Disengaged, Yet Still Irritated.
I have made huge progress on disengaging from the BS that surrounds my SD12, especially in the past year.
Although there's never been "drama" between her and I, I have my fair share of opinions about her behavior, how she's been raised, her lack of accountability, etc. I've been vocal and still do express my opinions to DH in private from time to time when things build up.
Anyone else struggle with letting things get to you even after committing to disengagement? I had a moment today.
Came home today and my SD12 had sticky orange chicken sauce all over the couch cushion and left the bowl of sauce sitting on the coffee table.
I was pissed and sent a picture of it to DH and was super snappy. Said something along the lines of "Showing you this even though it won't make any difference and nothing will be done about this because nobody in this house seems to care about the disastrous messes I have to clean up behind them and this will never change."
Yeah I know I was speaking out of anger but I swear I can only take so damn much. This is such a constant battle.
I told him over a week ago he was to have a talk with her about no longer allowing food in her room as every time I would go up there I'd find mountains of wrappers and garbage, bowls, plates, cups with mold, rotten food, ants. Just downright FILTH.
She comes home today and he tells her to meet him in her room to talk. I overhear the "talk." It's exactly what I figured it would be. Gentle, 'No Pressure,' indirect, overexplaining points that aren't important to buffer between her 'getting upset.'
All I could think while listening is "yup...nothing is going to change."
It would be so much easier to disengage completely if there wasn't literal GARBAGE and MESS and FILTH surrounding me.
Bad grades? Oh well. Lack of discipline? Her future problem, not mine. Drama at school? Whatever. Not my drama, I don't have to listen to it or talk to teachers.
But literal filth in my HOME that is my sanctuary, with my being an extremely clean person, this is where it gets to me and always my weak point because I don't want to pick up after her and have my stuff destroyed but if I don't clean up mess when it's in my environment I feel literal anxiety and cannot focus on anything else, and waiting for her to come do it on her days here and her half ass job on top of that, is just not an option for me and this is such a CONSTANT battle. EVERY.SINGLE.TIME she is here it's always something, or it's her room.
I feel so defeated by this ongoing issue.
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"Anyone else struggle...?"
You asked if anyone else struggled after disengaging. Yes, I do. My SD is 62, not 12, and I still struggle with her dysfunction cuz it affects DH86 so, indirectly, me. It never ends.
Ugh!
And to think, I keep telling myself "6 more years!"
Yeah right, who am I kidding?
My sweet mother, who is an absolute saint of a woman, told me one day that despite how incredible my father was and how great of a man and husband he was that sometimes she wondered if the horrid CRAP she went through with his ex wife and my mom's two SDs (my half sisters) was worth it.
I love my DH to pieces and he's a wonderful partner to me but I hate that sometimes this statement rings in my head and I relate it to my own life.
My husband's daughter
Every fiber in me wants to disconnect from my SD62 forever and I totally understand what your mom said. I keep reminding myself what an exceptional father figure my DH86 has been to my 2 bios and continues to be. That's what keeps me going with SD62. It has always been hard to believe but he loves her as much as I do mine. Lol.
It bothers just about all SParents at some level.
Though my situation has never been all that bad, it still can be irritating when a mate is wilfully blind to this kind of crap and coddles their failed family progeny rather than parenting effectively.
The check the box to try to get the wife/husband off their back type talks that failed parents have with the baggage they bring to a blended family relationship are nearly as infuriating to their partner as the Skid idiocy is.
You heard the coddle talk, let DH know you heard it and that it did not deliver the needed effectiveness and he does it again and does it effectively or you will. If you have to, neither he nor SD will like it.
Disengaging does not mean that you have to tolerate your mate being a coddling ineffective parent. Hold DH accountable for parenting to YOUR standard. Make him deal with the SD that you are disengaged from.
I like your idea.
I actually was just telling my best friend this on the phone that maybe I need to start being mean and forcing these talks on her even though I don't want to.
One really harsh one where she goes running for the hills crying and DH may take it more seriously and never want me to do that again so he'll handle it.
Whether his motivation is so his precious little angel never feels upset or uncomfortable or whether it is that he wants lasting changes in her and to hold her to a higher standard, I guess I don't care anymore as long as there isn't filth around me.
Make your DH clean up after
Make your DH clean up after her.
Also, this is your home. "You have been TOLD not to do that! Get it cleaned up NOW!"
Normally I do.
In a normal case scenario where it wasn't sticky and wet I would have left it until one of them got home. In the case scenario leaving it would have damaged my furniture so I took pictures the raised hell via text and when he got home about it.
Wouldn't you know, this whole weekend he forced her to clean her room and she did a pretty decent job. Hopefully this is a step in the right direction.
Years ago I let a friend of mine and her two kids come live
with me for about four months when she fell on hard times. She completely trashed the bedroom she was staying in. So much garbage and dog poop and pee. I had to literally shovel the flooring out the window as it was saturated with dog pee. Anyway, there was a roach infestation back there due to her trash and garbage and rotten food. This has been several years now and I am still to this day fighting roaches in my house that she brought. It's constant spraying, diametaceous earth and boric acid and traps. Constant. You do not want that in your home. Trust me!
So gross!
I am so sorry! How awful. I completely understand though. I was a "landlord's child" growing up as my parents owned serval rental properties and at 8 years old I started working for my parents cleaning them in between move outs/ins. I can't believe how some people live.
I had three rentals for a year and sold all three of them last summer as I realized quickly landlord life was not for me and I was sick of cleaning other people's mess.
I had found ants in SD's room and warned DH about that. We live in a farmhouse and mice are always something we battle, albeit my being a complete clean freak.
I know she has contributed to this. My DH said his ex-wife, my SD's mom, was filthy like that and he was the one always cleaning up.
Some people are just gross.
go to the dollar tree, buy
go to the dollar tree, buy plastic table cloths and tell your Mr that if it happens again you will be covering your furnature whenever she is there.
Or, buy a case of low cost disposable coveralls and make her put
one on as soon as she arrives. She wears it, sleeps in it, and it does not come off until she leaves.
You can get them for about $1.50 per suit. IF she wants to be a pig she and daddy can be humiliated her entire visit.
Yes!
Love this idea! Lol!
DH did tell her no more food anywhere except kitchen and dinner table and it looks like she listened this weekend and actually cleaned her room also.
Hoping this is a step in the right direction.
Yes I still got irritated
Yes I still got irritated even after disengaging
Anytime I witness parental f*ckery (in my home sanctuary) I get irritated af
As far as not cleaning after themselves. If your partner has some means make him pay for a cleaning crew after those kids leave otherwise make your partner clean it if he doesn't have the gall to teach his kids some home training. If they can't do this then let the bugs crawl over them on their trashy rooms and make him pay extermination fees. Either way he can either help train his kids properly when they're inside your home or he pays the cost for refusing to do so (PAID maids, exterminators, .... you leaving that space)
Lilly, WTF do you mean "no completely eliminate!) ...
"no completely eliminate!) ...me being subjected to the dysfunctional bioparents shenanigans"?
Please do not tell us you are going to remain in any way in contact with this POS.
Please, please, please get on with living YOUR best life which can only happen with him and his failed first family, in its entirety, in your past.
Period. Dot.
Agreed.
Agreed.
Thanks for that reminder.
Im pretty set about not living with stepkids (nothing against this dudes kids). Just not for me.
Just take care of you.
Get on with your life.
Never forget the experience you have lived and learned that this kind shit storm of parental failure has on your life.
I get how hard moving on can be. Just make sure not to get in your own way and for sure do not let him remain in your life at all. Not as a mate, not as a F-buddy, not as a friend.
Be good to you, give it time, and get on with your new life adventure.
Normally I do this.
For the most part any messes like this I leave for DH/SD for their return but in this scenario unfortunately no one was home and leaving it any longer would have caused more damage or the dog getting into it and I had no interest in buying new furniture. Lol.
I took pictures and I raised hell via text and when DH got home.
I'm kind on a jerk because I do have a biweekly house cleaner and she told me she could tackle my SD's room and I told her nope, that it won't teach her anything and I want her to clean it herself and prove she's capable of not living in filth and I want her to know that no one will come behind her to clean it up the rest of her life.
Do you actually think that 18
Is the magic number or day. Nothing is going to change at 18. Except expensive birthday gift. Nothing Is changing untill some guy takes SD off your hands. Remember be nice to all of SD BF.
I know.
I know- I've thought this before too. I think I'm kidding myself to think this helpless kid, that can't do anything for herself, will ever be able to go off into the real world and make it.
Sad to think she'll need to rely on a man one day because that's her only shot of surviving; if someone is holding her hand dragging her along.
Was she still there at the
Was she still there at the house? I would have simply gone gotten her.. and said.. look.. you made a mess. you clean it up.. she IS 12.. capable of wiping something up.
I wish.
She wasn't or else this is exactly what I would have done. I came home to this after eveyone was already gone and she went back to her mom's and the only reason I cleaned it up is because leaving it would have caused more damage or the dog may have gotten into it and it wasn't worth it.
But you better believe I took pictures and sent them to DH and raised hell via text and when he got home and SD ended up cleaning her room all weekend and two big ol' trash bags came down.
Hoping it's a step in the right direction.
Here's a summary of what I
Here's a summary of what I would do even though I was disengaged.
I knew that DH would not make either SD clean up a mess like this, he'd have an excuse like they were in a hurry to do homework or something. He may clean it up himself, but that was only later in time after I started expecting him to clean up after them, no excuses. I could certainly never correct them myself (the horror of me making them responsible !)...
So, if I did HAVE to clean it, the bowl would either be in the trash or washed up and put away into my storage bin of 'things no one cleaned up so they must not need them'. The couch would be cleaned and a plastic couch cover immediately purchased for SDs visits. None of this would be discussed with DH. I would just do it.
If you run out of dishware, glasses, pots, utensils, and we did!, DH had to replace them. He never caught on to what I was doing.
If you are currently surrounded in filth you can clean, using the trash or bin method. If you can afford to hire a cleaner once a month, then DH must pay a larger portion of that cost - it's not a 50/50 pay split.
I had a clean home (but for OSDs room whulich required other tactics ) and I was disengaged, so it can happen.
When it came to what went on
When it came to what went on in my house, I did not disengage.
Tell her to clean up her messes. Tell her to eat only in the kitchen. Disengagement does not mean that you have no say in what goes on in your home.
Yes, my SSs are the exact
Yes, my SSs are the exact kind of kids I hated when growing up. The kids who are lazy and don't do anything, but still get everything handed to them. Also, watching DH's family fawn all over my "mediocre stepchildren" (as my friend calls them) as if they are gifted, talented, and athletic just makes me want to barf.
I Struggle With Disengaging & Irritation
Because this is MY HOUSE. You will not wreck it or disrespect it & I will not wait for SO to get home & handle it. I do it immediately & have no problem speaking up on many things where I feel they know better. I swear to god these skids are just absolute barn animals. WHY?!?! Even my SO gets so frustrated at his own kid being such a slob! Go be a barn animal at BMs and live like a normal human here please. Her house must be nasty, yuck!