They knew when to teach a lesson and when to break the rules and have fun. We felt secure.
At no time did we think we were the center of the family. If we showed signs of that, we were brought right back to reality.
There are a couple of very wise phrases I've heard over the years:
1) Good parenting is an act of kindness for one's neighbors.
2) If your child is always happy and never upset with you, you're doing it wrong.
BM definitely has a problem with SS13 ever being unhappy and DH falls into the trap at times. Though, thank goodness, he definitely puts our marriage first. ("Kids are supposed to grow up and move out. Then what?") As I've told him, the world doesn't think SS is a precious miracle. It will show him that, the earlier he learns he's not the center of the universe, the easier the lesson will be on him.
It’s ok if you are a married
Couple. These are your bio kids. You can devote your life to anything you want. Kids are the most important thing in your life. Some bio parents see thee kids as a reflection of themselves. Jimmy hit a home run. "[ look how great of a father I am ... look I gave him those baseball genes. " ]. Mother is happy because her son is happy. People are clapping for her son.
''The problem is. In a second marrage the non bio parent doesn't feel this way. It's not there genes. They get no emotional charge out of that home run. And the bio parent does not understand any of this.
'One of my big problems was I was jealous that my DW had time with her ex without kids. Months. That they could develop a different relationship. They could do whatever they wanted. They could just get up and go to mickeyD for a burger. I had to get a babysitter, make plans. In the end it cost more for the babbysitter and time then the happy meal. I just felt I could never get the relationship I wanted. Note BF never took visitations. Interfered with his drinking. And how could you let the kids go with a driver who was drinking.
I frequently want to bemoan
I frequently want to bemoan the child centric nature of our times (particularly bad here in the USA) when I read the posts on here.
My husband defiantly centers me and our relationship, and I am so appreciative of that. His saying is ..."I can make more children but I can't make another wife"
I'm his 3rd wife (luckily only had a kid with wife number 2) so he appreciates how good our relationship is compared to his other (much shorter) marriages.
Too many couples make the mistake of prioritising and making
Kids centre of their life. They forget once they turn 18 and become adults, they (well most of them) work towards independence, move out of home and start their own families. So if you only ever prioritise your kids, eventually when they move out, you realise you have nothing in common with your spouse anymore hence why divorces happen at this stage alot of times.
my husband knew even with his kids especially sd's being brainwashed by batshit crazy biomum & affair stepdad, if he catered and cowtowed to them at my expense, i'd be out the door (its only a matter of time) and then those sd's and skids he catered/cowtowed to despite them not making an effort to manage a relationship is for what? He knows they'd abandon him. So its just a power ploy game.
kids also learn from their surroundings how to behave in marriage. If mum and dad don't prioritise themselves, they enter marriage with same mindset most of the time so that recurring cycle never ends.
my parent's divorced when i was 20 and i was 17 when they separated and in last yr of high school. There was so much dysfunction, hot temper, pack of compromising etc. i at least recognised that and lucky didn't fall into that trap. I and my husband have that loving caring relationship and that transfers to our kids. Our family unit is the complete opposite of what i grew up with and i'm glad its different
I agree with this! My SO's
I agree with this! My SO's adult children are (unfortunately) reproducing and the cr*p they're posting about it on Facebook is really gross. Constantly posting about how THEIR children will always come first ahead of anyone. How their kids can live at home for free forever. How their kids will always be the center of their universe. They are extremely enmeshed with their children with very unhealthy codependency.
In kid centered relationships
In overly kid centered relationships- it's heavy on the enmeshment and codependency
I totally agree. If my SO
I totally agree. If my SO wasn't so kid centric he wouldn't be enmeshed with BM and our lives would be so much better. I am not a new poster I had to change my account. I am the one with the SS who has a sport every single day. Hope things are good for you Lillywy00. I may be leaving like you did in a few days.