Hey there darlin…
I’m so sorry that you’re feeling so hurt right now. I’m sorry that it looks like you can’t have a child with your DH and it’s hurting you inside. I’m really sorry that you’re feeling excluded sometimes and that it hurts you so bad. But wanna know something that I found to be true and I think if you really stop and think about it you’ll find it to be true too… your DH LOVES YOU BEST! That’s why he’s with you… you ARE thought about more than you’ll ever know… and let me tell you something, that BM that you don’t think spares you a thought spends a WHOLE LOT of time thinking about you… her ex-husband and child have you in their lives now… and maybe she knows that her silent treatments and exclusions get under your skin and she uses it to her advantage.(?) Just a thought…

Talk to your DH about your feelings… maybe he doesn’t include you in 100% of their talks because he thinks its sparing your feelings… be very honest with him and let him know what you need from him to feel comfortable.

Good luck lady… you are in no way stupid… just dealing with some hurt feelings.
*cheers*

And you know what… even though that child is “half of BM”… your husband chose to build a life with YOU and not her… guide that child and give her as many of your good traits as you can… your DH will see and appreciate your qualities in her as much as he sees some genetic side from his EX, dig?

Rule number one: do not get involved in DH & BM's conversations. It will drive you nuts. Rule number two: If the parents do not feel it necessary to tell you about appointments made for their child, who cares. And here is why: when they make the appointments or commitments for their child and neither of them can attend, and your services are called upon you simply reply with I am sorry, you have to reschedule the appointment. I have my plans made for the day. I have had them beg me. I stand firm and say (very nicely and empathetically) Gee, if I would have known, I would have kept my schedule open.

It works!

I just taught SS6 how to whistle and it tickles my DH pink… it replace this irritating *clucking* sound he used to make that he got off of his BM… it aggravated DH to no end because it reminded him of HER. Even though this boy’s not “genetically” part of me, he certainly has picked up on a four generation whistling trait of my family’s pretty well…

I know what you mean. I also can't have biological children and I think it has made me super sensitive to everything else regarding my husband's children and his ex. When I felt like I was out of the loop I felt like I didn’t matter. Am I just some outsider who babysits, cleans and feeds them? I may not get to be privy to being an active part of the conversation but shouldn't I know what is going on since it is what I consider part of my life? (On a positive note-things have gotten better over the past year for me…)

You aren't stupid. The "lack of appreciation" was common in our house as well, and I am not afraid to admit that sometimes I brought that on myself. I am out there looking for a thank you or something when really it was not always required. Biological parents don't go around saying "oh thank you honey for feeding our children." I think it comes down to we don't have kids and we want them to notice "hello I have completely changed my life for you and your children! I am trying my best over here can you at least acknowledge something?" We have to keep in mind that isn't new to them and they have been changing diapers and cooking supper for their kids for a long time.

My husband and I used to fight about why he used to talk for what seemed like hours to his ex (in reality it was minutes) and when I asked what was going on he would respond with "not much, nothing, oh just talking about the kids, etc..." He didn't understand why I would get livid. I didn't really fully understand why I did either for awhile. Part of it was insecurity about his ex (which I work on every day and am getting better with) and part of it was feeling left out (What just because I can't have kids means I'm not good enough to be treated like I matter?). Again I felt like I was just here, but not part of the family. I was to act like a parent to the kids, but not be treated like one by the adults.

I've been known to throw out the "What I don't need to know because I'm not a real parent?" "I guess I'll just go babysit, that is all I am good for." "Oh just go call her, its not like my opinion matters anyway." Yes, that is humiliating to know I could act like a complete child and start arguments just because my feelings were hurt, but it is reality.

He and I have talked many times. We have had many arguments and to be honest it comes down to trust for us. I have trust that he loves me and knows I am good with the kids. He has told me before to "not worry about what she (ex) says because half the time its a bunch of bull and the other half she is just trying to either control what they are doing or fill him in on a bunch of stuff that doesn't have any relevance to our lives." Part of him was trying to protect me from having to hear how crazy she can be or especially when she would say something negative about me. These days our communication with her filters primarily through me (Yay! –that was sarcastic). He got the point where he was tired of her starting fights on the phone with him and hearing his kids getting upset in the background. He just told her don’t contact him unless it is important regarding the children. (She has phases where she listens and when she doesn’t.) She decided to talk to me because he won’t listen. I have set boundaries where she knows I will only discuss the kids, period.

Anyway back to the point, It is a hard pill to swallow (at least for me) to just say "ok, I trust you and I trust that you know I love the kids and I am doing the best I can."

Ok that’s enough, I am wrapping up this novel with this: hang in there. You aren’t alone, you aren’t stupid, and you aren’t selfish. You know what you are? HUMAN. Everyone wants to be appreciated and loved. Sometimes we get that and we don’t even realize it because its not in the vehicle we expect. Maybe he shows his appreciation and love by letting you spend time with the kids one-on-one or gives you a smile when one says something nice to you or gives you a hug. It could be a great deal of unspoken appreciation. As far as the fights it is probably frustration on his part because he doesn’t understand your need to hear it out loud or why you feel like its important to know what his ex says. That’s my two cents and take it for what its worth-I am just telling you what I think from the experiences I have had.

I don't have any bios and I don't want any. The fact that you would have kids if you could is pretty significant. You are intermingling the two issues though. If you could have kids, do you think you wouldn't care to know all the conversations and interactions between your husband and his ex? I think you'd still want to know.

I disagree that they *should* be 100% transparency. You are saying you want to be included. In what exactly? You want to help them parent their children? You want to make parental decisions for their children?
What's going to happen when you want to have a say with their decision or you disagree with a plan?

I recommend the hands-off approach...then you can let things progress naturally and comfortably.

I think there's two separate issues going on here. First, your involvement with DH and BM. Definitely talk to him and tell exactly how you feel and how you have hurt feelings and feel left out. I bet he has no idea that you feel so strongly about this. Maybe after expressing yourself to him, you guys can work out a system that works for both of you. I think it's the feeling of being excluded that is the biggest problem here, rather than you actually wanting to have more contact with the BM. That's totally normal and they are discussing things that affect you and your family, so naturally you are interested and concerned.

The second issue is your own grief about not being able to have your own bio-kids with DH. I also, can't have bio kids and it's taken me a long time to totally come to terms with it. Just because you can't have bio-kids doesn't mean you can't adopt!!! There are millions of babies out there who need a mom and someone to love them and you can plan and save and be just as much a mom as anyone who pushes a baby out of her body (but without all the gory birth stuff, vericose veins, hemorrhoids and stretch marks!). My H and I have been planning and saving and we will be able to start the adoption process in two years, which is perfect because we have a couple more years with plenty of alone "couple time" before we are parents 24/7. Every time I look at my skids, I see BM and it's pretty revolting, but I just focus on them not being her, just having her genetics and think about the little baby I will get to raise with my husband and how wonderful it will be to be a mom. Don't get disheartened! It's easy to feel alone when you can't have kids for whatever reason (I had ovarian cancer and endometriosis and had to have a complete hysterectomy.) It's something that people think only older women get, but there are A LOT of young women in their twenties and thirties who can't have bio-kids, way more than people think, so you are not alone. There are so, so many advantages to not being able to have bio-kids and there is no reason on Earth why you can't be a mother as well. Hang in there!