Taking the edge off my resentment.
Disengaging has worked to a certain degree for me. I am able to deal better with the rejection from SD. She doesn't like it, DH doen't like it but I am better, less stressed, less resentful. So the truth is it puts the ball back in their court to make any changes if they are unhappy with the siutation. It has made DH see SD a little more realistically, he is starting to notice her actions. He is starting to notice the difference in the interaction of he and I and my kids in huge contrast to how SD is in our home.
So recently I've been trying to leave DH to his own parenting devices. I don't offer my opinion. I've been trying to give him more opportunities for one on one time with SD, hoping that would ease some of her attitude toward me and our family as a whole. Our schedules have been crazy and is has worked out that DH goes to SD events and I go to my kids events or he stays home with SD while I go to one or the other event. I even made a specific effort to plan a dinner out, shopping trip for just DH, I and SD for her birthday when my kids were with their dad.
Has any of this helped??????
NO ! In all honestly it seems to have made things worse. It's almost as if the one on one time breeds a need for more of it, breeds more possisiveness of "daddy", breeds clingyness, sullenness, aloofness.
But what does work???? I couldn't begin to tell you. What helps keep my relationship strong with DH?? COMMUNICATION ! After a few beers DH and I had a very honest conversation prompted by him where he was able to talk about some of SD's behavior without becoming defensive. He is seeing things. He understands more than I usually give him credit for. And him just sharing with me that he sees this stuff helps me deal. Because it's not her actions that cause me resentment, it's his lack of reaction or action regarding them.
When he pretends everything is ok, that SD isn't acting any different than any other kid, that she is perfect, that's when I go CRAZY !! I start to think less of him, lose respect, build resentment. So much of that can be warded off with a little calm conversation. I don't expect him to have all the answers, to be able to change the crazy that is BM, to be able to make SD immediately a new person. All I expect if for him to recognize that some of what goes on is not normal. I don't expect him to necessarily even know how to deal with every odd behavior (and there are lots) but if he would just open up and trust that I don't hate his child and really do want the best for her we could as a team talk thru it and find a way to address things.
People always say that communication is the strength of a marriage and I believe it is true.
I've been reading a lot of stressed out SMs here lately and I just wanted to offer a little bit of what does help, at least what is helping me. Just being her and reading what others think and feel is a help.
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Comments
That is really great! I'm
That is really great! I'm glad that you two talk about it. I find that disengaging too much makes SO reciprocate to the point where he isn't affectionate to me or doesn't care to spend time with me. I have to watch HOW I disengage.
What exactly does disengaging
What exactly does disengaging entail? And how do you do it so that DH doesn't reciprocate...I know mine would lose it if I made changes that were too noticable
I'm embarrassed to admit that
I'm embarrassed to admit that I let it happen, but...
If I go off and do my own thing, or I do go with them when they are all out, I notice his attention for me really dwindles when i return. Its almost like he feels rejected, so he will reject back. I also notice that they spend a lot of time joking about whatever it was that they went to do and I didn't go, which then makes me feel like I was left out. Even when I know I made the choice not to.
These are cases when i want to disengage from SO as well as skids.
Almost like when I go away he needs time to warm up to me again. Its weird ,and I shouldn't let it control what I do. I'm just not quite there yet to deal with it.
So I disengage by not cleaning house before their visit, or cleaning up after them. If skids are asking questions about something that I can resolve, I just don't answer. I don't do anything extra anymore. Sometimes I just mainly follow along. Probably also why I get so frustrated. The reason why I do that with the skids is because all the effort I used to put in, I got nothing in return. Why upset myself?
I know what you mean. I can
I know what you mean. I can see that DH would reciprocate also if he felt defensive about my disengaging. He and I have had many conversations where we we both acknowledge that there is a problem with the relationship between me and SD. Each and every time I have asked him for honest feedback on what I do that might be making her dislike me so much. I plead with him to give me some ideas on how to fix things. HE NEVER HAS ANY SUGGESTIONS. After so much of this I told him that I just could not handle the way her rejection makes me feel and that for my own well being I needed to stop trying.
For me that means, I don't make much effort to make sure she has what she needs/wants, I don't try to do things she likes, make food she likes. I don't engage in conversaion with her unless she initiates it (which will never happen).
I most importantly means that I don't speak to DH about things I perceive as being problems with SD's behavior, parenting, schooling, dressing. If he brings things up and asks for my opinion I might offer it but I have shut down my 'caring' where SD is concerned. I want better for her but it's not within my control and she is not my child.
I used to try to talk to him about these things. Try to get him to see what he and BM are doing to SD by not parenting her. But it only caused conflict between him and I and he is not ready or willing to be a better parent so it's not my responsibility either.
I still do things with them as a family. I have mostly just stepped back my emotional involvement.
I think for me emotional disengagement is more helpful than physical disengagement.
This was a great explanation.
This was a great explanation. I have done the same. The only thing I will do is when we are all out and they act inappropriate, i will correct them. Not embarrassing me. I wouldn't want people to think I'm their mom letting them act like that.
" I want better for her but
" I want better for her but it's not within my control and she is not my child." Could not have said it better myself.
Blender, when I read your
Blender, when I read your posts I see a lot of similarities in my DH and yours, and the way they respond to their kids. I have definatley noticed that when I keep out of his parenting, he pays more attention to things.
We have good days and bad but my giving up the need to want to fix things makes it all more bearable for me.
And maybe what I've done is not entirely disengaging? I don't know?
This is my problems also. I
This is my problems also. I don't get involved, I have resolved not to say anything then something happens and I want to soooo badly. I have the teeth marks in my tongue to prove it !
What I've been doing is just getting up, giving DH a pointed look so that he knows I don't like whatever was going on and take myself out of the situation. Later if I feel he is ready to discuss it and i've calmed down too, I might ask him is he thinks that's a good way for a kid to act, or a parent to respond? I try to make any other conversation not necessarily about the specific situation but in general.
Just last night at dinner, DD was trying to engage SD in conversation and SD was just snapping back moody, snippy comments. I got up, took my plate to the sink and gave DH a look. To his credit he did comment to SD about her attitude. In the past he would have let it go, almost afraid to reprimand her on anything.
I suppose it's progress, it's slow, but it's something.
I agree that when DH
I agree that when DH "pretends" all is well it will make you crazy. I think he really thinks that if he just ignores everything, it will all get better. Ok...SD is 24, SS is 26. It's NOT going to get any better! These men (and some women!) need to take off their rose colored glasses and really LOOK at what they've done to these kids!
OH, you are where I will be
OH, you are where I will be in 10 years. You aren't giving me much hope. lol. DH really does think it will all work itself out. He has actually said those words out loud.
Amen sister!
I agree, just knowing that DH sees things for what they really are would be such a blessing. Then I would t feel so alone in this stupid situation.