So many of us in bad positions
What is going on that so many of us right now are in these crappy situations. It seems like we have a lot of negatives with our partners and it it getting worse not better. Ugh
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I was wondering the same
I was wondering the same thing recently. For me I think being young and open minded and believing ppl could change or become better and always being a ppl pleaser have put me in this. I am the only one in my family in a step situation as they are not culturally common and thats just not something we do in my family so also being ignorant and thinking that a man with children and exes shouldnt be viewed as a red flag and wanting to give the benefit of the doubt without knowing the world of problems behind this situation
I created my very own problems by making the wrong choice in partner. Thanks to my unfortunate experience, i was able to advise multiple single women in my family including my sister to avoid men with children and now most are happily married - they do have small misunderstandings sometimes but their situations are nothing like mine so I guess I can see a silver lining in that my misfortune served to help others not replicate it
Avoiding getting involved
Avoiding getting involved with people thave have kids from a previous marriage is a huge lesson! **SIGH**
The sad part is that we do get involved and years go by and it's a battle field between the BPs, SKs, SPs, and when we realize... many years have gone by and there is this complicated entaglement, and a half as life lived because of the SKs.... and sort of being startled and asking "What hit me?"... Feeling confused asking all the time "Am I the problem?" "Are house rules stupid?" "Are cleanliness, discipline, honor, mental strength, striving for excellence bad things?" It's a questioning over and over again... and lots of numbness and disengagement... and having to listen to SO talk about the spawns as if they are angels from heaven... and have them come in and out of your sacred living space as they please and disturbing the space and peace with their chaotic energy. And then seeing that the years you as an SP trying to provide solid pilars to those chimps were not worth it becasue now you look 100 years old and unhealthy; and you see them dabbling with pot (and who knows what else), failing miserably at college, being lazy and mediocre, finding stupid jobs that they quit constantly just to make a couple of $100 bucks, and SO being sooooo proud. Ugh!!!! Major Vent!!
I seem to have a higher
I seem to have a higher threshold for nonsense - it probably goes back to some of my creativeness and I've always had a wild hair. I assumed quirks and eccentric behavior through the childhood years - as things progressed and they became more deliberate with their behavior towards DH & I, I started to realize they were attacks. Once I pulled the wool from my eyes I no longer give the "benefit of the doubt" and I have noooo problem with disengaging from piss poor behavior.
Yes it's caused me heartache and sorrow but I am starting to get firmer in investing in my own happiness. They've been very invested in building their unhappiness and taking my kindness for granted.
What is going on that so many
Whats going on with these Disneyland parents trapping unsuspecting individuals into partnerships that include (unbeknownst) a web of step-parenting chaos?
Far more often than not,
Far more often than not, blended families and blended marriages are ... second/subsequent marriages. Which fail at a rate in excess of 60%. So, yes, they tend to suck and many of the partners that we struggle with as Sparents are on their second or subsequent marriages. Some of us are on subsequent marriages though we may not be prior relationship breeders (Me). The more complex the history and baggage gets, the worse it gets. 2 Sparents in a marriage. Yours, mine, ours, Xs adding half sibs and StepSibs, etc.... It is potentially a shit storm of monumental and never ending proportions.
Few prior breeders or refugees from failed first marriages/families come without notable baggage.
IMHO a big part of the difficulty is that rarely does the SParent in these likely doomed to failure marriages set and enforce standards of behavior and standards of performance for their mate or their mate's failed family progeny.
So, sucky situations are prevalent in our world.
Even when a blended family marriage is not one or even both partners subsequent marriage, the existance of non-joint kid(s) induces for all intents and purposes, a second/subsequent relationship environment/condition in that relationship.
That said, when the mates have a true equity partnership and are also equity parents to any children in their home/marriage, regardless of kid biology (yours, mine, ours), it can work. Though those are true Unicorns in the SParenting universe.
So, set and enforce the standards, tolerate nothing less than consistent compliance, and ..... partner. Whether the Skids, Xs, extended families, etc like it or not.
IMHO of course.
I think most women were
I think most women were raised to avoid being seen as selfish or controlling at all costs. Be the "cool chick." No "negativity!" But, to set and enforce standards, one has to be all of those things to an extent. Unless there are people out there who are just naturally good partners who don't require much "controlling" to be tolerable humans. So far, with men, i haven't found any. I know they exist, but they must be rare.
One of my good friends seemingly found her "unicorn" about 5 years back. He, in and of himself, seemed pretty perfect. But she recently disclosed that his daughter and his former stepdaughter (ages 30 and 41) have been giving her hell. Former stepdaughter, who my friend's DH never adopted but sees as "his", invited her BM to my friend's house for Thanksgiving. My friend saw no option but to be "cool" and have BM in her home. This former SD also made a huge stink that, at a dinner out, she and her sister didn't get to sit by "daddy" at the restaurant. Mr. Unicorn did fk-all to stop her and even agreed that my friend should have made everyone else move so they could act like toddlers at the dinner table. All this time i thought my friend had beat the odds. I don't know a single happy stepmom IRL.
Unless there are people out
I need a NASA level telescope, a psychic, a compass, the most advanced GPS, and an air tight network to find this needle in a haystack
This new generation of men ... sheesh!
When I was ranting to my relative who has been married to a very wealthy (and from what I've seen good character too) man for decades, I said "in the future, I'm only dating men with NO baggage" .... she text me back and was like "good luck finding that lol"
IMHO it is not about
IMHO it is not about controlling, it is about standards that we require of those in our lives. What people do other than not violating those standards is entirely up to them. They are in control of it all. Including consequences. They are in control of their behaviors and as such they are entirely in control of whether or not they are subject to consequences.
Our job is to enforce and defend the standards we require. Both for behavior, and performance.
The control... is theirs.
I've been struggling with
I've been struggling with this. It's generally perceived as bad to try to control or change your partner or their kids. "Focus on yourself, disengage." But isn't that just giving up? Putting up and shutting up? I know it's a myth that there is this perfect soulmate out there just for me, so how much compromising do you have to do in order to not be alone? How much controlling do you have to do in order to make not being alone not miserable? I've definitely been in situations where it was obviously preferable to be alone than stay. It's these gray area situations that are so hard.
I personally don't see it as
I personally don't see it as giving up
Similar to what Rags mentioned voice your standards and concerns on the front end and as they arise and it's their choice to rise to the occasion. If they're able and willing to be the best version of themselves (so it will improve the relationship) then they will.
Sometimes you just gotta let them be and do you! Otherwise you risk falling into the "mommy" role. Some stuff has to be ignored (pick your battles wisely) bc that's energy you could be expending, spending time with family, volunteering to charitable causes, developing yourself and focusing on your kids.
Also the advantage of letting these men be (as long as they're providing for the family) is that if their behavior is even mildly annoying to you it's probably going to be very annoying to the next woman .... hence less likely to cheat lol
It certainly can be hard.
It certainly can be hard. Relationships are rarely free of difficulty.
Though hard is why I focus on KISS. If it is simple, it can be far less hard than when it is allowed to be overly complex.
Keeping it stupid simple helps. Be partners, create and advance a life together. Maintain standards of behavior and performance invidually, collectively, and mandate those standards with kids, Xs, and extended family.
Make that the hill to die on, and good things can happen and continue to happen.
When one partner abandons the KISS structure and waffles, it turns into a house of cards.
Sadly.
It's tough when you as an SPs
It's tough when you as an SPs want to set rules and standards and BP call you strict, old-fashioned and not flexible. It all goes to sh#$.
You mentiond also true Unicorns in the SParenting universe; I met one of those - Mom with two girls, Dad with 3 girls. They married. Bio dad was not in the pciture and Bio MOM sadly had passed. The 5 girls did not have another house to run to. So they all had to obey the wife and the husband of that household where they all lived together. You can't tell which children are belong to which bio parents... To me the problem is when the SKs can run to the other BP house when they have their little feelings upset, they play a manipulative game and the Disney Parents are so afraid of losing their child's love that they cave in and become spineless... In my case the SSs would call my house the work house (even though they did minimal work...) and the other house the vacation house... go figure!
The world of the internet
SP now know that it's not there fault. That they are in a crappy life. Years ago there was no boards, no internet to gigure out these things. That your relationship, is the same as many other people . That if your SO doesn't put you first, your at a lost. In a second marriage the SO has to be first. No adult is happy being second.
In a first marriage, many couples put the kids first. That's there choice, unfortunately there marrage ended so maybe that was a bad choice. But going into a second marriage, the SO must come first. What a change in life style for the bio parent.
'They just don't get it. Unless you are a step parent you just don't get it,
I have a good friend who still in her first marrage , who sails all kids should be treated the same. But has SGK. Who she treats differently. She will say she out shopping and bought GK shorts, shirt , ect. But never saids she bought SGK anything
"They just don't get it.
"They just don't get it. Unless you are a stepparent you just don't get it." THIS- YES - EXACTLY. I've given up trying to have non stepparents understand anything. They really don't - I made a mistake sharing something recently and the person sat silent on the phone in quiet disapproval. I apologized and in my head thought: why did I waste my breathe sharing this?
Exactly- people who are not
Exactly- people who are not and have never been step-parents can be pretty judgmental considering they have very strong opinions on something they've never experienced first hand.
If the person you shared with
If the person you shared with is not of adequate quality to discuss instead of sit in judgement... they are not worth a shit as a friend.
Share away. When the silent Judge shows up, write them off and get on with life.
Good riddance to their being purged from your life.
One of my BFFs has rarely agreed with our
parenting. He has always felt we were too strict, and needed to just let him be a kid. We did let him be a kid. What we did not allow was him running amok in publich, being feral, disturbing others, being disrespectful, etc, etc, etc..... Then... he and his wife adopted their daughter our the delivery room. Their daughter is actually his DW's niece. Long story to that. As their daughter grew up she was an absolute terror. I got to where I would not be anywhere near her in public. So for years our friendship was limited to frequent telephone catch ups and periodic feast and talk sessions at late night restaurants. Just the two of us. I never told him not to bring her. He was always mortified by her behavior and embarrassed. Eventually he did confide that he now understood why we raised our son with clear and firm standards of behavior and standards of performance. Their daughter was an animal.
Now.. she is a brooding, sullen, decidedly unpleasant mid teen. Behaviorally she is fine these days. But she is just not particularly pleasant be be around. She is now the huge dark cloud in the room that everyone works their ass off to ignore her energy sucking presence.
We have always been able to discuss our kids, parenting, etc... We do not usually agree on many things, but we respect each other and we respect the perspective that the other has.
My SKid, was always at every event with DW and I and our college freinds, coworkers, weddings, parties, etc... He was always a big hit. No event passed without people compliementing him and us on his behavior, manners, engaging conversations, etc... even as a late toddler aged kid. He was conversational at 2yo. Interestingly, my niece who is 18mos younger was also conversational at 2. So was her younger brother, and the youngest as well. SS, Niece, Nephew1, and Nephew2 were raised together and each of them was slightly ahead of their predecessors.
Our very tight group of friends for some reason did not have the same level of behavioral and developmental success as we (DW and me and my brother and SIL) had with our kids when they were young. Standards were the difference IMHO.
Almost none of our friends included their kids in social events. We were ahead of the kid curve because SS was barely 2yo when we married and most of our friends did not. add kids for quite some time. Their kids were raised far more free range than ours was. Many of those kids, now young adults, are socially inept in the adult world. As children they were yellers, screamers, hitters, bitters, pouters, and often shunned by others. Both adults and kids. Teachers, coaches, baby sitters, etc.... The number of these kids that were kicked out of multiple pre-schools and day cares was incredible to me.
I find that all to be very sad.
I get that every kid is an individual and that one size fits all parenting does not work for all kids. However, I a firmly confident that standards based parenting works universally when it is localized for each kid. Adjust it for each kid while maintaining the common foundation.
One of many things that has long amazed and baffled me is how over the years so many parents insist on infecting society with their shit spawn and demand that their screaming hellion intollerable progeny are to be tollerated in any environment. Nope, Your shit spawn has no business ruining others meal, movie, wedding, etc, etc, etc...
But.... noooooooo. So many think thair shit spawn are spe-cial and everyone else should tolerate them. SParents are not infected with the rose colored corneas that BioParents often are. Which can drive a ton of tension into a blended family. Rather, the presence of the rose colored BioParent corneas drives that tension.
My little brother was the one
My little brother was the one to address the "kids all treated the same" issue with mom and dad. He was 12-13ish when he expressed his opinion that he did not particularly care for he and I getting the same gifts. One year was stereos, etc......
Before that, mom and dad would go to extraordinary lenghts to equalize things. After that, we all were less intent on that balance and focused on what we wanted to get for each other rather than focused on balance. Not that there was any major inequities after that. There really weren't.
I am 6yrs the elder.
As for baggage, it is not the baggage that is the issue IMHO, it is parental, and partner failure that is the issue. Effectively structuring the blended life to prevent the baggage from being a detriment to the new mate, new marriage, new home, and new family.
Some soul mates come with baggage. The litmus test of life time relationship viability is not the presence of baggage. It is the reffective management of that baggage regardless of what that baggage may be. Kids, an X, extended family, etc.......
IMHO of course.
As for baggage, it is not the
Agreed!
Hence why my relatives response was "good luck finding someone with no baggage" which made me realize there aren't too many people in the world who are "baggage-free" and as you mentioned baggage can be anything (ex past trauma, overcoming addictions, lack of boundaries with others particularly kids from previous relationships/ex wives, ailing parents that are now dependents, personality disorders, communication problems, mental health issues, physical health challenges, financial struggles, and more) that is totally accurate n
No doubt your family member is right.
However, mature adult equity life partners can work through it effectively together. Though with the failure rate of 2nd and subsequent marriages the prioritization of the marriage and partners above all else is paramount. Above kids, Xs, extended family, addiction, health issues, etc, etc..
That structure has to be commited to on day one or the odds of failure are exceptional.
IMHO of course.
THose who succeed likely did not arrive that this type of perspective at the very beginning. But they learn it quickly ... or the partnership, like the prior failed family that either or both bring the experience of to the new relationship, fails.
A daunting epiphany.
What the hell was I thinking......? I really wasn't. Beyond that I knew I wanted to make a life with the amazing young woman I found myself with... 30+ years ago. I did not have a plan. I lucked into a relationship with a CP with full physical and legal custody of a barely out of infancy toddler who had left her home town for University 1200+ miles and 2 States away. Though we had very different childhood experiences and grew up in very different family dynamics , we did have common perspectives that marriage was important, of paramount imortatince above all else, and if we were going to marry it was important to both of us to make a good life together as partners. After that, it was trial and error.
We did succeed in raising a good man together in spite of the toxic blended family opposition. We are succeeding to continue to make a good life together as a team.
No guarantees of course. But, it is looking good so far.
I hope you are enjoying living well Lilly.
Take care of you.