Having a conversation with an angry teen is not something for the squeamish. Add the step-parent dynamic to this, and you have a whole new level of anger and blame. Even though my teen step children have lived me for quite a few years now, there is still quite a bit of tension between us. With one in particular, we seem to have hit the worst time of our relationship. I know many of you in blended families are in the same situation, or will find yourself in it soon, and today, I have found a way that helped us both to have a conversation about something that usually ends up with her screaming, and me so mad I can’t talk through my tears. Involve a 3rd party that is known to both of you. This has to be someone you both you both respect, or it won’t make a difference. Let me share with how this dynamic made the biggest impact on a reoccurring sensitive topic in my home.

All the ‘experts’ tell us not to get into a screaming match with an immature teen, but I wonder how many of them have actually been face to face with an angry young adult who thinks they are invincible, and more importantly, right. We all try to speak in rational tones, let them know that their behavior isn’t acceptable, and that we’ll discuss it later when we’re both calmer. But that usually lasts about 5 seconds, doesn’t it?

This afternoon, I knew had to talk with my daughter about something she had done this morning, but I also knew that the moment I brought it up, her arms would cross tight across her chest, and her head would bob like she was acting in a bad rap video as she proceeded to tell me what a loser I was and how she just wanted to go ‘home’. ‘Home’ in our case is what she calls her biological mother’s, 3,0000 miles away. The mother who doesn’t want her, doesn’t talk to her, and doesn’t even send birthday or Christmas cards. But she knows this is her ace, and she’ll play it whenever she can. She does it because she really thinks getting away from me, and her sisters, will end all of her problems. She hurts her father so much with this, that he tells her if that’s what she really wants, she can have the bus ticket to go. I know he doesn’t mean it, he doesn’t want her to go, because even if the mother does take her in, we both know this won’t solve anything. But we have such a hard time getting her to listen to this while she is angry, and talking to her later always results in her just acquiescing because she’s over what was bothering her, and doesn’t want to talk about it.

I knew I had to talk to her while she was in the middle of her crisis, and get her to talk to me, not scream. So I did something I vowed never to do: I involved someone else in our problem. By taking her to a different environment, and not saying one word about the problem until we were there, at the table, with the witness, we were able to say what we wanted to say. It wasn’t all peaches and cream, angry words were still spoken, by both of us, unfortunately. But we both kept our tempers in check, and chose our words more carefully. I chose someone who was close to our family, not a professional therapist, because this person knew my daughter, and my daughter knew she couldn’t tell any of her stories to skew the situation in her favor. So instead of playing the sympathy ploy, which she uses quite skillfully at both church and school, she just threw herself back in her chair and said what she wanted to say. And I said what I needed to say. Our referee didn’t say one word, she didn’t even make eye contact with either one of us. She was a silent bystander, but her presence forced both my daughter and me to discuss our problem a little more rationally. No slamming doors, no pushing, no screaming. I also found that once I was able to talk to my daughter, and get her to say what she felt, that I had more compassion for her and her pain. I know this won’t be the last I hear of this, but it’s the first time she looked me straight in the eye and listened to what I was saying to her. I mean the first time ever.

Having someone my daughter and I both both respected, and who knew each of us quite well, witness our argument, without taking sides in any way, was the best thing I have done yet in trying to communicate to my teen daughter. I hope you find this tactic a worthy new weapon in your fight to *blend.
Renee - *blend