Sitting here, chilling after a nice day out with my DH. He plops on the bed next to me, and the phone rings with the "an idiot is attempting to reach you" ringtone. It's almost 9:00 pm. What the f*ck could have happened???????

The " an idiot is attempting to reach you" ringtone is reserved for that someone "special", the BM.
(I can hear everything)
BM- "Hi. Can you ask {ME} if she can watch {our love child} this coming weekend. I need her to pick him up at 6:00 am, because I needed the money and and took a job at the mall as a manager."