Ever feel like there's subtle PAS against you as a stepparent?
It's not blatant but it's there in the little and big things that shows that BM is trying to make sure I don't have too much/any influence over the skids, not even in a helpful way. And she isn't belligerent, it all come from a place of being a "good parent" but it's wearing on me.
I never do anything alone with the kids anymore. They had fun but if they went to BMs, when they came back they never mentioned it again or it wasn't with any enthusiasm. If it's only me helping them buy something then it gets ignored or discarded...and it is something they wanted or picked out...usually they end up with something similar from BM. And I'm not trying to buy their love or anything, just regular stuff. So I don't do it anymore. I don't want to waste my time or our money or hurt my own feelings because things that involved me get discarded.
Then there's the outright stuff like trying to get an even stricter parenting agreement so me (and my relatives in town) cannot be the ones to take care of the skids if DH isn't around. I get that some of you think this is great. I'm okay with the fact I have a free night or a night with just me and my kid if DH is gone. BUT, it's the blatant power play to keep me away that gets to me. The skids are allowed on sleepovers and to go travel places with other adults.
I have no criminal record, I'm about as middle-america as they come.
Then there's DH and ExH making me out to be the bad guy, too. If there's the possibility to tell my kid (and DH will tell my kid and the skids) that *I* have a problem with whatever it is then they do that instead of just saying that they do.
My own kid is into full-on teenagerdom and all the attitude that comes with it, so adding all the other shit above onto that is wearing on me.
I'm just so f-ing tired of them all making me out to be the bad guy.
I could freak them all out and go totally Disney on them. Buy anything, no rules, wait on them hand and foot, run them all anywhere. Be everyone's BFF.
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Kids can alienated from step
Kids can alienated from step parents. Totally.
Try to not let it get to you. Just be grateful they aren't awful to you.
I know it can hurt. (((( hugs ))))
If you think you should have
If you think you should have your SKids even when DH isn't around, you ARE a problem SM. Sorry. But you are.
They aren't your kids, and you are likely not recognizing that you are probably overstepping bounds with BM. Maybe if you let up, she wouldn't have to be so defensive about you?
Well, let's see what this SMs
Well, let's see what this SMs situation is first with who has custody.
OP, does your husband have primary custody or visitation.
You're probably right
You're probably right
My DH has primary physical
My DH has primary physical custody and shared legal. The Skids are with us 24/7 basically and see BM now and again because she always cancels her visits.
BUT STILL--- if DH were out of town, the SKids would always defer back to BM UNLESS she said she did not want them.
SOunds like BM does want them in this case, but SM is trying to keep them.
And the SM wonders why no one likes her.
I raised my skids for three
I raised my skids for three years while was gone for military. But y'all know my BM situation lol.
For the record,they have
For the record,they have complete joint custody...in everything.
So you know...they have a
So you know...they have a ROFR that says for anything over two hours they have to offer the other parent the time. This means the skids can't sleep in on a Saturday if it's DHs weekend and he goes to help a neighbor for the morning.
The skids were old enough to stay by themselves for a few hours about two years ago yet it took two years for DH to get BM to back off the two hour ROFR.
And what about when BM called DH frantically asking if he was back from his trip and if he could take the skids yet he wasn't and he offered BM to call me....since BMs BF was having a heart-attack-like-event? No, she'd rather take them along or leave them alone overnight (this from the helicopter mom) than call me for help.
I have always been nice to her. I even wrote her a letter about how I am not trying to be the skids mom since she seemed so insecure.
I have backed off from the skids who I think are nice kids because of her insecurities.
I am not saying I should have them instead of BM but she takes it to a level I would never and have never with my ExH.
I am not campaigning. I am not asking DH to figure out how to leave them with me. I am not trying to thwart the CO.
But all the times things area said or the situations above are wearing on me since she is so against me doing anything with or for them...even if it was under the time limit.
I am trying not to cause problems but it seems like my mere existence is a problem. Then pile on the other bad-guy stuff and I'm having a shit-tastic day.
I'm sorry but saying she's a
I'm sorry but saying she's a problem cuz she wants to run her own damn household as a team partner with her own damn husband is ridiculous.
If the skid's father needs to go into the office for a few hours on a Sat or run out for some errands or take his mom to Urgent Care, there's no reason SM shouldn't be able to carry on his household without yanking skids out to the other house.
What op's BM is doing is sending the message that their SM is a dangerous person, not to be trusted, and that BM has Ultimate Control over their entire lives no matter where they are, like an Orwellian Big Brother. They are learning Dad is powerless and simply a vassal of mom. That is HIDEOUS.
If SM doesn't WANT to watch the kids, Dad will have to figure it out, tote them with him, hire a sitter, or drop them off at BM's. But if SM and Dad want to act as a team they have every damn right to.
I know a lot of stepparents on this site have a trouble with their husbands leaving the kids in their care all weekend or an ex who leaves them at his own mom's. But not everyone has that problem. I don't. If BM wanted control over who exactly is in my house at what time of day I would be outraged.
It's not subtle in my case.
It's not subtle in my case. It's flat out, and includes instructions on how they should be yucky to me and DH.
Bm was fine with me caring
Bm was fine with me caring for her children for years, as it "was my responsibility to help dh when she had to work". Now, she prefers to leave them home alone all day then allow them to be in my presence. No skin off my nose, though, as I get free time now and don't get told what to do by her.
Oh yea! BM does PAS the skids
Oh yea!
BM does PAS the skids against DH for sure, we have mutual friends that wouldn't even talk to BM anymore because the PAS was so bad. They hated having to hear her say such things to the kids and they have told us how out of control it was.
I've read the PAS on the kids messages from their mom telling them to lie to me and all that.
I know she does it to my skids. It's sad, but DH teaches them to be respectful and they see the difference between my unconditional love for them and BM's controling and conditional love.
Sorry to hear your skids are treating you like that, disengaging can help reduce the stress!
OP, subtle, blatant, you name
OP, subtle, blatant, you name it. Some BMs are so insecure that they must do this type of thing. It is survival to them. I hope that you can keep your heart open through all this, remember what the "priority relationships" here are (sadly, and my DH hates when I say this to him, our relationships with DH kids are NOT priorities- their relationship with their dad is....which is tough when you're trying to raise kids all together and treat everyone in a similar way), and still come out of it loving your skids.
I remember my innocence at the start of this whole $hitshow- I thought that just showing love would make everything ok in the end. BM was and is someone who has such massive voids somewhere within that she cannot seemingly let up. My innocence is gone and so is my idea that I could ever just live an easy life of kindness and love with my skids. I hate that in this case she has "won"- I usually believe in natural consequences and such but with bio-parents, that bond is unflappable. Hopefully not a love beyond questioning, so that someday before they become parents they can examine what she did and use it as what NOT to do...but truly a love with blinders.
Hang in there!