O/T - IL clan (SIL) drama.
My bride is on the phone with her sister. My SIL is the youngest of 4 kids.
SIL is in tears and just came out to my bride that she is lesbian and leaving her DH for a GF. Their eldest finishes HS in a couple of months and they are waiting to tell the kids about the divorce after his graduation. I called this more than a decade ago. DW agreed but SIL was hell bent on not being gay. She is trying to deflect with the stance that she has always known she was bisexual.
Which I have to say just irritates me even more that SIL put her STBX and their kids through this crap. Apparently it has been going on 6+ years at an active level though they decided to stay together for the kids.
Apparently she is leaving and swears it is not that she is leaving for her GF but that it has been an ongoing issue.
The house is in DW's BIL's name, he is keeping the house. He also is keeping his employee owned buy out investments, their camper, and his car. So now the big thing is that my MIL and her sister will not let SIL live with either of them. Of course SIL is pissed about that and has "made them both offers" for what she will pay in rent to stay with either of them of for MIL and her sister to move in together and SIL to rent the aunts house. Nope. I have to say, I agree with MIL, the aunt, and the STBXH.
Their youngest kid, a 13yo DD has outright asked SIL if she is gay. Our nephew has been very open that he can't stand gay people. Likely because he has knows that his mom is one for quite some time.
Their eldest goes away to school in July and their youngest will likely stay with dad since SIL is pretty much going to be destitute and homeless.
So, lots of drama in the IL clan beyond the usual simmering level that almost always in play.
ETA: I process verbally. DW and I have been discussing SIL and the whole situation since the hour long call from SIL ended. I just got the Shhhhhhhhhhh with the downward motioning hand wave. DW needs to dive into this internally. So, I will STFU. For a while at least.
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Your DW doesn't need this
With what you guys are going thru with your son, you, especially DW, don't need this drama. Family - when it rains, it pours
No doubt JRI.
As a mother who has experienced the coming out of a child my bride is worried about my MIL. MIL internalizes much like my bride does though with exceptionally limited ability to effectively process it and ultimately deal with it. MIL tends to get extremely angry over trivial things and goes totally blank when confronted with actual issues. The example of this was how pissed she got when DW called her mom excited about us buying our first home together when DW was 20. Instead of excitement for her daughter, MIL was pissed beyond measure that DW was able to buy her first home long before, age wise, MIL was able to buy one. She has had similar reactions to every home we have purchased and any cars we have purchased.
Interestingly, DW is not particularly torn up over her sister's coming out. She comforted SIL but after the call DW was not upset much at all. She is pissed about SIL's long term serial cheating on her DH and destroying the lives of her kids. Whether cheating with a man or woman, cheating is adultery none the less. Adultery is a major trigger for my DW due to the Spermidiot's serial statutory rape based cheating while they were dating and DW was growing SS. It is also a massive trigger for me. Though I pretty much wrote SIL off long ago, her status as a long term serial adulteress has moved her to the completely don't give a shit column in my balance sheet. I will have to be careful in how I am when I am around her going forward.
I couldn't give a shit that she is a lesbian. I have long suspected it. DW and I first noticed and discussed it more than 10 years ago. That she is a cheater is my issue. IMHO there is zero recovery from that.
SIL will no doubt end up destitute and likely homeless. At best she will couch surf for a very long time pissing off a long list of people who will give her a shot at rodeo riding their sofa into submission.
While comforting my bride this evening I commented that I wish we had the resources to mitigate everyone's difficulties. She gave me a focused look and said "It would not matter, they would all just move on to even more drama". While she loves her family, she does not respect them or have much use for any of them. They all can't get out of their own way. Even when financial manna from heaven falls in their laps, they figure out how to screw things up. DW's STBXBIL will likely be okay as SIL will likely not go after anything. The house is in his name due to her shit credit history, his corporate buy out money is in accounts only in his name. Due to her crappy credit score and massive completely unserviced school loan debt she is screwed. I doubt she will go after a cent even though she could. She also will not likely go for custody of their minor DD due to her near complete inability to support herself.
My concern is our nephew and niece. He will be pissed beyond measure. Our niece is fragile enough that having her mom living out and proud in their small town will mortify her. I doubt either of them will have much to do with SIL after she leaves their dad to live her LGBTQ life. Sad, and not fair. But, it is pretty clear she is not thinking with her head.
SIL is chasing her tingly bits and will destroy her life because of it. She is the poster example of fee fees not being useful decisioning tools.
It’s just sad
That SIL lived a lie of a life. Her sexual preference is. One thing But getting BIL life turned into a mess Having her kids need help over this. I just hope as a family they come out of this.
The best advice I could give
The best advice I could give at this point is that SIL seek competent legal assistance.
I am not going to overly beat the horse of her romantic life.. and the fallout. Certainly there is and will be fall out.. but I also can say that you and your wife have at least some idea of the struggle of people wanting to live their "authentic" self when society and family constructs are often going to make that difficult. There also is probably plenty of blame to go around in her relationship with her DH.. on both sides.. he may also have some part in the breakdown of their relationship.. perhaps she is.. on some spectrum of "bi".. ? Having kids is also complicated.. and yes.. it's possible that her son resents the stress her decision and life are having on him.. therapy should probably be a given for all involved.
But.. back to the legal issues. I know she wants "out" (or stbx wants her gone).. but if she has any legal claim to those assets... she should not lightly just walk away... she was there with him while those things were "built".. and while I know women often leave because they just want to be "done".. clearly her financial situation is shaky and she probably should make sure that she is not entitled to more of a share of marital assets.. even potentially some equity in the home she lived in.
I don't think her press on family to house her is the right way forward... she needs to figure out how to stand on her own financial footing.
But.. seek legal assistance.. perhaps if she is entitled to something she might be able to get some cash.. or maybe an asset.. like the camper.. that could actually provide her some temporary housing till she gets her act together a bit more.
I know it's tough with everything going on with your son.. your wife must be stressed.. but.. advice to seek legal opinion is probably important.. before she gives up things she should be entitled to.
Her legal claim to assets is
Her legal claim to assets is the first thing i thought of. Yes, the divorce may be her "fault", but if she is destitute she will be a burden on others. If not for herself, she should do it for her family. Mrs. Rags doesn't need this right now. No matter how big a pain in the a$$ she is, she should get what's legally hers. For herself and her family.
Yes.. and.. just because her
Yes.. and.. just because her decision to leave due to her dating preferences.. (or pre existing relationship).. imho.. that really just should limit claims to things like spousal support... just because she may have committed adultery.. doesn't necessarily follow that she forfeits all her claims to assets she contributed to during the marriage.
Shoot, it doesn't even necessarily mean she shouldnt have some custody of her chilldren.. not being a faithful partner doesn't mean you may not be a decent parent.
She needs to be careful to not act in haste.. and repent in her leisure.. making others step up when she could have stood her ground for a share of the marital estate.
SpermLand is not a community property State. It is an Equitable
SpermLand is not a community property State. It is an Equitable Distribution state and she likely could get the Lion's share of everything due to her lower income, etc...
My hope is that she just signs and walks away rather than dragging her kids through a contentions divorce that leaves everyone destitute. Her STBXDH will likely "burn it all to the ground" rather than surrendering a Cent. If I were in his shoes, I can't say I wouldn't go scorched earth. The issue for me has nothing to do with her orientation or her being bi. It is about her cheating. That is the write her off entirely point for me.
The travel trailer was purchased to be used by our nephew as college housing. I am not sure that SIL will take it or if STBXBIL would surrender it. It is personal property in his name due to SILs crap credit history.
If they have to sell the house none of them will every be able to buy another. Prices are insane in SpermLand and STBXBIL purchased the house about 15yrs ago. He migh consider buying her out in a negotiation by giving her half of the investment funds. I think I will give him a call to discuss the situation and to understand his thoughts and build a strategy. Of course that will cause a shit storm with SIL and will make me the evil Outlaw. Though that is nothing new for me.
I foresee a very unpleasant life for my SIL going forward. Her family, my IL clan, will in all likelihood be of zero support or comfort. Her STBXH will likely be embraced and their kids insulated as much as possible from SIL and her choices. DW pointed out last night that SIL will be the first in the family to divorce going back generations.
We, as has always been the case, are protected by geography against most if not all of what is likely to unfold. Though my bride will undoubtedly bear a major emotional burden as SIL implodes and engages more regularly with emotional melt down interfaces with my wife. I will try to bite my tongue and not parade out the facts too often. SIL has done all of this to herself.
Apparently she and her DH tried an open marriage in an effort to shore things up. That did not work for her DH. He just was not into violating his commitment. As he stepped back from the the open marriage and SIL kept diving in deeper into her chosen life style it appears that it was all too much for their fractured relationship.
While I completely understand that being gay is not a choice, neither is it a justification for infidelity. It is not a get out of jail free card for moral depravity, cheating, multiple out of wedlock partners, etc....
I am currently cogitating on whether or not to share with DW that if SIL contests the divorce that she will likely get more than 50% of the assets accrued during their marriage. Ultimately I will share this with DW. I just have to work through my anger toward my POS crook of a cheating SIL. My loyalty is to our nephew and our niece, and to DW's STBXBIL. Had SIL not perpetrated nearly an entire lifetime to ripping off family, I doubt my perspective would be different. I lived a blessedly short marriage to a serially cheating XSpouse. I have no tolerance for these people and how they destroy others and families. I could not give a shit that they destroy themselves. They nearly always do.
I surrender my soap box.
Rags.. I agree that cheating
Rags.. I agree that cheating is wrong.. however, your SIL's situation is a bit complicated by her "later in the day" orientationi revelation. I mean, she may just be a crap person generally.. but I'm guessing figuring out who she was and taking such a big and potentially familially related mess.. that she may have wanted to really know for herself that she was "sure.. sure.. totally sure" of what she felt and was.
I also empathize with her spouse and her kids.. it must feel like a sucker punch to find your life upended.. when you theoretically feel you have done nothing wrong. I do get him wanting to fight her.. but I also would hope at some point he might be able to get to some point of empathy for a person that he did love for many years... and that if you truly love someone.. would you want to have that person live a lie and under a bucket hiding from their real self? She isn't not choosing HIM.. she may well love him.. but in a less romantic way? Is it worse to be left because she isn't "into men".. or "into HIM?" I kind of think the latter would be more of a betrayal.. and her time in the relationship may have been her trying to do her best to NOT hurt him and her kids.. but in the end.. she couldn't do it forever?
So... lesser earner may be entitlet to more in your state.. she doesn't have to take MORE.. but I think that it's fair if she is able to leave with enough be able to kind of stand on her feet. I get that cheating was wrong.. but does the crime really fit the punishment for her to get zero assets from a long term marriage.. where I am assuming that she did work and contribute physically and financially to her best ability? So.. does she take half the house.. well.. maybe not... maybe she gets enough to start her off in some modest way.. so she isn't being forced to twist family arms for a place to stay? Maybe the camper could be repurposed.. I am sure there are other housing options for the nephew at a college town.
I would also, to an extent.. if you do talk to BIL.. explain that maybe she COULD go to the mat and they burn it all to the ground fighting over it all.. and that will hurt everyone.. if he can see past his hurt and try to see the untennable situation she was in.. maybe he can see it in his heart to offer her a settlement that won't be so gutting.. something he can live with.. and allow her to move on.? Again.. a cheater in my mind shouldn't be getting spousal support normally.. but I don't think that weakness should mean they walk away with zero... and I have been cheated on.. by my EX.. we still split assets.. and I actually ended up giving him more than I probably should have (we agreed mutually on a split).. but it was cheaper than any fight in court we would have had.