I feel like I can't take any more heart break. Haven't been on for awhile because things have been going well and I've been busy working a contract position - that ended June 30th. And suddenly it seems like the bottom fell out. And I'm not sure how much more of these feelings I can handle.

It feels stupid that I'm this upset over something as small as a company picnic. But it meant a lot to me, and it feels like just one more thing to point out that I don't deserve to have kids that love me and that I can love back. One more thing to point out that I have screwed up my life by not making different choices. That I don't deserve to think of myself as a mom.

And I am so hurt. And I randomly start sobbing and can't stop. And I just don't know how much more of this I can take. I'm so sad. And I'm so tired of being sad. And I'm so tired of feeling "less than". And I don't know how to stop the tapes in my head that keep telling me that I am less than, that I don't deserve anything, that I am a screw up.

And part of me feels like this, this little thing, could be the end of everything good that has come into my life. That it's time to shove it all outside my wall of protection, slam the door and build my wall even higher and stronger this time. That it's time to stop feeling anything since I seem to collect bad feelings and hurt feelings to me like wrapping myself in a blanket against the cold.

Part of me feels like telling BF that since he made the choice that made me feel this bad, he can just go live somewhere else for the time that the boys are gone. I told him that I'd support whatever decision he made, but that I wasn't going to be OK with it, so would telling him that I need my space be unsupporting? I kept a good face in front of the boys, I told them that I'd be sad and that I'd miss them, but I never let on that I feel like their BM and BF have opened a hole in my chest and ripped out my heart. I've never let on that I think that their BM is the biggest, most selfish, bi***iest, bullying C**T that I've ever met. And that their BF is so broken from the years of being walked on that I don't think he may ever be able to stand on his own, not just against her, but in life.

So, what do I do? Walk away from the man I love because he's too soft hearted and probably never able to give me the strength and support I so long for? Stuff these feelings and let them eat me from the inside out until I'm back to being nothing but a shell. Let these feelings turn me into a ranting, raving B***H? Cut myself to let the pain and hurt flow out, letting my tears and my blood mix and carry the feelings away? Keep on pretending that none of it matters?